Important question for the community

[MaggieMisty]

Hello,
I posted here before about my abusive ex. A week before Christmas I had to escape from our home fearing for my safety. This was not the first time he was abusive but the episodes were getting more and more intense. Since then he sent me 100s of abusive txt, emails etc. Then he was pleading for me to return. The third stage is he started DBT therapy to prove to me he’s a changed man. Anyway, I found out from the people in his past he was abusive to other women - it stretches to decades of abuse.

The question is - he just emailed me asking can I delete all the abusive messages as that’s the part of his DBT healing that they are not out in the world causing even more anxiety to him - basically my abuser is asking me to delete the evidence of abuse. Thoughts? Is this really part of DBT therapy or is it total BS (because that’s what it sounds to me like).

Many thanks,

[GaGrl]

It's total BS.

More likely, his DBT has afforded him enough insight to realize and admit his level of abuse, and he's covering his tracks.

[kells76]

Is this really part of DBT therapy

I cannot think of a single therapy modality that requires *other people* to do things.

[SinisterComplex]

Hello,
I posted here before about my abusive ex. A week before Christmas I had to escape from our home fearing for my safety. This was not the first time he was abusive but the episodes were getting more and more intense. Since then he sent me 100s of abusive txt, emails etc. Then he was pleading for me to return. The third stage is he started DBT therapy to prove to me he’s a changed man. Anyway, I found out from the people in his past he was abusive to other women - it stretches to decades of abuse.

The question is - he just emailed me asking can I delete all the abusive messages as that’s the part of his DBT healing that they are not out in the world causing even more anxiety to him - basically my abuser is asking me to delete the evidence of abuse. Thoughts? Is this really part of DBT therapy or is it total BS (because that’s what it sounds to me like).

Many thanks,

Do not fall for this crap. That is not part of DBT therapy or at least I have never heard of a therapist in general worth their grain of salt who would recommend such a thing. To be honest it is a bit absurd because that is encouraging and enabling essentially. Yeah lets just wipe away all the evidence you acted like a horrible human being. 

Bottom line...stand your ground, live your truth, and do not comply with his requests.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[brighter future]

I agree with the others. It sounds like total crap to me. Your ex should be apologizing to you for his poor behavior instead of asking you permanently delete the evidence. It seems like that would be the more beneficial to him in his therapy. He sounds like a hardcore manipulator to me, which is classic BPD behavior.

[MaggieMisty]

Thank you all! So before I read your answers … He did share the website of the therapist with me to prove he’s a changed man - it’s a large practice that has many patients and is specializing in DBT. So I wrote to them asking is this something they recommend to their clients - they responded quickly saying absolutely not what we suggested. I did not name him (why do I still feel the need to protect him?).

Anyway, something good I want to share here - since I got out, even living out of the suitcase and being in a high pressure job - I feel so alive and full of energy (scared and angry too at times) but my joy of life has returned once my abuser stopped sucking me dry. I wish you all lot of joy.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi MaggieMisty,

Maybe you can somehow print out those text messages, perhaps through your phone carrier, or you can text them to your email and either print them or keep a file made to store them in. I would hang onto them for documentation should you ever need them. Texting to your private email is a safe option.

I'm so glad you are touching joy! The sunshine is coming out for you. 

 
Wools