Co-Parenting Support Please...

[EZEarache]

It's been a long time since I posted anything here. I've been dutifully not JADEing and it's been working pretty well. Our baby is in Day Care now. It basically got shoved down my throat, and I was painted as the bad guy, following some very distorted memory on her part. It's been a long story and lots of drama along the way. I've managed to minimize it, but it has still really sucked. When there isn't drama and things seem normal, I start feeling really down, like I made a bad decision by moving out. I actually have started appreciating the dysregulations because they confirm that I made the right decision by leaving.

So when we were getting set up to go into day care, we agreed that once he was settled in and adjusted we would go into a 50/50 split arrangement. Well he's settled into day care. Last night in a session with my therapist I sent a BIFF saying we should start the 50/50 split.

As can be expected all hell has broken loose since then. I've received multiple long winded emails this morning telling me what a bad parent I am.

At this point I really need to resist my urge to give it back to her and completely tell her off. Do any of the long term members of this board have any advice on how to continue to not JADE when you desperately want to Justify Defend Explain and really don't care if there is an argument?

[BigOof]

"Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."

[kells76]

we agreed that once he was settled in and adjusted we would go into a 50/50 split arrangement

This is documented, right? Email, text, letter...?

I've received multiple long winded emails this morning telling me what a bad parent I am.

Do any of them actually say "No I do not agree to do 50/50"?

Do any of the long term members of this board have any advice on how to continue to not JADE when you desperately want to Justify Defend Explain and really don't care if there is an argument?

But... you ARE a good parent, and YOU know that, so in a sense, there's nothing to defend or argue about.

Arguing with or explaining to her gives her what she want (engagement) and takes the focus away from your son and his needs.

It also legitimizes the perspective that there would be anything further to discuss about going to 50/50. There's not. It has been decided. There's nothing else to debate. 50/50 is happening and there is nothing else to explain.

She is so entrenched in her emotionally-charged distortion of you that unfortunately you are the last person who can rationally change her mind about it. No explanation from you will be effective in "getting her to change her mind".

...

If you have documentation of the agreement to go to 50/50 after daycare happens, and if nothing in her emails explicitly disagrees (I'm assuming it's all a bunch of emotionally charged mud getting thrown at you), then consider:

Moving forward "as if" she agreed. Do the pickups and dropoffs at the times that correspond to 50/50. "Let" her create a problem if she wants. Keep documenting.

No engagement with distorted emails. Sift through (or have a friend do so) and see if there's anything in there actually about your son and the schedule. Ignore everything else.

...

I wish I could tell you that the insane emails/texts stop; they don't. We -- us here on the message boards -- however, are fortunate in that we can get a LOT better at not taking the bait and not wasting our energy and time on false accusations, insinuations, and hot air. It's hard at first but what I can tell you is that when we build our skills, it does get better and the insanity isn't so triggering, and we can move forward with life with the kids.

Thoughts?

[GaGrl]

It sounds as if you have not pursued a legal child custody agreement -- is that correct?

[zondolit]

I struggle mightily with not justifying, explaining, and defending. As I've practiced not JADEing, it has gotten easier.

I don't enjoy arguing, and experience has taught me that explaining/defending inevitably leads to arguments with my uBPD spouse.

I restrain my urge to explain for the sake of my children. Mine are school-age, but your baby will be aware of family dynamics and stresses soon enough.

I try to accept the unfairness of the situation and balance this by venting to a friend, my journal, or therapist later.

[EZEarache]

This is documented, right? Email, text, letter...?

Yes absolutely. I've been trying to get her to use email, and anything that's really important, like this subject, I just don't respond via text and send an email instead. She tried to tell me how difficult email was for her, this morning and I suggested we use, "Talking Parents" app exclusively moving forward. She agreed to email after that.

Do any of them actually say "No I do not agree to do 50/50"?

Yes, one of them said I have concerns about your ability to be a good father, etc. Another said I cannot agree to a 50/50 split because of your recent behavior. I forget the exact terms she used, right now. I don't really care to re-read them again to confirm. My behavior was fine, she was trying to draw me into another argument.

But... you ARE a good parent, and YOU know that, so in a sense, there's nothing to defend or argue about.

I never really feel like I'm a good anything, even when I'm actually really good at something. My parents and a few friends have said I'm doing great.

Arguing with or explaining to her gives her what she want (engagement) and takes the focus away from your son and his needs.

It also legitimizes the perspective that there would be anything further to discuss about going to 50/50. There's not. It has been decided. There's nothing else to debate. 50/50 is happening and there is nothing else to explain.

She is so entrenched in her emotionally-charged distortion of you that unfortunately you are the last person who can rationally change her mind about it. No explanation from you will be effective in "getting her to change her mind".

Thank you for the reminder. This is correct. I've been busy with other professional skill building lately, and I haven't put as much effort into the study of BPD lately.
...

"Let" her create a problem if she wants. Keep documenting.

No engagement with distorted emails. Sift through (or have a friend do so) and see if there's anything in there actually about your son and the schedule. Ignore everything else.

OK, so this is actually pretty much what I did. My parents suggested I schedule an emergency session with my therapist. I did. We went through all of the messages, basically line by line. Identified which lines required a response and which should be ignored. It actually took two sessions because there was so much to go through. I seriously can't believe how fast she can write. Texting is even worse...

The good news, a few minutes after I send the message, I get the response, "O.K." so that's it. I go pick him up tomorrow. And starting Monday we're in our 50/50 split arrangement. I couldn't have done this so smoothly without a dedicated professionals help. I've been through a lot of therapists through the years, but this guy is probably the best I've ever had.

I wish I could tell you that the insane emails/texts stop; they don't. We -- us here on the message boards -- however, are fortunate in that we can get a LOT better at not taking the bait and not wasting our energy and time on false accusations, insinuations, and hot air. It's hard at first but what I can tell you is that when we build our skills, it does get better and the insanity isn't so triggering, and we can move forward with life with the kids.

Thoughts?

Thanks! Yes it has gotten easier, but even so it's still really difficult as I mentioned because now when she's being "normal" for long stretches, I start to forget why I had to leave. Then, I let my guard down, say something dumb, and boom we're back to square one, I'm back to this site and looking for a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for your response, it was clearly correct.

[EZEarache]

It sounds as if you have not pursued a legal child custody agreement -- is that correct?

Correct, we're trying to keep this out of courts, but I was really close to calling my attorney over this one. Seems like I might not need to, but who knows what she'll pull on Monday.

[EZEarache]

I restrain my urge to explain for the sake of my children. Mine are school-age, but your baby will be aware of family dynamics and stresses soon enough.

I try to accept the unfairness of the situation and balance this by venting to a friend, my journal, or therapist later.

The baby has picked up on our conflict since the beginning. Good advice, thank you.

[ForeverDad]

What sort of 50/50 schedule are you using?  I had wanted alternate weeks to reduce conflict at the frequent exchanges but my Custody Evaluator said more frequent exchanges were better for children under 10 years of age.  And my lawyer chimed in, "Do you really want the court or professionals to see that you're okay with the ex having longer periods of time with your child?"

So the CE recommended a 2-2-3 (or 2-2-5-5) schedule.  I let my ex have Mon-Tue overnights, I chose Wed-Thu overnights (many school assignments are due on Fridays) and we alternated the three-overnight weekends.

The wonderful aspect of using daycare (and later, school) is that you can usually have most exchanges while the child is at school or daycare.  Yes, it typically isn't free, but besides being convenient for work schedules, it reduces your contact and tensions at exchanges.

Be an involved parent at daycare and school.  Your ex will almost surely try to control the schooling.

[EZEarache]

The good news is that the past two days were my first days of my 50/50 split.

What sort of 50/50 schedule are you using? 

So the CE recommended a 2-2-3 (or 2-2-5-5) schedule.  I let my ex have Mon-Tue overnights, I chose Wed-Thu overnights (many school assignments are due on Fridays) and we alternated the three-overnight weekends.

When I first moved out and my coparent w/BPD was threatening to file for full custody I spoke with an attorney and he said the same thing about more frequent custody for younger children. We are using 2-2-5-5, I have him on Monday and Tuesdays every week. My coparent w/BPD has him on Wednesday and Thursdays. Then we switch on and off every other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This weekend he's staying with her and I'm going skiing. Works out great, but it was hard to say goodbye this morning.

The wonderful aspect of using daycare (and later, school) is that you can usually have most exchanges while the child is at school or daycare.  Yes, it typically isn't free, but besides being convenient for work schedules, it reduces your contact and tensions at exchanges.

Might not be free, but it is cheaper than having an at home babysitter which was where we were once my coparent w/BPD had to return to work after her five months of maternity leave ended. Coincidentally that was also when our most serious relationship problems started, LOL. Like the same exact week.

Be an involved parent at daycare and school.  Your ex will almost surely try to control the schooling.

Control puts it mildly. Before I left for vacation in July I was told, that "the babysitter might go back to teaching in December. Nothing was set in stone." When I got back from vacation in early August I was told, "As you know the babysitter will be returning to teaching in September and I booked us daycare starting in November."

The delay was the daycare center she chose didn't want to have an infant for two months and then immediately have to start transitioning to toddler care once the baby was 15 months. I was caught off guard, and said I didn't know this. She took that to mean I was fighting with her about it. I actually have recordings of her screaming at me where I try to say one sentence confirming the baby is starting daycare and she just would go ballistic. In her head, I was arguing with her, I was just trying to understand the situation and state that this was news to me. She was using the typical BPD blame shifting and projection.

So I was effectively given no choice in the daycare center or it's location. My commute is now 50 minutes longer on days I have custody because I have a thirty minute drive to day care and another thirty minute drive to work from day care.

In my opinion, though, the extra hour of driving is a small price to pay not to have to interact with the coparent w/BPD in person. They shut daycare down for a week because of a Covid outbreak last week. I had to go over to the coparent w/BPD's house to pick up the baby. I got completely screamed at for not wearing a mask at a concert I was performing in. That was my abysmal behavior on my part that triggered this entire thread.

On Sunday, I hit a deer and messed up my car. As a result, Coparent w/BPD brought the baby to my place. She's talking to me in front of my house saying, "In light of your transportation situation, I'd like to call a temporary truce. If you need any help like driving to the mechanic, let me know."

RU4 Real? Predictably unpredictable. I've been trying to call a PERMANENT cease fire since I moved out in March of 2021.

But, yeah, now he's in day care, and assuming it doesn't shut down for Covid, I will interact with her a whole lot less now.

[NotAHero]

It's been a long time since I posted anything here. I've been dutifully not JADEing and it's been working pretty well. Our baby is in Day Care now. It basically got shoved down my throat, and I was painted as the bad guy, following some very distorted memory on her part. It's been a long story and lots of drama along the way. I've managed to minimize it, but it has still really sucked. When there isn't drama and things seem normal, I start feeling really down, like I made a bad decision by moving out. I actually have started appreciating the dysregulations because they confirm that I made the right decision by leaving.

So when we were getting set up to go into day care, we agreed that once he was settled in and adjusted we would go into a 50/50 split arrangement. Well he's settled into day care. Last night in a session with my therapist I sent a BIFF saying we should start the 50/50 split.

As can be expected all hell has broken loose since then. I've received multiple long winded emails this morning telling me what a bad parent I am.

At this point I really need to resist my urge to give it back to her and completely tell her off. Do any of the long term members of this board have any advice on how to continue to not JADE when you desperately want to Justify Defend Explain and really don't care if there is an argument?

 I just went through this. What I did though, thanks to my experience with someone with a much worse disorder before, was slowly break up while working the details of the parenting plan. Now I have a 50/50 parenting plan and the parenting is going as well as it can be with a BPD partner.

 At minimum consult with lawyers, know all your options. Don’t JADE but keep pushing slowly for her to mediate or sign a parenting plan + cs order. If you must fight then you will have to go to court but try your best to avoid it.