Are my boundaries unreasonable, or do I just have to stand firm?

[Sid_7]

Hi - first time posting,
Brief background; My wife has BPD - I believe, as undiagnosed - and How To Stop Walking on Eggshells has helped me massively with some tools.

Now, my wife has chronic fatigue, so when she is triggered it affects her body so much. I feel so guilty for setting boundaries, knowing that she's going through hell emotionally (she tells me) and that it affects her health.

My boundary - I have a 'buddy call'; a short call (often just 10 minutes) every day with another man as part of my men's group. For me it's a healthy accountability check on whether I've done my habits (meditation, exercise etc) and anything else that's going on. Likewise, I support the other man and every week we change to a new buddy.

My wife is triggered by 'men's work' in general. Admittedly, there are things we can be doing better as an organisation, and I got Covid at an event I went to last year after promising to be careful (learned the lesson not to promise just to avoid conflict) but - and I can see myself going into defensive mode here - I'm not a mysoginist, as a group we're not ignorant and all the other things I have been accused of (or subtly accused of by being associated with this type of work). I also feel very self-aware, I trust my judgement and feel I'm part of something positive in the world.

She feels that having these short calls during 'our time' - which means at the weekend- is bringing in something triggering into our lives and I shouldn't do it. I've agreed that one day at the weekend it'll just be us - no call - but that's not enough. She tells me I'm 'prioritising' something that causes her pain above our marriage. To me, it's a 10-minute call that allows me to be more present with myself IN our marriage. It's an important tool and community that sustains me. She also has told me she doesn't want me to go to the same event I went to last year, even though it's become an annual gathering of friends/brotherhood.

When she's at her emotional end it's also a physical one; she says she's choking, drowning and her sleep and body is affected. I wonder, am I torturing her unnecessarily? Do I have the right balance of taking care of me and considering her?

This is longer than I thought, but basically; I feel I should stand my ground, understand and communicate her difficulty and respect her wish if she can't be around me for the day if I choose to make one of those calls. Or am I being stubborn. I'm new to this boundary setting! Feedback on any resonance you have or suggestions are welcome.
Thank you (forgive the newbie longish post).

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[Dancingbear]

If it was a 4 hour round of golf every weekend while she was struggling then maybe she'd have a point. But a 10 min call for something that actively helps your well-being? You absolutely have a right to do that. Each person in a relationship has a responsibility to take care of their physical and emotional well-being. It's extra important if there are additional stresses within your relationship!

I'd say you should stand your ground and not give up something that means a lot to you.

I think it's vitally important to not give up things that you enjoy especially things that allow you to have friendship and support from others.

[Notwendy]

Boundaries reflect our personal values, what is important to us. As long as it's ethical and within the marital vows you made, you can uphold your own boundaries. I'd even consider that round of golf if it was important to you. What if someone has been playing golf as a hobby-do they have to give that up to please their spouse? Now of course spending a lot of time away from the family can create issues, but even so, one should not have to give up activities that hold important meaning to them. What if you were a musician and had a performance on the weekend? That goes for your wife too- she should be able to have a call with a female friend, be part of a women's group if she chooses. One could imagine a couple working these things out. One weekend might be one spouse's turn, the next the other's- depending on what they agree to.

So it's not if we think the phone call is reasonable, or if your wife does. It's how much it matters to you, as you will need to believe that to uphold that boundary.

You might also consider if this is a pattern. Has it been that the one thing you do is the one thing she focuses on, and then you give it up and then it's another one? Do you believe that giving up a 10 minute phone call will be the resolution to the issues? Do you believe this is the real cause of them or that it's what she's focused on for now?

If she states her boundary- that she can't be around you on the day you have that call- well that's her choice. Yes, you need to respect that if she chooses to do that. Then, you can do something else that day. My guess though is that it may also be a threat. But to be clear- not doing something you want to do ( the phone call) in order to keep her from avoiding you for a day is you taking action to control what she does. This is similar to what she's doing with you- trying to do something ( avoid you for the day) to control something you do ( the phone call).

Your boundary may not be without consequences or a reaction on her part. You can't control her behavior, only yours. You aren't deliberately trying to cause her discomfort, but you also exist in the relationship and so can decide what activities are important enough to stand your ground for.

[Cat Familiar]

Great advice from Notwendy 

[Sid_7]

I can't tell you what it means to hear these responses, just to know someone else 'gets it' and can validate my feelings.

Thank you Dancing Bear and Not Wendy - the line "Boundaries reflect our personal values, what is important to us. As long as it's ethical and within the marital vows you made, you can uphold your own boundaries." is something I'll take into this week as my partner returns from a trip and we sit down for some conversations.

Much gratitude to you, and the community.

[waverider]

Your boundaries are there to protect your own well being, they are not determined by someone else as to what suits them best.

Her issue is this is out of her control, and hence is perceived as a threat. as will any boundary you set.  If she was perfect happy with a 'boundary" then by definition you dont need one.

Boundaries are not a negotiated set of rules, they are essential lines of self preservation.

It is important that we are judicious wit our use of boundaries and are not purely dressing up means of control as boundaries, which is clearly not the case in this instance.

The fact that you are unsure as to whether it is ok to interact with other people shows just how far from normal you have been nudged. It sounds like application of boundaries is long overdue, even if they cause conflict

[hands down]

My thoughts are….   In a given weekend. Are you two
Spending the entirety of 100% of every waking minute together?

My concern if you can’t find 10 mins away from a spouse is that… your relationship has a very high odds of enmeshment.

Even in the most romantic of vacations or quality time weekends, I can’t remember not also having individual time throughout each day. Even if a walk or reading a book.

[Notwendy]

Waverider's advice is sound and sage-

The fact that you are unsure as to whether it is ok to interact with other people shows just how far from normal you have been nudged. It sounds like application of boundaries is long overdue, even if they cause conflict

[Sid_7]

Update and response:
Good question by hands down and no, we don't spend all our time together at the weekend - it's the fact that I'm 'bringing in'  this issue which she admits is triggering for her. However, I've realised I don't really plan ahead and create time for myself at the weekend...which is about to change.

Next week I start a full-time job, having been freelance for a long time. I  had a great chat with my wife and we've established we'll have a complete day off together (which I want and think is healthy) and on a Sunday I go to my local zen meditaton centre for a session and I'll arrange my call on my way to/from that.

This feels healthy and a big step, especially as she's admitted she may not always feel this way, and she's going to see a therapist next week; BPD has never been mentioned by either of us, but I see subtle signs that she admits something isn't right, but she's too proud to admit it.

A big thing for me is, I don't want this important aspect of my life and my self care to be hidden away because she doesn't like it; as if I'm going behind her back by having this call. However, it seems like she's on a path to getting help and this feels like a step in the right direction. Just need to make sure I stay vigilant as expecting a counter move soon!

Happy for any further reflections/challenges.

[Notwendy]

While I understand not wanting to hide this important part of your life, is it necessary to have her know about every phone call?

I think you know the difference between privacy and dishonesty. Hiding an affair, or a large sum of money- something like that is breaking marital trust but you two are still separate people, and one has to also wonder about enmeshment if she needs to know about every 10 minute phone call. You could say, yes, it's important to me to be in this group and speak to my buddy X days a week, but to feel you need permission to do that- is this being transparent or being enmeshed?