Are you resentful?

[gypsyJedi]

It’s been a long 6 months. Husband had been labeled as
BPD. And I have learned a lot. I would get so incredibly frustrated when trying to get him to see something in another way. Or view a situation from someone else’s point of view. Now I know that is just not in his DNA. He’s actually come out and said “I hear what you’re saying but I’m still going to do it my way”. I know I can’t expect anything different, and I try to just carry on, but I feel so unvalued. I’ve also dealt with depression on and off and now I realize it’s coming from him. I’ve grown, changed, and evolved into a better person since my 20s, but I feel he stuck way behind me

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

“Are you resentful?” A few years ago, I would have said, “Hell yes!” Nowadays, “Nope.”

What changed? Two things. One, realizing that my husband is basically a very decent guy who is kind and wants to be a good person. Two, the resent was something that I was carrying from my upbringing with a BPD mom and from years of my previous dysfunctional marriage with an abusive BPD husband. 

Also what changed was working on me. I realized how codependent I was and how much I needed validation from my partner, something that he is unfortunately often oblivious about.

When I learned to self soothe and be more emotionally independent, it occurred to me that the deficiencies he has are related to a very abusive and abrasive narcissistic father. While my mother was definitely difficult at times, I knew she loved me, something he didn’t get from his dad. Realizing this has helped me have compassion for the deficits he manifests from time to time. I see no malice in his intent, so that’s another saving grace.

Certainly I have my own deficits and he fully accepts me as I am, so that is also something to appreciate.

[gypsyJedi]

Thanks for the reply Cat. I do not think I’m co-dependent. He’s always telling me I’m smart and pretty and creative etc.  he just doesn’t value my opinions. I hate the holidays he loves them.  He would shop and decorate and wrap til mid night on Christmas Eve.  In fact here it is, the 31st and he’s still dragging decorations out. Back before Thanksgiving I told him how much I hate it, but I do the holiday BS because he loves it so much. So can we agree on what we’re going to do and finish things up by the 21st so we can visit with family and friends and actually enjoy the holidays. He rolled his eyes at me and called me a grinch. He doesn’t value me enough to compromise and enjoy the holidays.
   I retired 5 years ago but I’ve gotten over that loss of identity. I had a pretty serious injury while participating in a sport I’ve been in volved with since I was 4 and it made me feel special. Now that’s gone.  Since a big fall out with our sons and their families last summer, I don’t know where I fit in with them. Things are better now and one visited on Christmas Eve, but I really think it’s just bcause he felt obligated. I really tried to be the cool grandma, the grandkids are getting older and grandparents aren’t a big thing anymore. I don’t know who I am or why I’m here since I have such little value

[Cat Familiar]

So he’s not good at compromising and he doesn’t take your opinions into account when he makes his decisions. That seems like more narcissism than BPD, but both of those personality disorders can share a lot of commonality.

What concerns me is that you feel unvalued. Certainly it’s nice when our partners can validate and support us, but often that’s a missing puzzle piece when they have a personality disorder. But what about you feeling value just because you are worth it?

You no longer have the identity you had in your career and your sport that you loved from a very young age is no longer something that you can do? Is there a way to coach others or participate in it from another angle? Certainly you’ve got a lot of knowledge you could share.

It sounds as if you’ve missed seeing your sons and their children. How could you become more participatory in their lives? I seem to remember the conflict centered more upon your husband than with you.

“I don’t know who I am or why I’m here since I have such little value.” This sentence seems to be at the heart of your distress. Perhaps this is a time to look for how you can value yourself.

[fisher101]

To answer the question bluntly.

"Yes!"

I'm both resentful and angry. How could I not be?

I get the whole "blame the disease not the person thing" but I also believe adults are accountable for their actions and behavior even when the can't control them.