Tough decision made

[Bpdmom19$]

The other day I experienced an event that led to my having to call the police and kick my daughter out of the house. It’s been a rough few days but I felt I was out of options. For the last few years things have escalated with her bpd drastically. She has petulant bpd and is often attention seeking paranoid and theatrical with her episodes. I have spent several years trying to get help for her and she declined every single time. She doesn’t respect my home has sleepovers anytime she pleases does go to college and does well but doesn’t work. She cuts herself frequently as I spent my anniversary in an emergency room with her only for them to send her home. She threatens to kill herself all the time and I’ve had her hospitalized for taking Motrin on many occasions only for her to decline help come home and I’m up most nights trying to find her when she blows up leaves the house and threatens to kill herself. The last straw was she had a sleepover when we asked her not to and at 230 in the morning she woke us up banging around fighting with her girlfriend. I went into the room she said she was gonna leave girlfriend said she had Motrin again I asked could  we calmly talk through the problem for her safety she screamed at me said no and opened a bottle of Motrin. She went to take it I said no and tried to take the bottle from her she then began physically beating me until I was bleeding from a gouge under the nose and from my mouth with a busted lip and I had a slight black eye. I called the police and they made her leave. I feel defeated because I feel after years of taking her everywhere begging for help it was not effective because she would not participate. I feel horrible for kicking her out and diminishing her chances to go to college but at the same time I can no longer take the abuse. Thank you for any advice or comments. I am glad I found this space to talk with others that may understand.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HopinAndPrayin]

I’m so sorry you experienced this.

I am assuming because of the violence you experienced that you have now gone to an urgent care clinic and been checked out.  Your health and safety matter.  Take pictures of your face for documentation purposes, get copies of the police report, get copies of your medical report.  You don’t have to do anything with them if you don’t want to, but you always want to make sure you have them.  I’d make a back-up set of copies and also keep photos in an album on your phone.

So, about 2022…

First and foremost, you need to change the locks.  Kwikset makes a set you can rekey yourself. I’d prioritize doing that first thing tomorrow.  It may help you feel a bit safer. I rekeyed and also changed all my alarm codes, PIN codes, and safeword for when an alarm was triggered.

Second, work with a professional to develop a safety plan for yourself.  PwBPD don’t take rejection kindly and are likely to return.  You’ll need a plan you feel comfortable with.

Third, find ways to make space for yourself for healing.  Be extra kind and gentle with yourself. You just survived a traumatic incident.  You were the target of violence. You also made a very hard and necessary choice.  This is all a lot.  Look up ways to soothe your nervous system. That might be a weighted blanket, warm bath, distracting tv show.  Do only what feels good to you right now.

You might also consider blocking your daughter’s number and blocking her on social media sites you’re on.  This doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t want it to be, but some space and distance right now helps give you the space to heal and get in touch with yourself.

Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you.  I hope you’ll be able to get some rest and heal up.

[Bpdmom19$]

Thank you so much for all of the helpful tips. I will be sure to put a lot of these tips to good use. I feel like I’ve been through a war and back and never stopped to contemplate how I was being affected. I feel for so long I’ve been so enmeshed with seeking mental help for and constantly trying to keep her calm and “save her” that I didn’t even realize how damaged I’ve become.

[Elizabeth22]

Hi, Bpdmom19$   

Welcome to the site, I am glad you found us.

You have been through quite an ordeal and maybe still processing trauma, I am so sorry.

HopinAndPrayin has some good advice to consider.

I think you should consider a restraining order if you don't already have one and adhere to it. Many people who go to get them feel bad when they get to court and back down or ask the judge to be lenient. Just remember you are doing what you must for your protection, you were placed in this situation through no fault of your own and she will have to find a way to make do on her own. Perhaps the police are also pressing charges. It's good to have both in place.

I am sure you do feel defeated, but you are not a failure, you tried. We can't help people who do not want to be helped.
In that same line of thinking, if she going to kill herself, that is what she will do, and you would not be responsible for it. It is a choice she would make. Again, you tried to help her.

I think you can probably tell I am at zero tolerance for BPD and the like, and not everyone is in the same place I am in, and that's ok.

I do think you have to think of your safety and well being first, whether you try to help her again or not, it's that old saying about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first or however it goes. But, you are not under any obligation to help her. She brutally abused you and it's ok if you just say you have had enough and you want to live your life free of this.

If anyone is responsible for whatever happens with her college, it's her, not you. She made these choices.

It's really ok to let go, and it's ok to feel guilty about it, it doesn't mean you did the wrong thing, it means you are in an impossible situation and trying to do your best.

[Bpdmom19$]

Thanks so much for the advice. I really can’t believe that this has happened and maybe this was unknowingly a blessing to me. It’s a wake up call. I never would’ve been strong enough to break free from this ongoing mental hell had it not been for this incident. My husband saw through it years ago but I always felt bad because I figured it wasn’t her fault and that she was suffering because of her mental illness. I figured if I could talk her into completing treatment I could help change her life but I just ended up suffering to the point I am exhausted with no success because of her noncompliance with nearly every health systems programs available  I set her up with  In my area 2022 is going to be a healing year for me after suffering for so long. I’m so glad I found this forum

[beatricex]

Hi bpdmom19$,
 
Thank you for sharing, I found your post quite helpful.  Sometimes, we need to accept what is and stop fighting.  I found this to be a very helpful resource in dealing with my adult stepdaughter who I suspect is BPD, maybe it will also help you?  Specifically, I have viewed the free course, specific to estrangement.

https://familysupportresources.com/

 
b

[Bpdmom19$]

Thank you for sharing

[Swimmy55]

Lots of wisdom in these posts.  I have a similar story in which I had to go to court and file for ER psych eval and Restraining order on my adult son back in 2019 due to his violence. I get it-I hated to do it, but you must have your own back.  I also have  gone to therapy as well to help me cope with having to put up those boundaries.   Please know you are not alone- we are here with you .

[Bpdmom19$]

I appreciate that comment.I am going to sign up for therapy myself as well.

[Swimmy55]

I am glad you are considering therapy .  It was a great support to me in enforcing the RO against my son.  while he stayed away from the house, he initially " didn't get/ didn't want to get" that he also could not call/text me, or cc me in an email to someone else.  I was encouraged by my therapist to report these infractions to the court, even though my heart bled.  I had to be reminded this was all put in place for my safety.