Divorce and situational competence

[bugwaterguy]

I believe my wife is a high-functioning undiagnosed BPD.  I am usually the only one who sees the dysfunction.

As my wife is discussing divorce, it feels like she is having situational competence unlike I have seen in a long time. 

We have no emotional connection, but she is functioning very well - no meltdowns or blaming.  She is also much higher functioning with our kids than she normally is.

Has anyone else experienced this?  Or have any ideas about how I respond? 

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[kells76]

Here's one possibility:

Imagine Jell-o just on the table -- an amorphous blob that can't hold itself up.

Now imagine Jell-o in a jar. It holds its shape due to the sides and base of the jar.

I suspect that as much as pwBPD seem to hate external boundaries, those same external boundaries give form to their lives and selves that they don't typically have, enabling them to perform executively at a level they can't do on their own.

My husband's kids' mom was a MUCH better parent when there was a counselor involved. She could "just do what the counselor said to do" and it was amazingly nearly functional. Now that the counselor hasn't been involved for a few years, she struggles to parent appropriately once again.

Perhaps her idea of getting a divorce, because it is a structured process of steps that involves professionals, may be giving some external structure to support her self?

Any of that ring true?

[GaGrl]

My H function very much as Tells describes -- as the support and structure that his then-wife (uBPD/NPD) required. He was a bit older, more educated, and more confident in his life skills, so she saw him more as a parental and authority figure than as a life partner and sexual partner (she went outside the marriage after 18 months).

[bugwaterguy]

Perhaps her idea of getting a divorce, because it is a structured process of steps that involves professionals, may be giving some external structure to support her self?

Any of that ring true?

Yes, that is definitely a possibility.  I am concerned that she "fakes" things through the process, and when we are separated, she uses the kids as her target instead of me.  And I won't be there to protect them like I am now.  It hurts to think of it.

[Notwendy]

I love Kells' description.

My BPD mother is not high functioning in terms of daily tasks but is able to enlist people to do them for her and it appears she is. She also has a certain persona she presents to others and can change in an instance if nobody else is around. She's also very good at this. Most people who know her outside of her immediate family don't have an idea of the larger picture.

A paradox of BPD is that it seems most apparent in the most intimate relationships. Now that you have some emotional distance from your wife, you may be seeing more of her persona with acquaintances and less of her behavior with close family members. While I think there's some conscious effort to present a competent persona, I also don't think it's entirely fake in that a less intimate relationship requires less interpersonal skill and so is less stressful and there's less fear of abandonment. I think a close relationship is harder for them to maintain than a more superficial one, and so they are better at it.

[bugwaterguy]

My wife keeps acting "nicer" than she has in a long time.  It is so strange because she has put a deposit on a place to move out, and is moving through the divorce process.

Some examples:
We put away Christmas decorations today, and she helped more than she has in over a decade.  Usually she is too tired, or gets overwhelmed and hides in our room, or leaves.
She has put away food after dinner.  I almost always do that.
She keeps asking if there is anything I need from her. 

Why might this be?  Here are my thoughts:
1. I am changing my behavior - I am not bending over backwards to try to anticipate her needs. I am just doing things instead of asking her permission.
2. She is trying to make herself look good before a divorce, to get the best settlement for her.
3. She is on the positive side of a split, that could change at any time
4. She wants to prove to herself and me that she can do things on her own, so I will have less concerns about sending the kids to her
5.  It is situational competence, and she is functioning better, because she no longer sees me as partner where she lets her guard down, but as an outsider. (My wife is often high-functioning in most situations, except when she is with me)
6.  She is having some regret/guilt for how she has treated me.

It is surreal what is happening. 
Is she capable of more than she lets on?  Or is this only temporary?

[Couscous]

I’ll put money on #1. The overfunctioner/underfunctioner dynamic is very common in relationships.The underfunctioner will only stop underfunctioning when the overfunctioner stops overfunctioning.