Help: she won’t let me go

[So many questions]

My and my uBPD-ex dated almost 2 years. We broke up 2 months ago. Our relationship is a replica of so many stories I’ve read on here. It’s made me question if I ever have symptoms of it, or just a product of her own struggles.

Our break up was awful. She had a psychotic break down and made me out to seem like an abuser. We went 2 weeks NC, then she showed up at my house randomly drunk after texting me on Thanksgiving. I luckily wasn’t there. We talked the next day and got to a good point but she said it only made things harder so she cut contact again for 3 weeks.

Another late night she calls drunk and sobbing. I tell her come over and we are intimate, she stays and the next day we talked about everything in such a positive, calm, understanding way. It was a really interesting moment.

After that we stayed in touch. Texted occasionally and it was always good. She asked me if I wanted to grab lunch. She stayed at my house for 2 days no intimacy which she set as a boundary. She was saying she loves me and wishes we could be together but we can’t Bc the way she painted me out to be. Her friends and family despise me.

We went to lunch a week after that and she stayed all day through the night.

Last weekend I saw her out and she was drunk and ended up meeting me. She has been distant for a few days and then got really angry at me for hanging out around my ex. (Just at the same bar). And then the next morning, and usually every morning after we see each other - she starts splitting and saying she can’t do this.

It’s really confusing. I love her. I am in therapy and in CODA. I told her she should do the same but she hasn’t. She also said she wasn’t going to drink this month and it didn’t last.

We got so close. Like basically back, and I’m starting to feel like I’m talking to her too much. Saying too much. Being too available. But I don’t want to pull back and her think I’m abandoning her.
I’ve been very supportive and loving without condition. Just lettin things go. But i feel sort of like a back option until something else comes along.

I would love to get couples therapy and start the process of repairing things. Has anyone had success with that? I am finally handling my career and life like I should, I was in a very bad place mentally. I just need some suppprt

[finallyout]

The title of this thread sends the message that you want to go and leave this relationship, but she won't let you. But from the content, I feel that you also don't want to go. This is the most important question you have to ask yourself. Do you really want to leave?

I was in relationship with my ex for 5 years and she showed very similar behavior to the one you are describing. Like showing up at my door drunk and asking to come back. Or being very nice and understanding after a break-up so we could get back together. From my experience, this does not last. What I noticed also is that I wanted her to come back. Even sometimes, after breaking up, I asked her to be again together, because I was terrified to be alone. I could not stand the idea of taking care of myself.

This led to us moving in together and having a child. But at the end, this kind of relationships don't work. They are broken before they even start. So finally I had to leave the relationship and to learn to take care of myself and be on my own.

[Rev]

Hi Love

I just want to echo the insight from Finallyout about a deep dive into looking at where you are.  Your post has some mixed messages in it - which is normal because there's so much push/pull in these relationships.

If you don't mind me asking - have you taken the time to take a step back from all this to see the forest from the trees?  What is it you are missing exactly. Is it her per se or how the relationship made you feel in the beginning?

Take your time with this question. My experience is that there is way more to it than meets the eye.

Hang in there.

Rev