She shares tiny things and then sets a giant privacy boundary upon any question

[Boogie74]

Last week, J told me she has to go to her mom’s house to help her.   I said ok and asked (like normal people do) “What are you helping with?”  I mean, does she need me to help with anything too or a ride (her car is out of commission).   Her response was a very frustrated “Helping her with ‘BILLS’” (insert adolescent GEEEZ- lay off me! tone)

So I said, “You’re helping organize them or do your parents need help paying?  I’m on board if they need help”. Her response was a very angry “It DOESNT CONCERN YOU! You’re ALWAYS poking your nose into other peoples business!  Leave it alone!”

Despite multiple statements from me that I don’t care about it that much and it’s not important, she chased the topic in circles about how I’m saying this to dig into this “state secret” issue.  

Fast forward to me taking her to her mom’s (she asked me if I wanted to go- so I drove her), I called her bullPLEASE READ out by telling her mother that J has drawn a giant boundary about whatever they were doing and I will be leaving them to return when she needs a ride to give them more privacy.   She went off about how despite my insistence that her mother NOT tell me anything, it’s an attempt to dig for more info.   Her mother said, “I don’t know what the secret is- she’s just helping to figure out medical bills with me” (which is a normal response).   J went into the other room carrying out a tantrum about how I’m a stupid PLEASE READing idiot and how I need to dig into her privacy and business..   I told her mom that I have no interest in their medical bills and it’s really not a big deal.  

After this whole ordeal, several hours later, she texted me to ask if I wanted food at her parents house.   I did not ask or bring up the issue again- as I don’t care that much about her mom’s bills.

This isn’t the first time she’s slightly hinted at something and then behaved as though I’m prying into her worst personal secrets when I act interested in what she is saying. 

I imagine that she does this in an effort to test how much I really care and see how much I will push back when she shoves me out the metaphorical door that she opens.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bugwaterguy]

It certainly sounds like splitting and a typical BPD double standard.  It sounds like you are making the right moves by not engaging in her behavior.

[once removed]

tit for tat isnt helpful in any relationship.

neither is needling someone who is in a mood.

its hard to tell whether this is a long standing problem she has with you, or whether she was in a mood. it would be good to know.

is this a common argument between the two of you? is this something shes brought up before?

[Boogie74]

tit for tat isnt helpful in any relationship.

neither is needling someone who is in a mood.

its hard to tell whether this is a long standing problem she has with you, or whether she was in a mood. it would be good to know.

is this a common argument between the two of you? is this something shes brought up before?

This is extremely common- although not always about a personal informational boundary.   She often says something of conversational interest- and upon my responding with a show of interest and/or opinion on the subject, she shuts the conversation down with an exclamation that no one wants to hear my comments or opinions- “You’re always making it about YOU!  No one wants to hear your opinion!”

[once removed]

picking up on your other thread...

she seems not to like your line of questioning.

why is impossible for us to say.

maybe it makes her feel self conscious. maybe it feels like youre prying or interrogating.

as you said, this is extremely common, and shes telling you in her way that youre not listening, not getting what shes trying to tell you.

why not change approaches?

[Boogie74]

picking up on your other thread...

she seems not to like your line of questioning.

why is impossible for us to say.

maybe it makes her feel self conscious. maybe it feels like youre prying or interrogating.

as you said, this is extremely common, and shes telling you in her way that youre not listening, not getting what shes trying to tell you.

why not change approaches?

As much as I would love to find a way to make her feel less self conscious, I can’t change myself to be a brick wall that nods and smiles without engaging in a two way conversation. 

[once removed]

right. there might be a middle ground in there somewhere