First post: polygraphs and such

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

This is my first post, been watching and learning for a bit. I’ll ask my question then give you some background. Really appreciate the feedback.

Q: Has anyone experienced their BPD passing a polygraph where they were not truthful: omissions, commissions, all the missions!

Background: married almost 30 years. H was doing SA counseling (betrayal trauma model), and CSAT encouraged psych eval. Results: “undiagnosed personality disorder with components of bpd, ocd, paranoid and narcissistic.” “Extremely immature, highly manipulative, etc”.

We are in process of preparing for a Therapeutic Disclosure, which will involve a poly. Before getting there, “odd happenings” began. Was encouraged by coaches doing disclosure prep to pursue interim poly.

H left poly very smug.

In reading results, I see things that are not accurate.

I have often said H doesn’t lie, he just tells what he wants the truth to be.

I had concerns that the way he “remembers” would allow him to pass a poly. Looks like I may be right.

Anyone else been down this road?

[Trying2try]

Hi all,

This is my first post, been watching and learning for a bit. I’ll ask my question then give you some background. Really appreciate the feedback.

Q: Has anyone experienced their BPD passing a polygraph where they were not truthful: omissions, commissions, all the missions!

Background: married almost 30 years. H was doing SA counseling (betrayal trauma model), and CSAT encouraged psych eval. Results: “undiagnosed personality disorder with components of bpd, ocd, paranoid and narcissistic.” “Extremely immature, highly manipulative, etc”.

We are in process of preparing for a Therapeutic Disclosure, which will involve a poly. Before getting there, “odd happenings” began. Was encouraged by coaches doing disclosure prep to pursue interim poly.

H left poly very smug.

In reading results, I see things that are not accurate.

I have often said H doesn’t lie, he just tells what he wants the truth to be.

I had concerns that the way he “remembers” would allow him to pass a poly. Looks like I may be right.

Anyone else been down this road?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Trying2try]

Oops! Not sure how to edit!

Typo Correction: Unspecified Personality Disorder with N, OC, P, &BPD.

[alterK]

Hi Trying, and welcome to the forum! I’m neither a lawyer nor a forensic scientist, but I do know that polygraph tests are rarely admissible in court because they have been shown to be unreliable.

Again, I’m not an expert, and hopefully someone who knows more about this will reply to your post, but it looks to me like a trap is being prepared for you. If you are certain that your H passed the polygraph test despite giving false information, you already have pretty strong evidence that the test is unreliable. But you may be heading into a situation in which you are the only person in the room saying what you believe is true, while everyone else believes the opposite, and insists they have “proof.”

You are in a tough place and it's reasonable to seek coaching help, but if you don't trust this process, how can it help you? Is there any way you can slow it down? Maybe consult an outside expert who could give you some objective advice? Get a second opinion from another counselor?

One of my favorite movie scenes is in the original "Dracula" from 1930, in which Bela Lugosi stares at a young woman, reaches his hand out to her, and says, "TRUST ME!" Well, we all know the mistake she is about to make. Your doubts may or may not be 100% correct, but surely your caution is reasonable.

[once removed]

im primarily wondering how the two of you got to this point.

there are so many unknowns here. youve been married 30 years. how the two of you communicate, the truth of things for each of you, vs how the other sees it, that my immediate conclusion is that polygraph results are really immaterial compared to how the two of you relate to each other.

so whats going on?

[Trying2try]

Hi AlterK,
Thank you for the reply. Good info.

As to your questions, yes, I can slow the process. And, the poly was at my request, as was the disclosure. Both can be paused or stopped, thankfully.

My goal with using poly was to only hear truth. Now, understandably, after almost three decades, some information may be forgotten or deeply filed. Still, it is believed enough truth can be found to encourage healing. It is easier to forgive/heal when you know what you are forgiving.

Am I being set up or led into a trap? By my H? Possibly. I see it as him trying to play a game. His NPD is covert. Appears “poor me”, or as someone who “just needs a little help”. My opinion is, this is ego boost. His way of looking at the world: How many people can I trick into doing something, giving me something, showing sympathy or pity? Are they clever enough to figure me out?
Simultaneously, can I hurt my spouse through lies and distortions?

Thus, I didn’t think of this as the test being unreliable, I think of it as the H being unreliable (or extremely reliable, depending on how you look at it.

[alterK]

Something that people wiser than me have said on this forum is that problems based on emotions are rarely solved by facts. A while ago I realized that many discussions between me and my uBPDw were degenerating into “He said, She said” arguments that could never be settled. She and I had different memories of past events. Sometimes there was actual evidence, like photos, or witnesses, but usually there was no way to settle those arguments. All they did was distract us from the real issues.

What I started to do was insist (as gently as I could) that we stop using the past tense and confine our discussions to present and future. “I am concerned about this thing that is happening now, and what we can do about it now and in the future.” Although I can’t boast that all my marital problems have been solved, I can say that this approach has resulted in much calmer conversations and fewer arguments.

If your H is playing games with truth, maybe your solution is to stop playing by his rules. This may be difficult. Don’t expect him to change, just because you want him to. People with these traits try very hard to keep relationships going in their accustomed ways. Because their behavior is so often based on fear, they may feel safer in a shouting match than in a discussion of real issues. So confrontation is unlikely to work. But you can change what you do, how you approach him, and maybe that will eventually change how he treats you.

Do you want to share more specifics of what you are seeking to solve between the two of you? (Up to you.) Look at the books in the “Tools” section of this website!

[formflier]

So...let's say he takes the poly and "tells the truth" and he does the "disclosure" and appears to fully disclose there as well.

Then what?  Is everything fixed?

Trying to understand how this process makes things better...I'm assuming I missing part of the story.

Best,

FF