A new end

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone and thank you for the time you dedicate to me.
I am Italian, and I am 46 years old, last summer I experienced the third relationship with my borderline. She is 16 years older than me and our first relationship dates back to 2005, two and a half years together, then just a couple of months in 2012 and about six months in 2021, even though the real relationship was 4.5.
The first time I just thought she was just capricious and very spoiled, I was only 29 at the beginning and didn't know in the least what BPD was, the second was too short, but in 2021 I understood everything. It was difficult to reconstruct the diagnosis, but the red flags were many.
Thinking of hanging herself, nymphomania, she went from euphoria to depression or anger in a very short time, severe ailments in the presence of abandonment, always short relationships in which she leaves first. I finally got it.
Our third time together seemed even more intense, almost nine years without seeing or hearing each other, but it all started again at the speed of light. Sex even better than before, the transport, she who declared herself in love (I've never loved like this, sex has never been like this ... but who believes it ?), I really believed it was the right time ... and instead in October the slow detachment mechanism begins ... an incoherent message "I love you madly, my heart is in pieces, I constantly have morbid thoughts about you, but we have to close, I want to close, it's over"  Then she disappears for one day.
I recognize very well the mechanisms of many years ago, she who becomes avoidant, does not answer the phone, or messages very late ... and I already think of giving up because it will only be a matter of time ... I recognize those mechanisms very well , I didn't know about the BPD yet, but I had memory of 2005-2007.
Another three-day disappearance for halloween, also when I had the coronavirus, then the last joke, shameless and humiliating.
One evening we say goodnight by text ... at four I get a Whatsapp with a receipt for the collection of a package left by a courier. I had some things at her house, she had left me everything at the courier, there were the bags of the motorbike, some wine, underwear and a perfume that we had taken especially for us, the toothbrush, some erotic toys, the empty cans of the homemade jam by me! I was really shocked when I realized all of this. What a humiliation ... and all this without saying anything the evening befor or even having a fight. She just said to me "I'd rather give these things back". When I asked her why she didn't give them to me in person she replied that she was busy in those days. I waited two days for her to call me back (because of course I had phoned her but she didn't answer), to explain to me or something else ... I make the mistake of looking at instagram ... she has posted things for twelve years (she is 62 years old) like "I'm not beautiful, I'm erotic", "bad girls" "no regrets".
In hindsight I realized that maybe she wanted attention and that I ran after her a bit, but I felt too humiliated by her gesture and without saying anything I blocked her on Whatsapp and Instagram. Twenty minutes after blocking her she sends me an email in which there was written: "YOU FALSE LIAR" .
I never replied to that email. I went of total no contact right away, I didn't want to suffer again, someone had to close a door in her face.
I studied BPD a lot, but I still don't have much logic in it, I can't understand how to say to a person, literally "I would accept betrayal just to be with you", "I love you so much, I can't live without of you "and then become so cruel and coldly inhuman. Detached without mercy or empathy.
It was the third time, I've already done my part, now it's been 7 weeks since no contact and I'm not too bad. I realized this relationship would only hurt me.
The problem is only the memories that occasionally surface, having been together three times in 17 years for sure there is attraction between us (but I presume she also has it towards the immeasurable number of former lovers she had). I can't get out of my head the trip to the USA, beautiful, with her, we visited the Harley Davidson factory, of which I'm a great fan, or this summer's vacation in the Alps, always on a motorbike. Unfortunately, I have not experienced those feelings with other women, but in the phase of fear of abandonment she felt discomfort even when I went to pick up my 4-year-old son from kindergarten ... can you live like this?
Thanks for your patience to read me, this forum is very interesting, a special thanks to those who take care of it.

[FLHTK]

Hello everyone and thank you for the time you dedicate to me.
I am Italian, and I am 46 years old, last summer I experienced the third relationship with my borderline. She is 16 years older than me and our first relationship dates back to 2005, two and a half years together, then just a couple of months in 2012 and about six months in 2021, even though the real relationship was 4.5.
The first time I just thought she was just capricious and very spoiled, I was only 29 at the beginning and didn't know in the least what BPD was, the second was too short, but in 2021 I understood everything. It was difficult to reconstruct the diagnosis, but the red flags were many.
Thinking of hanging herself, nymphomania, she went from euphoria to depression or anger in a very short time, severe ailments in the presence of abandonment, always short relationships in which she leaves first. I finally got it.
Our third time together seemed even more intense, almost nine years without seeing or hearing each other, but it all started again at the speed of light. Sex even better than before, the transport, she who declared herself in love (I've never loved like this, sex has never been like this ... but who believes it ?), I really believed it was the right time ... and instead in October the slow detachment mechanism begins ... an incoherent message "I love you madly, my heart is in pieces, I constantly have morbid thoughts about you, but we have to close, I want to close, it's over"  Then she disappears for one day.
I recognize very well the mechanisms of many years ago, she who becomes avoidant, does not answer the phone, or messages very late ... and I already think of giving up because it will only be a matter of time ... I recognize those mechanisms very well , I didn't know about the BPD yet, but I had memory of 2005-2007.
Another three-day disappearance for halloween, also when I had the coronavirus, then the last joke, shameless and humiliating.
One evening we say goodnight by text ... at four I get a Whatsapp with a receipt for the collection of a package left by a courier. I had some things at her house, she had left me everything at the courier, there were the bags of the motorbike, some wine, underwear and a perfume that we had taken especially for us, the toothbrush, some erotic toys, the empty cans of the homemade jam by me! I was really shocked when I realized all of this. What a humiliation ... and all this without saying anything the evening befor or even having a fight. She just said to me "I'd rather give these things back". When I asked her why she didn't give them to me in person she replied that she was busy in those days. I waited two days for her to call me back (because of course I had phoned her but she didn't answer), to explain to me or something else ... I make the mistake of looking at instagram ... she has posted things for twelve years (she is 62 years old) like "I'm not beautiful, I'm erotic", "bad girls" "no regrets".
In hindsight I realized that maybe she wanted attention and that I ran after her a bit, but I felt too humiliated by her gesture and without saying anything I blocked her on Whatsapp and Instagram. Twenty minutes after blocking her she sends me an email in which there was written: "YOU FALSE LIAR" .
I never replied to that email. I went of total no contact right away, I didn't want to suffer again, someone had to close a door in her face.
I studied BPD a lot, but I still don't have much logic in it, I can't understand how to say to a person, literally "I would accept betrayal just to be with you", "I love you so much, I can't live without of you "and then become so cruel and coldly inhuman. Detached without mercy or empathy.
It was the third time, I've already done my part, now it's been 7 weeks since no contact and I'm not too bad. I realized this relationship would only hurt me.
The problem is only the memories that occasionally surface, having been together three times in 17 years for sure there is attraction between us (but I presume she also has it towards the immeasurable number of former lovers she had). I can't get out of my head the trip to the USA, beautiful, with her, we visited the Harley Davidson factory, of which I'm a great fan, or this summer's vacation in the Alps, always on a motorbike. Unfortunately, I have not experienced those feelings with other women, but in the phase of fear of abandonment she felt discomfort even when I went to pick up my 4-year-old son from kindergarten ... can you live like this?
Thanks for your patience to read me, this forum is very interesting, a special thanks to those who take care of it.

[Ellala]

FLHTK Glad to hear you are finding your way with clarity. What a journey.
There is no logic in this… You made the right call to close the door and stop the suffering.  I hope you're doing ok and finding peace with it all.

[FLHTK]

Thank you Elalla, your words are welcome

[FLHTK]

She wrote me 4 emails yesterday. All the same, coming from her two e-mail addresses and directed to my two e-mail addresses (apparently she wanted to be sure I received them, since I blocked her on whatsapp and instagram). They said "MAKE HER STOP, SHE WRITES ME, MY PATIENCE MAY HAVE A LIMIT". All uppercase, like the email "YOU FALSE LIAR". What's the point of her? Who writes, my ex-wife? But how would She know who she is, to have her contacts and above all why? And then what does she write her? It does not make sense. I think it's just a hook to see if I bite.

[Biggus]

"You'll just go crazy if you try to make sense out of craziness". I don't remember where the quote is from but it's pretty accurate. It's great you understand that this relationship would only hurt you.

Why do you think you haven't experienced great feelings with other women?

[FLHTK]

because if I look back I don't see other women who have involved me so much, there has been so much joy, besides porn movie sex.
New email: "I KNOW THAT FOR YOU IT HAS NO VALUE, BUT I'M ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING IMPORTANT FOR ME AND I WANTED TO TELL YOU, IF AS YOU SAID IT IS NO LONGER POSSIBLE TO DO IT, THAT YOU WERE, YOU ARE, YOU WILL BE MY ONLY IMMENSE LOVE.
 I DON'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE READ PREVIOUS MAILS, BUT I SOLVED WITHOUT DAMAGE. "
I made the mistake of answering her, telling her that after all that had happened I think it would have been like mature and civilized people to talk to each other ... do you know that she answered me? just "no".
That is, after telling me that I am her immense love ... this is not bpd, she is really crazy.