Basic emotional settings

[T0M]

Hello all!

Somethings got me thinking.
Me and my GF with BPD are not living together. We both have kids from a previous marriage, so when we have our kids, we don not live together.

So after a week (5 days) of being separated, I always look forward to see her again. However, every Friday it is the same routine. She is very distant. She barely says something. She looks totally disrupted. We watch some TV. And after a while she says she is going to bed and that I do not need to join her if I do not want to. Of course I do want to and I join her. But in bed, she keeps her pajamas on (normally she doesn't do that) she turns her back at me, crawls in a fetus like position and puts out the light. If i touch her she shocks, as if I scared her, and tells me that she is not doing well.

We talked about this, but I never got an answer. The only thing she says is that she is not doing that on purpose. And if I think she is doing it on purpose, that than says a lot about me...

So I think that people being non-BPD, have a basic emotional setting that tells us things are ok, even if you did not see each other every day. Peoples basic emotional setting with BPD is that something is wrong. Because they  probably made up a 100 scenarios of what happened during the week that you did not see each other. The moment you leave them, they feel as if they do not exist anymore.

I tell her that I also miss her, but that doesn't stop me from having a good time with my kids and friends. She sees that as some kind of betrayal, or evidence that she is just a nice asset to me and nothing more. That i do not need her, because I'm also happy in the weeks that we are not together.

Other people on this forum who are spending only every other week with each other and experience something similar? 

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[Jabiru]

Hi T0M You're right, people with BPD often have a fear of abandonment. Sometimes when I go on a solo trip for a few days, my wife has thoughts similar to what you described.

How long do your conversations with her last? Take a look here and let us know what you think.

[T0M]

Hi T0M You're right, people with BPD often have a fear of abandonment. Sometimes when I go on a solo trip for a few days, my wife has thoughts similar to what you described.

How long do your conversations with her last? Take a look here and let us know what you think.

Interesting reading on the 'JADE' topic.
But when she is accusing me of things that are not true, the feeling of injustice becomes so big in me, that I just can not tolerate that she can get away with it. Somethings are just plain mean to say. Everything else but confronting her with it, seems like I would say that she is right.

[Jabiru]

Yes, people with BPD can say some surprisingly mean things. Their emotions can be like a roller coaster. If she has BPD, she likely has cognitive distortions that make her judgments inaccurate so I wouldn't dwell on her accusations too much (though there may be a bit of useful info to glean from them).

You could say simply that you disagree and want to stop talking about it. That's a limit that you can set to protect your emotions and the relationship. If she doesn't accept, say you need an hour (or some other time amount) to be alone and calm down, then simply exit the room. It's important to follow through because it sets the precedent of what she can expect in the future. These techniques and many others can be found in the book, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. Do you think that's something you could try? Let us know how it works.