New and Frustrated but also relieved

[Griff2ooo]

New here... just wanted to do my first post here.   Honestly, I have been reading on BPD for years and always felt my wife fit the criteria.  Her mom is a diagnosed Bi-Polar, parents were divorced when she was young and she dealt with sexual and physical assault as a child.  I knew all of this coming in to the relationship, and she was always a "passionate" person but this past year, things have really started to unwind.

Before I get in to that, I will say it is really comforting to read these other posts.  I read through alot of them and it honestly felt like I was the one typing them, the situations are almost verbatim what I have lived through and for the first time ever, I honestly don't feel crazy.   For years, my wife has labeled me as the narcissist, the one who is selfish and what I have discovered, is I am the co-dependent one.

High level, this past year my wife and I opened a business together, which in itself was a massive feat and test of our relationship.  Luckily, it's been wildly successful, but there has been so many times where she asks for my help one day and then the next day I am overstepping.  one day she needs me, the next day, I am ruining everything.  Its a rollercoaster of emotions and honestly, extremely exhausting.  Not to be mention she has an autoimmune disorder which wreaks havoc on her physically, we have no familial support on either side as my wife is essentially, my MIL's mother, and my own parents have their narcisstics problems.

Here is where I am getting to -- has anyone really been able to survive this?  Meaning, my wife has stated therapy isn't for her, she refuses it, tells me she has had enough of it over the years and nothing more can be done.   I get regular threats of divorce and that I need to make the decision if I want to leave, always feeling tested as if she just wants me to admit I dont want to be with her.  Deep down, part of me doesnt, but another part of me absolutely loves this person who i have built a family with for almost 20 years.

Is there hope?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bugwaterguy]

There is always hope.  There are people on these boards who have been in a similar situation and gotten better/

Before I get in to that, I will say it is really comforting to read these other posts.  I read through alot of them and it honestly felt like I was the one typing them, the situations are almost verbatim what I have lived through and for the first time ever, I honestly don't feel crazy.   For years, my wife has labeled me as the narcissist, the one who is selfish and what I have discovered, is I am the co-dependent one.

Many of us have done the same thing - welcome to the group, my friend.

Here is where I am getting to -- has anyone really been able to survive this?  Meaning, my wife has stated therapy isn't for her, she refuses it, tells me she has had enough of it over the years and nothing more can be done.   I get regular threats of divorce and that I need to make the decision if I want to leave, always feeling tested as if she just wants me to admit I dont want to be with her.  Deep down, part of me doesnt, but another part of me absolutely loves this person who i have built a family with for almost 20 years.

Is there hope?

There is hope.  Yes, relationships survive this.  And some don't. 

It will be hard work for you either leaving or staying. 

What have you tried so far?  Have you read books on BPD?  Have you changed your codependent behaviors? 

This is a good starting point to help you make your decision
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

After that, there are several books to read:
Stop Walking On Eggshells
Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook
Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

[alterK]

Welcome to the forum, Griff! As you said, you have made the most important discovery, which is that you are not alone. The emotional roller coaster, always being the one who’s blamed—many here, each in their own way, have struggled with these same things.

Bug has pointed you toward several books, and if you haven’t read any of them you definitely should. Expecting your W to work with you in solving relationship problems, at least in this stage, is probably unrealistic. But there is a lot you yourself can learn that will help you deal with her, and deal with the emotions these difficult situations arouse in you.

Reading stories here—and reflecting on my own!--I often think, “Why did you put up with this s—t for so many years? What is it in you that made you stay with this person?”

I actually found it very gratifying when I finally realized there were things in me that made me choose the woman I did, and stay with her despite all that’s happened. I finally got a handle on some things in myself I could try to change. You should pat yourself on the back for being able to admit to yourself that you may be “co-dependent.” It’s a courageous start.

We can’t make another person change. But we can try to understand ourselves, forgive ourselves for our screw-ups, and do what we can to move forward. And we can learn better ways of dealing with our BPD-type SO’s.

You can read the books, and read about what others have done to try to deal with these really difficult problems. It's often a long tunnel, but yes, there can be light at the end!

[thankful person]

Hi Griff, it’s amazing that you’ve survived 20 years already in your relationship/marriage! I’ve been with my wife seven years and only found this forum this year. Mostly since what I’ve learnt on here I have been feeling so much more positive about our relationship. But then if you read my posts you’ll see it’s despair one day, celebrating the next… I do have these same issues where it’s basically impossible a lot of the time, to do what my wife claims to want. Because she isn’t specific when telling me, for example, “you never support me”. So I used to spend ages asking what I could do better etc etc. I would get very upset about this and just create more drama really. But I’ve learnt it is basically a trap and there is no magic way I can better support her. I have read the books too, not sure how old your kids are but there is another one about raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissistic parent. And what I have primarily learnt is not to engage. When she accuses me of not being good enough I just say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I do my best.” And if she says, “you’re not sorry, you don’t do your best..” then I attempt to exit the situation or change the subject and sometimes the easiest way to do this is literally to say nothing. Sometimes I get told I’m ignoring her or whatever but I’m still learning and saying less seems to be helping. So if you asked my wife she’d probably say, “I don’t think we should be together” but in fact we have been getting on much better the past few months. There is definitely hope but I think it will always take extra work and consideration on our part.

[Griff2ooo]

Thanks everyone for the welcoming and kind words.  Honestly it really is helpful. This time of the year is always the worst with the holidays.  It’s a love hate relationship for her as she is extremely volatile.   

I have started reading the Stop Walking on Eggshells book.  Just getting in to it now.  I have read many blogs and websites etc about it over the years.   My kids are 14 and 11. My wife regularly battled it out with my son.  Part of it is normal teen stuff but sometimes they go at it and I just feel like an absolute failure for him and my daughter as a parent.  I have a really tumultuous relationship with my own father so just a lot to unpack there


I really should mention I obviously have played my own role in all of this as well. I have anger issues if my own which I have really worked on curbing over the years.   There were some porn issues on my side half way through our marriage that really fractured us and she still brings it up 7 years later.   It’s just very much Dr Jekyll and Mrs Hide. 

I really get triggered by her words.   I know a lot of this whole disease is they can’t always be aware of how hard their emotions are swinging but man it’s hard to just sit there and take it from her when she is letting you have it.  Fine line between being a man and just letting her talk to you however she wants.   It’s really confusing.   

I wil look in to the resources sent over.   Trying to battle through some non COVID sickness this week whic is while other thing.   I cough too much and spread germs and I am careless.  Blah blah. Just frustrating.

[alterK]

One of the most difficult things is not to take it personally when you are being attacked. Your W knows the buttons to push. TRY to bear in mind that she really isn't attacking you. She is trying to protect herself from uncontrollable fear and feelings of inadequacy.

If you think about it, she actually has just a few resources, a few big guns that she will bring out, over and over again. Your job, not easy, is to teach yourself not to take these attacks to heart.

You now have a substantial reading list. You may also want to look at some of the books by Bill Eddy. He's an ex-therapist, now a lawyer who specializes in what he calls "high conflict" people. One good place to start with him would be the book "It's All Your Fault!" There are others as well.

[mitten]

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[mitten]

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Accidentally replied.  Sorry.  How on earth do I delete a post though?  I can't find the delete option...