DogMom2019
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 61
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« on: January 26, 2022, 07:15:04 PM » |
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Greeting everyone...
I have been reading this forum since 2019, off and on, and then a deep dive since October 21. My story reads like so many of you. My background is in mental health so imagine my surprise when I finally put the 2 pieces together that my spouse could possibly have several BPD traits.
A little back story: My spouse is about 7 years older and has been in the military for 22+ years. With each assignment, another relationship was picked up and moved until they eventually split (according to my spouse they were all evil and did nothing but hurt her). Well, I fell for the lovebombing and idealization, but something never sat right with me, so I started journaling my spouses actions from the very beginning. It started off as little things: dates being wrong, her crying and telling me that I was different, asking that we move in together after only dating 3 months, her telling me that she loved me after 1 month, at one point I called her a chameleon because she would change depending on who she was around. I later found out that she has all types of FOO issues that she carries around and being the LGBT in her very Hispanic family, the shame is sometimes too much for her. Anyway, fast forward we have been married for almost 5 years & together for 7 (depending on what time of day it is, she'll give you any answer in between). In Aug 21, we had to physically separate (her idea) due to the current military base not being large enough to meet my medical needs. We parted ways, on a VERY bad note, she threatened me with taking my car and our pups, threaten to take away money, pretty much anything she figured would get me to stay (I guess back when she came up with the idea of us living apart for 9 months for her school... It didn't get real until I actually had to leave). Right before I jumped on the plane, she had calmed down (it took work... a picnic, back rubs, dinner, just too much in hindsight) and apologized saying that when she gets stressed she runs. As the months have progressed she has become extremely dysregulated. She has called at least once a month saying that this relationship was over. I would get yelled at because I didn't answer the phone fast enough or I would be running 2 mins too long in the shower and set back our virtual date, I even flew out to where she was so that she could see me and know that I was there, standing up for our marriage. In Nov, it had finally gotten too much for me and I started to feel drained as if nothing I did would be enough, that's when I went back to my journals to start reading.
I realized that every year since we first started dating, from Sept-Jan. she has these extreme "divorce/breakup" cycles. It starts in Sept and then it is constant (weekly) until about Jan and then talks of divorce all but disappears. The difference is, this time I am not there to help talk her "off the divorce ledge." She has stated to me that every time she wants a divorce she allows me to talk her back into staying with the marriage only "to be kicked in the balls because nothing ever changes." She even told me that "something switch off for me with this relationship" and that "when I look at our pictures all I see is 2 friends." So each time she has done this over the last 5 months... I have begged, pleaded, yelled, screamed, wrote emails, texts, tried everything I could to get her to see that I wasn't all bad and our marriage wasn't all bad. She deleted her Facebook and started a new one, she has new clothes, new toys (motorcycle, computers, workout equipment... Recklessly spending money), and a new cell phone... I can see her changing right in front of me. When I initially left I did so much work to keep us in contact while she consistently told me that I wasn't doing enough. When I finally got a job in my career field that was portable (a win for a military spouse) she called me the next day after sharing my news with her that things weren't working out and we need to "stop kidding ourselves and move on from this marriage." Since she has "done so much work" on herself, she realized that "I felt worthless in our marriage and I am putting myself before this marriage, I just can't go back." And then she asked me if I would ever come back "home" to her? I told her often that I was coming back as soon as I get a job. Even told her once I got the job that in a month, I'll be back, but she couldn't handle that. She likes who she has become by herself. I had gotten so frustrated that I told her about the BPD traits that I saw in the beginning of our relationship, what both the pre-martial counselor saw (told me to read SWOE) and our most recent couples counselor saw how she was going to create the situation where we divorced (told me to read IHYDLM), and how 2 different counselors of mine said I needed to prepare myself because of the description of abuse that I tolerated. I know, I know, I know... I shouldn't have but I am human and I had been just tired of it all.
Am I crazy? Or is this how BPD works?
Now, we are in January and I have a good job that I must keep in order for me to be financially independent because I only need to be threaten with money instability one time and I learn my lesson. I took one week were I didn't respond to any of her communications, I have not seen her been this involved and this engaged since the last time I shut down from all the threats (2 years ago). She has called SEVERAL times a day, leaving voice messages, texting me, emailing me... All the things that I did to get her to not give up on us for the last 5 months. I feel like I've been slapped in the face, the entire time we've been separated (just physically) I've been the one reaching out and begging but the moment she doesn't have access or control over when I call and how much I give, she participates in the relationship. She is capable of reciprocating and being present in a long distance marriage.
I think to myself it would be nice to be in an equally healthy marriage, at tis point, I would settle for semi-healthy. She is adamant about the divorce, but it goes against my values, so I have stopped bringing it up. She wants to talk about attorney stuff and splitting things and I just don't know what to do. At the same time, I get a sense of relief when I think about not having to prepare myself in the fall to convince someone I'm worth fighting for and being with, only to have to repeat the cycle next year. I am also glad that we never had kids together but this is something that we both want... The problem is, after enduring this as an adult, I would selfish and irresponsible to bring a child into the world of a BPD mom.
I don't really have a question, I guess. If anything, how do you resolve the feelings of not wanting to leave but wanting a better relationship? Also, how do I know if she really wants a divorce this time or if she's punishing me because I am not there with her (her form of control), how do I weather this storm? There's such a heavy weight on my chest when I think about my marriage, I'm pretty sure marriages are not supposed to be like this, at least that's what I am told.
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