Cell phone

[T0M]

Hello all,

I'm new here. So many things I want to share.

But the thing I struggle the most with is that I developed a phobia around my cellphone. We had so many fights about it. According to her, I was always hiding it, she says that even the way I'm holding my phone is suspicious, that I'm making sure she could not read it. She also blames me that I never show anything on my phone, I'm always online (she checks even in the middle of the night)... Anywho, you get my drift.

Now I'm at a point that I shared my code with her so she can check. (we are not living together, I know her for a year now). But I realize now that I  really try to avoid using my phone around her. And if she walks in, or if I hear her arriving, I come close to a panic attack throwing my phone away.

And now she is mad because I never use my phone anymore. And also that is suspicious...

Any advise?

Ps. I'm a non-native English speaker.

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[15years]

Welcome to the forum,

I just wanted to say I relate to this so much, even if I don't have this exact problem, just knowing it could develop makes me nervous. Additionally I really do sneak around with my phone, for example reading this forum.

Also speaking of cell phones, I get nervous when I'm not with her if my phone alerts me of something, thinking that it could be her texting me being angry or having a problem I have to solve.

Do you feel guilt, I mean have you betrayed her in any way that makes you feel like you have to be careful what you say? Or does she feel like you have betrayed her with something that has something to do with your phone. Just curious because for me there's always that fear that if I set boundaries she will hold something from our history against me.

I'm also a non-native English speaker.

[T0M]

15 years, indeed, I also get nervous when my phone rings or bleeps, when I'm alone.
It might be indeed my gf asking strange questions.
It has reached a point now that I sometimes send around 10pm a good night, so she thinks that I'm going to bed, but at least I get a few hours of peace and quiet. I do have to make sure not to tough  my phone after that, because she than sees I was online after I told her i was going to bed.

To answer your question, no I have not done anything that rationalizes her fear. But when we started dating, I told her (did not have a clue what BPD was and that she has it) about my past love live, as people do when they feel save enough with each other. Apparently she remembered everything (all the names) and started a thorough investigation in social media land. I mean going all Sherlock Holmes on Facebook, LinkedIn, checking friends of friends... She found out that I was still friends with an ex on facebook, and that I still had pictures of us on my FB.

I thought nothing wrong of it, I had nothing to hide, and that ex and myself separated as friends. But up to today (1 year later) she still thinks I'm texting her, or other girls I'm friends with. I think we have a fight over it two times a week. I'm not posting anything on FB anymore because I'm scared that some of my friends reacts with a hart, and according to my GF, every girl that reacts to one of my posts with a hart, is wanting more.

Out of pure misery, I shared the code of my phone, but she now says that I am somebody who deletes messages so she can not found out.

So I guess there is no winning this?
Ps. While typing this, I start realizing the absolute craziness of this situation.

[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome For people with BPD, their feelings are reality in their mind. If she thinks or worries you're texting an ex, it's true in her mind. It sounds like both using your phone and not using your phone around her will bother her. You can change how you act to make the relationship patterns healthier. Like you say, phones are a normal part of modern society and just because you're using it doesn't mean you're texting an ex. This article, Arguing - Don't Engage, may be helpful.

If she accuses you of texting an ex when you're on your phone, say you're not and ask her politely to stop asking. If she continues, say you need an hour of alone time and simply leave the room. When I do this, I keep my calm, don't say anything I'll regret, and have an hour to enjoy to myself and relax: listen to music, watch TV, go on a walk. Giving an exact time seems to help the other person and builds their trust when you return after the said time. Maybe that could help.

[Seeleygirl]

But when we started dating, I told her (did not have a clue what BPD was and that she has it) about my past love live, as people do when they feel save enough with each other. Apparently she remembered everything (all the names) and started a thorough investigation in social media land.

Hi. This is my pwBPD exactly. When we first started dating I did the exact same thing as you - talking about previous relationships etc in what you think is a healthy way, and then next thing you know he was throwing them all back in my face. Even ones that were absolutely nothing. I could try to tell him until I was blue in the face that I had no contact with any of them in years but he wouldn’t believe me (he is extremely insecure about comparing himself to other men). When I offered for him to look through my phone he’d refuse and say “no it doesn’t matter you can delete messages”. He is still doing it more than 2 years later although not as severely because as it turned out, all the posturing about me being promiscuous (I hadn’t had a relationship with anyone in around 8yrs before I started dating him but that didn’t seem to matter), was pure projection. I suspect he feels guilty for the amount of girls he’s been with and it makes him feel better if he thinks I’m no better than he is. It turns out it was him that was doing all the messaging with other women. When an ex of his sent me a bunch of msgs he was sending out he barely even apologized (and most of them were sexual in nature). Don’t get me wrong, he had a complete meltdown but seemed more upset over the fact that someone had busted him on it than anything else. Anyway, I just wanted to warn you that it could be she is just extremely insecure and worried that she will lose your love, and it could also be that she is projecting on you something that is her own behaviour (or at least how she previously acted in other relationships). This is a really common thing with BPD I think (well at least it is with my bf).
If it helps, whenever I use my phone now and I notice he’s looking at me, I’ll show him the phone and add it into the conversation (“I’m just responding to someone’s comment on the FB post” or whatever). It seems to be working OK