Why is son secretly marking the times I see my girlfr

[Sluggo]

Question for you all,

Went through a long divorce process which started 6 years ago and finished 3 years ago.  I lost and only awarded minimum time with kids.  3 months later ex gave me full legal and 100 custody except for 30 days in summer.  I went to courts to have that agreement approved by courts and was. 

Ex lives 10 min away.  I had given kids full access to see their mom anytime they want it during that time. However about 4 months ago the bpd mom took kids for the evening without telling me and then lied about it. After that, I told the ex that we were going back to provisions of custody evaluation.  That's been hard for them especially this Christmas. I did let their mom know she could see the kids for Christmas but it would be taken off the allotment of the 30 days as suggested by the original by a a psychological therapist very familiar with all aspects of the divorce and children.   Ex did not take the exchange of days and did not see kids.

When seen my 12 year old son's phone yesterday I see that starting on Christmas he started tracking the time my girlfriend has come to the house or we have gone to hers.  The girlfriend does not spend the night at the house but we'll get an Airbnb as she lives a couple hours away. 

I would my son be tracking that? Could the VPD mom be trying to do something with the courts by having him do that? I was going to ask my son today but wanted to get anyone's thoughts on what the end game is on that. My son and I relationship has been very close but the older three children have been estranged and alienated as notated by the custody evaluator appointed by the court. 

Sluggo

[BigOof]

Super obvious - fear of abandonment is likely the underlying reason. She probably feels you're abandoning the children by seeing your girlfriend.

Such a common problem. I suggest reading old posts: https://www.google.com/search?q=site%3Abpdfamily.com+tracking

If she has tried to alienate the children in the past, she's like continuing to do this. Here, she is probably imbuing a fear of abandonment into your child. I doubt there's some well-thought-out reason for this.

Times you see your girlfriend doesn't prove anything in court.

[BigOof]

From https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2016/07/:

Pathology-Marker Borderline-Style AB-PA:  The borderline-style pattern tends to emanate from an “alienating” pathogenic mother and is characterized by the mother’s exceedingly elevated anxiety and threat perception. In this variant the father was typically led into marriage by the emotionally expressive and sexually seductive charms of the mother’s borderline-style personality, and only after their marriage did the emotional instability, emotional neediness, and high-conflict/high-drama of the mother’s borderline-style personality emerge.  In some cases, this form of the AB-PA pathology will remain dormant after the divorce until the father remarries – i.e., replaces the mother as a “spouse” with a new wife – at which time the “alienation” of the children begins in earnest, often with the children expressing a theme of being rejected by their father’s time spent with his new wife.

In this borderline-style variant of the AB-PA pathology, the mother flamboyantly characterizes the father as dangerous and “abusive,” and prominently displays that the children need the mother’s “protection.”  However, when this threat perception is examined in more specificity, the father’s parenting practices are assessed to be normal-range and the children are in no objective need of “protection.”  The elevated perception of threat is emanating from the mother (from her trauma history) not from objective reality.  As a result of the mother’s (childhood trauma-related) elevated and unrealistic perception of threat, the prevalence of restraining orders and unfounded and unsubstantiated Child Protective Services abuse allegations is higher in the borderline-style AB-PA than in the narcissistic-style AB-PA.

[ForeverDad]

How have those 30 days in summer worked out these past few years?  Are they spaced out during the summer so you're not away from the kids for an entire month at one stretch?  That's a concern which comes to mind, whether it's in one chunk of time.

Seeing your GF ought to be viewed by any court as adult matters not seriously impacting parenting or custody.

I recall my lawyer telling me he had some clients bouncing the kids' custody back and forth based on the annual school ratings and the court didn't like all that back and forth taking up the court's resources.  So, from that perspective, your ex would be unlikely to wrest custody or majority time from you, unless some major issue arose.

That said, the kids not getting alternating holidays with their mother may be some leverage she might use to claim the schedule (which she initially suggested and agreed to) is a bit too lopsided.  My concern, if she pursued it, is that a court might agree, especially since the court didn't reduce her parenting, she did it on her own.

There are 5 major holidays in the USA and just as many minor ones.  Likely she already gets one (Independence Day or Labor Day?) so ponder whether it's wise to grant her one or two others, on a conditional basis.  Or would that open the door for her to push for more and more over time?  (I am a retired programmer and we called that "feature creep" where the specs would keep changing.)

In my county, during school winter break parents split the Christmas dates, one gets the first half, the other the second half and then alternate the next year.  Similarly, in March or April my schools take a week long spring break.

I know you're concerned with giving her an opening to push for more and more time.  I get it.  Hard to give you other insight since yours is a relatively rare case here of a pwBPD who seems to be more concerned with adult life than parenting life.

[alleyesonme]

As far as I know, the only way it could potentially hurt you in court is if your girlfriend has some sort of criminal record that could endanger your kids, especially if you're leaving them alone with her. Are you still in touch with your L?

[formflier]

Good suggestion to briefly mention this to your L.  Make sure the local judges don't have an unusual reaction to taking kids over to a girlfriends place.

It appears that you guys are being above board and appropriate about what is done "in front of" the kids.    If it came down to it...could you "prove" that in court?


You are probably ok here...but wise to pay attention.

Have you asked your son about this?  Don't let your minor children be shocked that their parent is policing their smartphones...internet and all that.

Best,

FF

[mart555]

If she has tried to alienate the children in the past, she's like continuing to do this. Here, she is probably imbuing a fear of abandonment into your child. I doubt there's some well-thought-out reason for this.

Yup. "See, daddy went to see his girlfriend just like I said he would instead of spending time with you". 

Make sure to talk to your son, validate his emotions, make sure he's ok with the fact that you have a GF, even if it means a minor setback with the GF for you. 

[BigOof]

It kills me how predictable a pwBPD is. But what I struggle to understand is then why do we have so much trouble with them? We can predict their behavior/emotions. Handling a hurt two-year-old (in a grownup body) should be a walk in the park.

When doing predictions I think one emotional step forward with zero consideration for the consequences/optics and I put all ethics/morals/laws aside. If that's the formula, why am I getting owned by this person?

[Sluggo]

Bigoof, 

From https://drcraigchildressblog.com/2016/07/:

Thank you very much for sending me this from Dr. Childress.  I had read his book while going through the divorce but have not picked it up recently. Thank you for finding that article in the threads to the others.  He is spot-on with my experience.

Sluggo

[Sluggo]

Forever dad,

How have those 30 days in summer worked out these past few years?  Are they spaced out during the summer so you're not away from the kids for an entire month at one stretch?  That's a concern which comes to mind, whether it's in one chunk of time.

Summers have worked out okay. Is a little difficult to get the kids back on track when they get home after the 30 days. However the court agreement is written for a 30-day chunk of time. 

Selfishly, I do enjoy that time .  It gives me a chance to take a deep breath. 

There are 5 major holidays in the USA and just as many minor ones.  Likely she already gets one (Independence Day or Labor Day?) so ponder whether it's wise to grant her one or two others, on a conditional basis.  Or would that open the door for her to push for more and more over time?  (I am a retired programmer and we called that "feature creep" where the specs would keep changing.)

I felt like that happen. As I had given the kids in mom the opportunity to see each other any time she or the kids requested if it worked out.   At the end she started to call my kids I would come pick him up from the house without me knowing and then the final straw was when she took them all and then lied about it encourage the kids to lie about it to me.   

Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom

Sluggo

[Sluggo]

Alleysonme and FF,

Yes I will touch base with the lawyer to give them an update. 

Thank you for your responses,

Sluggo

[Sluggo]

Mart555,

Yes I was able to talk with my son. He said he liked the girlfriend but just missed his mom. Believe I did a decent job of validating his emotions.

After validating, I did use the fact that we have a court order as what was between is being able to see his mom.

Thank you,

Sluggo 

[mart555]

Believe I did a decent job of validating his emotions.

Keep doing it because the BPD parent likely doesn't..  so that's a big plus for you.