I'm so exhausted - help

[Karen4u]

 help: We just moved to NY, my husband and I, and are the the front end of 2 new jobs.  We settled our daughter into an apartment about 2 and a half hours away.  The whole move has been exceptionally stressful because she fell apart this summer and he spent 6 weeks taking her to therapy in NC while she lived with her girlfriend and he stayed in a hotel. 

Yesterday she had a fight with her new girlfriend and wants to break up.  Even though her girlfriend apologized, that's not good enough for her.  She says such hateful things about her.  Today she wants to come home to spend the day with me.

I'm exhausted.  For the past 2 days I've been driving up here from TN, moving my in-laws here.  They are closing on a house today and I'm helping with all of that.  My husband is in TN with the movers today.  They are in their 80s.  In addition, I have to finish writing a sermon for Sunday and prepare for the service, as well as all of the other things I've left at the church this week to go get them.

I want to draw some boundaries with my daughter but she threatens self-harm.  It's so scary.  She's super bright.  But also, she turns our lives upside down.  Our hearts ache.  We have cried so many tears. . .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome!
Good for you in recognizing that you have needs too.  Not only that, you are as important as your daughter.  Some suggested reading is "boundaries" under the drop down menu "tools" up above on this page.   
Have patience because establishing boundaries is trial and error, may need to be modified as you go along.  The boundaries have to have a consequence you can enforce.   What are you willing to do( for example, suggesting another day for her visit,( only if you want) because you are not available on that day.  Or you can tell her while she can't visit for the day because you are unavailable, you can talk to her on phone for a set amount of time( 15 mins, 1 hour , whatever) and let her know you have a hard stop at that time.  Also keep in mind with BPD , the situation with her( GF argument) will fluctuate many different times  but you can choose not to fluctuate with her mentally.  The self harm  threats are scary , we know.  Here is some suggested reading on that :
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=199594.msg12243007

One way to deal is to let her know you will call 911

Please write back to us  as you are able.

[Sancho]

Hi Karen4u
You have so much to deal with at the moment! I have read your post a few times and wondered what I would do in your shoes - I think I have been there a few times!

I am probably too late with this reply, but I think it would be better to 'go with the flow' at the moment rather than try boundary setting - which I think would add another layer to your already overburdened lot.

Just a move is a sky - high stressor!

What I do is:
Only do what is absolutely necessary - this takes some doing as when you feel overburdened EVERYTHING has to be done right now. Make a list and number them in order.
Write a list of what you NEED to do each day - even the smallest thing - and cross each off as you do it.
Try to take a small break very often eg do stuff for 50 mins, sit down or better lie down 15 mins then  repeat.

Within this structure you might be able to (a) have your dd tag along (b) get her to lie down when you are (c) have lunch with her?

I know it all sounds ridiculous when you are in such a situation - but sometimes these little 'tricks' can get you through.

When things settle, look at the boundary thing then. You need energy to follow through, cope with reactions etc and I think it's better to start that process when you are at the very least not moving house - and moving 80 year old relatives!

Best wishes