I’m stuck in a loop and I think I need more support

[Graffitigirl2002]

So me and my ex have been together for a year and half. I was aware he had bpd and I did the research in hopes that I could better I understand him. At first things really feel like they were too good to be true but in the end things went really down hill  and I never made the best decisions when I was with him. One of those decisions was running away to be with him another was not going back home sooner. I got texts from my mom asking me to come home but he monitored my phone and told me not to worry about it and I listened I spent at least two almost three nights there before I decided I wanted to go back home so I told my ex I going there to grab my stuff and then I was driven back  there by a guardian. Although when I got back home I started to go through mood swings that lead to anger and confusion because my ex put it in my head that my mother was the bad guy and that she was gonna stop me from going back because she wants me to stay under her control. Thoughts about the conversation made my head feel like it was gonna explode I had a meltdown and I ended up going to lakeridge to talk to a psychiatrist.

After that I ended up telling my ex that I wanted to take a break because I felt really low and I needed to find a way ground myself. Less then 2 weeks later he hooked up with another girl and I only found out about it because he never changed his password and I guess I had a gut feeling that told me I needed to do it and now I know why.

When I was closer to starting over and moving on with someone else they took that chance away from me because they took advantage of the fact that I reached out to them and wanted to at least be friends. They ended up destroying my only chance at moving on by using emotional manipulation to convince me to end my new relationship and start over with him.

That was honestly one of the biggest regrets I’ve ever made I was happy with this person but because I opened up old scars with my ex I let the past get in the way of that happiness. I went back to him but I also felt horrible for not telling my best friend who I started a new relationship with.

So I told him and I let my ex know they suddenly got all jumpy and turned completely around. They said you know what I think we rushed into this. My ex got back with the other girl again after they said they would break up with her if I brake up with my best friend and we could start everything over together.


But that just turned into a big mess and now I’m still sitting here full of regret and shame and self hate because I know I probably deserve better but I think I need help I can block them off everything all I want but it still doesn’t seem to be helping me fight the urge to backtrack unblock them and talk to them agian then panic , have a mental breakdown and block them all over again. Everyday it’s a constant cycle and I feel like I’m still stuck in a loop I can’t escape from which has been interfering with my self care routine. My sleep is messed up , I’m constantly dehydrated because I don’t drink enough water and I ether eat too little or eat to much.

I’m just really hoping I can find the support I need on here because I feel like I need all the help I can get in order to feel like myself again and maybe even somehow find some closure.

[Calli]

Hi Graffitigirl, Welcome to the family.  I’m sorry you’ve ended up here, suffering like so many of us, but I’m glad you found us.  This is a supportive place.  As you read through the forums, you’ll find a lot of us have very similar and relatable experience. We share and learn from each other and give support and comfort so we can heal and move forward in our lives.  Your story sounds like a lot of others, the cycling especially is familiar to many here.  What do you think looks like the biggest hurdle as you begin the process of learning to heal from this experience?  Have you seen the resource forums, and particularly the one about grieving?  Many of us are in various stages of grief, it can be a little comforting to check in with it and notice aspects about your situation that have been studied before.  Again, it’s a great place and I’m so glad you reached out.  Keep sharing and I know others will share their experiences.  Wishing you peace and healing,