partner has just been diagnosed - i need support

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, my partner has just been diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder (aka BPD) following a psych assessment he underwent with great reluctance.

Although I'd heard of BPD, it wasn't until I read up about it that I fully understood what it meant and recognised many of the classic traits in my partner - most notably a history of self-harm, extreme mood swings, constant fear of abandonment and an unstable sense of self and others.

We first got together two-and-a-half years ago, and the first few months were both exhilarating and intense. We met through activism and made a deep connection of the kind I hadn't really experienced before. He loved and supported me like no-one else had done during a difficult time in my life when I was in the throes of leaving an abusive relationship and was relying on friends for somewhere to live.

Despite the fact it was a long-distance relationship, we became very close and were passionate lovers, staying with each other whenever we could. Throughout that summer we had some wonderful adventures and did many things that others would regard as a bit crazy, but felt right at the time. He opened up to me about his traumatic childhood and past difficult relationships, and he clearly craved a soul-mate who understood him and wouldn't ditch him at the first sign of trouble. He had a remarkable intelligence and honesty, and his first principle (in every area of life) was to tell the truth, however much it offended. I admired this, but saw it came with difficulties in his social interactions...

Unfortunately, since that 'honeymoon period' and pretty much as soon as I moved in with him (just over two years ago), things started to go wrong. Sometimes I'd get up in the morning to find him in an extreme state of distress, talking about suicide or actually self-harming. Other times we'd be out with friends or fellow activists and he'd suddenly get in an uncontrollable rage at something, such as a perceived slight from a stranger or someone not listening to him. There would be shouting and making accusations, then he'd turn the anger on himself - usually punching his face or banging his head against walls until he was bruised and bloody.

Often, after the rage had passed, he would repeat phrases like 'I hate myself' or 'I've never been a proper person', and if anyone tried to contradict or reassure him, he'd say things like 'why does everyone leave me then?' or 'my mother knew I was a bad person - that's why she punished me'. Sometimes, the anger or despair would pass very quickly, especially if he found validation from someone, and his moods could change in a way I found quite disorientating. For example, he could go from talking about suicide, and how he would do it, to discussing plans for the future or helping someone fix their washing machine in the space of an hour or less.

As someone who has suffered from periods of depression, I found myself sinking into my own pit of despair, triggered in part by emotional exhaustion and being cut-off from my previous support networks. I was also poorly adapted for living in the countryside (my partner lives miles from the nearest town, I don't drive or ride a bike and public transport is limited), and I struggled with the lifestyle (he wouldn't tolerate TV or radio and I didn't have my own 'space', which I craved).

Anyway, I started shutting down emotionally, and the more he demanded I open up and communicate my feelings to him, the more I turned in on myself. There were also some quite disturbing incidents around this time, particularly involving a life-long friend of his who had a dysfunctional relationship with his daughter, who sometimes turned to my partner for support. One day, after trashing our front room in a rage, he got in his car, semi-drunk (he's not usually a drinker), and drove off to confront his friend despite me standing in his way, and such was his state and the threats he was making, I called the police to his friend's house to intervene.

To cut a long story short, I then made him an appointment to see his GP (he often complained about not being able to access counselling) and he was referred to the first of several psych assessments. On each occasion, he narrowly avoided being committed and later raged at me for betraying him and being part of the same system he railed against. In a few short months, I went from being his trusted confidant and dream lover to having my character assassinated on a regular basis.

When I left him after about six months (which was a story in itself), he wouldn't leave me alone to re-build my life but poured out his despair in pleading phone calls and texts. It was incredibly distressing - I sometimes blocked him for a week or more, but couldn't stop worrying about his mental state and what I should do.

Meeting up with him again confirmed I still loved him and eventually we got back together. However, I made it clear I couldn't move back in with him on a permanent basis where he lives now because it sucked the life out of me. What we have instead is a bit of a half-way house - we spend weeks or months together, but it's never enough, and I'm never good enough, however hard I try. I would accept him moving in with me here, but he won't do things 'on my terms' and fears he could lose everything if I betray him again. He also tells me I want everything my own way and always have done, despite the many accommodations and sacrifices I've made for him.

I still love him and really want this relationship to work, but it is emotionally exhausting and right now I need someone I can discuss his diagnosis with (he has sworn me to secrecy). I need to know if I CAN make it work, and if not, find a way to come to terms with it - for both our sakes.

[AndreaX]

Hi, my partner has just been diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder (aka BPD) following a psych assessment he underwent with great reluctance.

Although I'd heard of BPD, it wasn't until I read up about it that I fully understood what it meant and recognised many of the classic traits in my partner - most notably a history of self-harm, extreme mood swings, constant fear of abandonment and an unstable sense of self and others.

We first got together two-and-a-half years ago, and the first few months were both exhilarating and intense. We met through activism and made a deep connection of the kind I hadn't really experienced before. He loved and supported me like no-one else had done during a difficult time in my life when I was in the throes of leaving an abusive relationship and was relying on friends for somewhere to live.

Despite the fact it was a long-distance relationship, we became very close and were passionate lovers, staying with each other whenever we could. Throughout that summer we had some wonderful adventures and did many things that others would regard as a bit crazy, but felt right at the time. He opened up to me about his traumatic childhood and past difficult relationships, and he clearly craved a soul-mate who understood him and wouldn't ditch him at the first sign of trouble. He had a remarkable intelligence and honesty, and his first principle (in every area of life) was to tell the truth, however much it offended. I admired this, but saw it came with difficulties in his social interactions...

Unfortunately, since that 'honeymoon period' and pretty much as soon as I moved in with him (just over two years ago), things started to go wrong. Sometimes I'd get up in the morning to find him in an extreme state of distress, talking about suicide or actually self-harming. Other times we'd be out with friends or fellow activists and he'd suddenly get in an uncontrollable rage at something, such as a perceived slight from a stranger or someone not listening to him. There would be shouting and making accusations, then he'd turn the anger on himself - usually punching his face or banging his head against walls until he was bruised and bloody.

Often, after the rage had passed, he would repeat phrases like 'I hate myself' or 'I've never been a proper person', and if anyone tried to contradict or reassure him, he'd say things like 'why does everyone leave me then?' or 'my mother knew I was a bad person - that's why she punished me'. Sometimes, the anger or despair would pass very quickly, especially if he found validation from someone, and his moods could change in a way I found quite disorientating. For example, he could go from talking about suicide, and how he would do it, to discussing plans for the future or helping someone fix their washing machine in the space of an hour or less.

As someone who has suffered from periods of depression, I found myself sinking into my own pit of despair, triggered in part by emotional exhaustion and being cut-off from my previous support networks. I was also poorly adapted for living in the countryside (my partner lives miles from the nearest town, I don't drive or ride a bike and public transport is limited), and I struggled with the lifestyle (he wouldn't tolerate TV or radio and I didn't have my own 'space', which I craved).

Anyway, I started shutting down emotionally, and the more he demanded I open up and communicate my feelings to him, the more I turned in on myself. There were also some quite disturbing incidents around this time, particularly involving a life-long friend of his who had a dysfunctional relationship with his daughter, who sometimes turned to my partner for support. One day, after trashing our front room in a rage, he got in his car, semi-drunk (he's not usually a drinker), and drove off to confront his friend despite me standing in his way, and such was his state and the threats he was making, I called the police to his friend's house to intervene.

To cut a long story short, I then made him an appointment to see his GP (he often complained about not being able to access counselling) and he was referred to the first of several psych assessments. On each occasion, he narrowly avoided being committed and later raged at me for betraying him and being part of the same system he railed against. In a few short months, I went from being his trusted confidant and dream lover to having my character assassinated on a regular basis.

When I left him after about six months (which was a story in itself), he wouldn't leave me alone to re-build my life but poured out his despair in pleading phone calls and texts. It was incredibly distressing - I sometimes blocked him for a week or more, but couldn't stop worrying about his mental state and what I should do.

Meeting up with him again confirmed I still loved him and eventually we got back together. However, I made it clear I couldn't move back in with him on a permanent basis where he lives now because it sucked the life out of me. What we have instead is a bit of a half-way house - we spend weeks or months together, but it's never enough, and I'm never good enough, however hard I try. I would accept him moving in with me here, but he won't do things 'on my terms' and fears he could lose everything if I betray him again. He also tells me I want everything my own way and always have done, despite the many accommodations and sacrifices I've made for him.

I still love him and really want this relationship to work, but it is emotionally exhausting and right now I need someone I can discuss his diagnosis with (he has sworn me to secrecy). I need to know if I CAN make it work, and if not, find a way to come to terms with it - for both our sakes.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

To be blunt, he is who he is and has likely been this way his entire life. If you can tolerate the dysfunction you’ve already observed, then it is possible to continue the relationship. If you are expecting him to change back into the person you initially fell in love with, you will be seriously disappointed.

[AndreaX]

Thanks Cat, I don't mind you being blunt, and I'm pretty sure you're right!

I don't expect him to turn back into the person I fell in love with - that was a unique experience that can't be re-created, and I'm not a romantic fantasist.

But like I say, I do love him and want to find better ways of responding to the dysfunctional behaviour while protecting my own mental health. It's never going to be easy, but being able to share experiences and insights will, I hope, help.

[Rev]

To be blunt, he is who he is and has likely been this way his entire life. If you can tolerate the dysfunction you’ve already observed, then it is possible to continue the relationship. If you are expecting him to change back into the person you initially fell in love with, you will be seriously disappointed.

Hi Andrea

Welcome... you've come to really great place. Lot's of experience here. No judgement. We all just sort of sort it out as best as we can.

I agree with Cat.  And in light of her advice, I'd add this.  Given that your partner will not likely change much, at least in the foreseeable future, then what about you?  If you are going to be in relationship, you will most definitely need to change.

 So I'd invite you to take a step back, disengage, speak to yourself with compassion and know your limits. If you don't know them, you'll have a really hard time sticking to boundaries. If you do know them, then you can be in relationship with a person with a personality disorder.

Even though you're on the bettering board - full disclosure I am divorced - many of us here point out that if a relationship impacts your mental health or becomes abusive, then it's time to take a step back. Physical violence is never acceptable.

Take some time to sit with this - tough to absorb I would imagine given the time of year. Write back any time. Thanks for sharing your story.

Hang in there.

Rev

[bugwaterguy]

The fact that you have this diagnosis so early in the relationship gives me lots of hope for you.  Many of us on these boards have been in long term (25 years for me) relationships and struggled to understand what is going on.  I wish I knew earlier in my relationship what I know now...

This will be a great deal of work for you.  You need to self-examine to determine if you are up for it
Look at https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

To help determine if you are up for this - you will want to do some reading to understand what you are in for.

To start with, I would read Stop Walking On Eggshells, Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook, Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Relationships with a BPD partner can be rewarding, particularly if you can grow together to address this issue.

[AndreaX]

Thank you Rev and bugwaterguy for your thoughtful, and helpful, replies.

Rev, I have deliberately not responded immediately to give myself time to reflect, and also to talk with friends. (I was self-isolating over Christmas so had no interaction with anyone, other than my partner at the end of the phone.) When I did eventually meet up with my two closest friends yesterday, I found myself defending my partner quite robustly. Like saying no, he has terrible neighbours who behave badly towards him, rather than my friend's assumption that it is all in my partner's mind, or he brings things on himself because 'what do you expect? we know what he's like'.

Well, I think I know him a little better and I certainly know what triggers him. And yes, I need to have realistic expectations of him. When we (my partner and I) talk about a traumatic event after it's happened, and I ask what I could have done differently or what might have helped, he tells me he appreciates my calmness and just 'being with him' as he goes through an emotional crisis.

Having said that, it's easier when the trigger is an external situation; I can lead him away from it, and sit with him, or let him go somewhere safe to be on his own (if that's what he wants). But when it's me that's triggered him and he angrily denounces me, it takes an awful lot for me not to 'fight back', or simply terminate a phone call or ignore his texts. Whatever I do, it comes in for a lot of analysis from him and I have to confront and reflect on the reasons for my actions, one way or another.

I've read the article you linked to, bugwaterguy, and I understand I need to be emotionally strong to make this relationship work - and I need a stable social network I can call on for support. The main problem I suffered living with my partner was my near-total social isolation, and I have explained this to him on numerous occasions.

Part of the problem, from his point of view, is he finds it hard to trust me now and I know I've got my work cut out on this issue. Specifically, he fears what I say behind his back.
For example, swearing me to secrecy on his diagnosis is a difficult challenge, when I would love to talk it over with a friend who is a trained psychotherapist whose judgement I trust...

In the meantime, I need to educate myself more on the subject and yes, know my own limits and learn how to communicate them without jeopardising our relationship. At the moment, I think the diagnosis is more helpful for me than it is for him - he is (and has always been) very anti-psychiatry and does not accept the pathologising of his emotional states. Yes, he accepts he may be 'emotionally unstable', but he disparages what he sees as the convention of not expressing, or 'owning', your true feelings. "Being 'emotionally unstable' is probably what keeps me alive," he told me.

[AndreaX]

We're both in our 50s, by the way...

[Rev]

Thank you Rev and bugwaterguy for your thoughtful, and helpful, replies.

Rev, I have deliberately not responded immediately to give myself time to reflect, and also to talk with friends. (I was self-isolating over Christmas so had no interaction with anyone, other than my partner at the end of the phone.) When I did eventually meet up with my two closest friends yesterday, I found myself defending my partner quite robustly. Like saying no, he has terrible neighbours who behave badly towards him, rather than my friend's assumption that it is all in my partner's mind, or he brings things on himself because 'what do you expect? we know what he's like'.

Well, I think I know him a little better and I certainly know what triggers him. And yes, I need to have realistic expectations of him. When we (my partner and I) talk about a traumatic event after it's happened, and I ask what I could have done differently or what might have helped, he tells me he appreciates my calmness and just 'being with him' as he goes through an emotional crisis.

Having said that, it's easier when the trigger is an external situation; I can lead him away from it, and sit with him, or let him go somewhere safe to be on his own (if that's what he wants). But when it's me that's triggered him and he angrily denounces me, it takes an awful lot for me not to 'fight back', or simply terminate a phone call or ignore his texts. Whatever I do, it comes in for a lot of analysis from him and I have to confront and reflect on the reasons for my actions, one way or another.

I've read the article you linked to, bugwaterguy, and I understand I need to be emotionally strong to make this relationship work - and I need a stable social network I can call on for support. The main problem I suffered living with my partner was my near-total social isolation, and I have explained this to him on numerous occasions.

Part of the problem, from his point of view, is he finds it hard to trust me now and I know I've got my work cut out on this issue. Specifically, he fears what I say behind his back.
For example, swearing me to secrecy on his diagnosis is a difficult challenge, when I would love to talk it over with a friend who is a trained psychotherapist whose judgement I trust...

In the meantime, I need to educate myself more on the subject and yes, know my own limits and learn how to communicate them without jeopardising our relationship. At the moment, I think the diagnosis is more helpful for me than it is for him - he is (and has always been) very anti-psychiatry and does not accept the pathologising of his emotional states. Yes, he accepts he may be 'emotionally unstable', but he disparages what he sees as the convention of not expressing, or 'owning', your true feelings. "Being 'emotionally unstable' is probably what keeps me alive," he told me.

All of this sounds good -  because you are writing from a placé of your values. Not fighting back can be hard - the push / pull of these relationships make it hard.

Again - full disclosure - I left for two reasons - unethical behavior through work - escalating physical and verbal abuse.

Never in my time with her was there an ability to accept her condition. Never did she acknowledge that I kept her calm. So all that to say - I think that every story is unique. Your friends don't sound like they were helpful even if they were well intentioned.

Hang in there. You do what you think is best.

[AndreaX]

Thank you