On a positive note

[Firsttimefather]

Had a great conversation yesterday. It all came out: the distance and loneliness I felt and how certain coping mechanisms made it feel like I was very alone in my relationship,
 Since being back home there are constant comments regarding how horrible it was that I was gone and that ‘this’ can’t happen again. I always redirect such remarks toward the work we have to do on us to which she agrees. The ‘this’ is me feeling the need to flee and her not inspiring the need to flee. She said she recognizes that both of us have trust issues that need to be dealt with (I’m guessing T talk) and that out relationship is very important to her now seeing what is was like without me there.
 (This is flattering but I’m also aware of idealization and the extremes that are being presented however I also do trust in the sincerity. I do believe she sees us as a good team and wants to see us succeed.)
  We discussed the need for changes in both our lives for sake of how those changes can improve our relationship: getting out of the house more, engaging with friends (this does not currently happen mostly as she is not so proactive on this however work schedules have complicated this. She works nights and that is about to change)
 We discussed the disorder and the diagnosis. She was happy to hear That I have put time and research into it and am aware of what it means and can mean. She owned up to ‘my mental illness and childhood/family traumas’ that have complicated her mental health as well as the string of bad luck that has followed poor decisions. Assaults, robberies, etc. I mentioned that I am aware that this increases the maintenance we must administer to our relationship but if she remains committed then I will also.
 She discussed not having been formally diagnosed but having been told she displays symptoms/traits. I do believe this however I have seen for myself that more traits are evident.
 As for myself: I feel more grounded. This is my ‘last attempt’ at us. I feel that is fair and not totally unhealthy as I do, have and will continue to work on myself and stay engaged in T. We also discussed her schedule change and how T is definitely a good idea to help her through the anxieties, fears, etc. and she agrees.
 It has been the holidays so this far it is just conversations however follow through must happen or we can’t move forward  and we both are aware of this.
 Her hopes are that we move in the direction of relocating closer to her family later in the year and again all contingent upon. Agreements and follow through.
 More and more my own paranoias and doubts are quelled and my focus shifts towards me. I have made a vow unto myself to keep that stance and just do things in my life that I feel important regardless if we stick together or not. I feel this is most important. I have many great opportunities ahead and want to keep them in focus.
 She asked how she can better support me. She offered to pay my half of the rent for the time I wasn’t home due to everything that went down. Days and times spent with each other are very loving and feel full of promise.
 Well there is my update and again it’s a day by day affair. I want it to work out. If it doesn’t however, I feel it will be okay and I won’t be so devastated. Should she go the way of the many failed relationships I see, hear of read about regarding Bpd, I’m willing to accept that the illness is a tall order. One I am willing to take on however I remain consistent, and say it when appropriate: I am happy to help but I’m not a Dr, not a T and that it would probably be wise to seek that type of support so we can be equal partners in our pursuits.
 We have also started learning to paint together. Watercolors, oils…. this feels great and brings a new sense of peace and togetherness to the table.
 May these all be the beginning takes of success stories to come. So hard not to succumb to the stigma as the odds are definitely not seemingly to be in favor of such, however I am still willing to try.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[grumpydonut]

1. Did you suggest therapy or did she?

2. Did you suggest the other changes or did she?

If this is all being led by you, there is more than a good chance that she is going to feel engulfed quite quickly. This all sounds like her pandering to you to avoid abandonment. My assumption would be that she will revert to normal behaviour as soon as you two get comfortable again.

If she does, I urge you to make sure you follow through with your "last chance" promise.

I wish you well in your attempt!

[SinisterComplex]

Had a great conversation yesterday. It all came out: the distance and loneliness I felt and how certain coping mechanisms made it feel like I was very alone in my relationship,
 Since being back home there are constant comments regarding how horrible it was that I was gone and that ‘this’ can’t happen again. I always redirect such remarks toward the work we have to do on us to which she agrees. The ‘this’ is me feeling the need to flee and her not inspiring the need to flee. She said she recognizes that both of us have trust issues that need to be dealt with (I’m guessing T talk) and that out relationship is very important to her now seeing what is was like without me there.
 (This is flattering but I’m also aware of idealization and the extremes that are being presented however I also do trust in the sincerity. I do believe she sees us as a good team and wants to see us succeed.)
  We discussed the need for changes in both our lives for sake of how those changes can improve our relationship: getting out of the house more, engaging with friends (this does not currently happen mostly as she is not so proactive on this however work schedules have complicated this. She works nights and that is about to change)
 We discussed the disorder and the diagnosis. She was happy to hear That I have put time and research into it and am aware of what it means and can mean. She owned up to ‘my mental illness and childhood/family traumas’ that have complicated her mental health as well as the string of bad luck that has followed poor decisions. Assaults, robberies, etc. I mentioned that I am aware that this increases the maintenance we must administer to our relationship but if she remains committed then I will also.
 She discussed not having been formally diagnosed but having been told she displays symptoms/traits. I do believe this however I have seen for myself that more traits are evident.
 As for myself: I feel more grounded. This is my ‘last attempt’ at us. I feel that is fair and not totally unhealthy as I do, have and will continue to work on myself and stay engaged in T. We also discussed her schedule change and how T is definitely a good idea to help her through the anxieties, fears, etc. and she agrees.
 It has been the holidays so this far it is just conversations however follow through must happen or we can’t move forward  and we both are aware of this.
 Her hopes are that we move in the direction of relocating closer to her family later in the year and again all contingent upon. Agreements and follow through.
 More and more my own paranoias and doubts are quelled and my focus shifts towards me. I have made a vow unto myself to keep that stance and just do things in my life that I feel important regardless if we stick together or not. I feel this is most important. I have many great opportunities ahead and want to keep them in focus.
 She asked how she can better support me. She offered to pay my half of the rent for the time I wasn’t home due to everything that went down. Days and times spent with each other are very loving and feel full of promise.
 Well there is my update and again it’s a day by day affair. I want it to work out. If it doesn’t however, I feel it will be okay and I won’t be so devastated. Should she go the way of the many failed relationships I see, hear of read about regarding Bpd, I’m willing to accept that the illness is a tall order. One I am willing to take on however I remain consistent, and say it when appropriate: I am happy to help but I’m not a Dr, not a T and that it would probably be wise to seek that type of support so we can be equal partners in our pursuits.
 We have also started learning to paint together. Watercolors, oils…. this feels great and brings a new sense of peace and togetherness to the table.
 May these all be the beginning takes of success stories to come. So hard not to succumb to the stigma as the odds are definitely not seemingly to be in favor of such, however I am still willing to try.

I have no qualms with you trying again. All I will say...know what you are getting yourself into. Brace yourself for the inevitable storms to come. More importantly, this is the most important piece of advice I will say...you better focus on yourself and not on her as much. The second you place your focus on her and cater to her needs be rest assured you'll end up right back where you started. You have to kick your co-dependent behaviors to have any chance at this thing working. Be firm and indifferent and remain constant. In essence, do not enable S  behavior and do not loosen your boundaries ever. If you allow weak boundaries its a wrap for you.

Accept her as she is and don't bet on the potential and upside...that is a zero sum game.

With all that said...good luck.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[WhatToDo47]

I am happy to hear the positive updates. Keep us posted!

[Firsttimefather]

Thanks for your responses:
 GrumpD, my good friend, I am glad you responded and I wanna say I’m sorry for your suffering (I read your post on ‘2 years’ etc)…Anyway you asked great questions: the T is 2 part. She approached some on her own but as a contingency on me returning home, it was something I requested though she agreed it was necessary. It was she who brought up trust issues as something that really needs focus. The ‘changes’ were also a joint effort. It is a tricky one as I need to change my focus into me and less on her so I’m trying to offer balance via not focusing all the negative upon her actions. It is true my trust has wavered though I think that makes perfect sense.
 I do not feel the dysregulation will not occur or habits may return. I feel I must focus on my grounding and yes my ‘last chance promise’ is set in stone. Honestly if my family weren’t in support of me I would feel as if I couldn’t try again however that support most likely would not continue through another major fallout (I.e-police)
   SC,
    You read my mind and write it very plainly. I’m going to keep a screenshot as a daily reminder. I feel as you have said. My T and I (this is not my couple T) have agreed to make this my codependent behavior/habits my focus. I am not thinking of this just in terms of this relationship but in life in general. I feel like this crossroads is still where I am standing though walking in the direction of trying. What I mean to say is: I have made a promise to myself to focus more upon myself. I do believe it could be possible that should I only be who puts forth such an effort then it is possible I outgrow the relationship: my self worth may grow to no longer be hospitable to she and I.
 Promises, agreements and boundaries must be upheld in my opinion. If the work isn’t done or focus isn’t place with equal attention then what point is there? I still tread lightly on large future promises. I try to focus on the present andtake it day by day step by step.
  I feel so lucky to be here, to have found this place and all of you. It has allowed me to maintain a lot of self through this last episode and also reaching out yo close friends has helped me to create some sense of accountability. They being aware of my situation they reflect a lot of support on me not settling for less than I deserve. I don’t expect miracles, I don’t expect major change overnight but as it stands there is a sense of focus towards our relationship improving from both of us.

 This is my new mantra and should be a song lyric:

‘Accept her as she is and don't bet on the potential and upside...that is a zero sum game’
 
  I do think of her in this respect. I don’t mean for my message to come across as ‘I know , I know, I’m on it , I got it…’ I really appreciate your feedback and it is right in line with my thoughts on the matter. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t be here still.
 I’m going to keep coming here through the good times too. I think it is crucial for my growth whether In the relationship or not.
  Thanks again and please keep it coming. You are like guardian angels and I appreciate the brutal honesty all of you provide.
 WhatToDo: will do!
 Happy New Year everyone…

 

[once removed]

so far, so good.

that I was gone

whats the backstory here?

[Firsttimefather]

OR,
 I spent 4 weeks away from home very minimal contact following a dysregulation cycle, w emotional blackmail, false police report..(she told 911 DV but when arrivrdbtpld police the truth that it was no DV). This did coincide with a medicine change, not to excuse it…

[once removed]

got it.

youve got to understand that people with BPD traits are inherently distrusting of others, and any breach of that trust is a level five code red.

you probably do. im not trying to guilt you for it, just trying to get across the importance of it to her.

the good news is that she sounds like shes genuinely prepared to rebuild trust. and from what you detail, she communicates her needs pretty well for someone with bpd traits.

its no guarantee, but theres a lot of promise here.

one thing that concerns me is that theres a fine line between focusing on yourself, and being resigned to the idea that things may not work out, which is healthy, vs emotionally having one foot out the door. the difference is that the other person can tend to feel that.

would you say youre more in the former camp or the latter?

[Firsttimefather]

I feel like I’m more in the former camp. I do feel there is a great clarity she possesses and sees that her actions were uncalled for and not acceptable, though they did happen. I accept that I can’t change her and that the odds of it working out are not the best however I also feel an overall sense of trust despite what occurred.
 It isn’t any one thing, one look or one thing said: she expressed that she has kept long term relationships and that ours is one she wishes to see persist. Again: we agreed on done necessary steps, work and boundaries that need to be addressed and promises made that need follow through. To that I can wake it one step at a time, one day at a time but not with my self focused on leaving. My g gf cousins on self betterment and doing my best to maintain a healthy position in the relationship as that is what I can control.
 I really appreciate your questions, very thought provoking and I find that very helpful.