Boundaries... I've never gotten a clear answer, and now it's more complex.

[NotMyUsername]

My wife was diagnosed with bipolar. I don't have any of the details because it was brought up a couple years ago in a solo therapy session. The therapist only discussed the implications of that since my wife came home and told me "the therapist agrees I have bipolar". My wife then almost immediately took it bad and said it never happened. When discussion of borderline came up, which it did multiple times through different times with different therapists, she quit therapy saying "she rather be diagnosed with bipolar than borderline".

To the question. I've asked the therapists, support group, online, I've never gotten a clear way to set boundaries with an adult. Making it more "complex" is after years of being told to read Stop Walking On Eggshells, and listening to the audiobook briefly before stopping to prioritize myself, I started listening the other day. I wasn't in a good headspace, and I'm still not, I'm tired, and listening to the audiobook and the examples of communication sound exhausting! I don't know if I can do that, and after years of being with my wife and the last 2-3 years, I don't know if I want to.

Advice given in the book was to not let the PwBPD bait you into an emotional reaction, or showing that they have. It also says to set strong boundaries. My wife, baits me BY crossing boundaries. She either believes I constantly go through her social media, or just claims I do as bait. She will do things and leave them for me to find, and when I don't she'll make a point somehow that I should check it. Then of course they'll be the bait, her talking to guys, then the gaslighting starts. She didn't, she banned them, she's not talking to people.

I'm so very tired, and just want to know how this should be handled until I can really wrap my head around what I need to do.

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[Cat Familiar]

What boundaries of yours is she crossing?

[NotMyUsername]

 

What boundaries of yours is she crossing?

Talking to guys met online, and sending explicit photos and videos. That's her regular thing

[Cat Familiar]

Boundaries are to protect you, not to stop her from behaving badly.

I experienced the same types of behaviors from my ex husband and his conduct was out of my control. He could promise not to do that sort of thing, but his promises were worthless.

In retrospect, the only boundary I could have had about this behavior would have been: You do X behavior and I remove myself from the relationship.

Otherwise I cannot see how you can use a boundary here to stop her from doing what she is going to do.

[Cat Familiar]

Here’s an article about boundaries:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[GaGrl]

So boundaries are about your values.

How clear are you on your own values within  the relationship.

If you state your value -- "I value a monogamous, intimate relationship," for example -- what is the boundary that results from your value?

Value YOUR values -- don't cave in to hers.

[NotMyUsername]

Boundaries are to protect you, not to stop her from behaving badly.

I experienced the same types of behaviors from my ex husband and his conduct was out of my control. He could promise not to do that sort of thing, but his promises were worthless.

In retrospect, the only boundary I could have had about this behavior would have been: You do X behavior and I remove myself from the relationship.

Otherwise I cannot see how you can use a boundary here to stop her from doing what she is going to do.

I would assume that's why no one wanted to say it. The only recourse I can see for an adult is leaving the relationship.

[NotMyUsername]

Here’s an article about boundaries:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

thanks, I will definitely give that a read

[NotMyUsername]

So boundaries are about your values.

How clear are you on your own values within  the relationship.

If you state your value -- "I value a monogamous, intimate relationship," for example -- what is the boundary that results from your value?

Value YOUR values -- don't cave in to hers.

no, I'm not giving in to her behavior, anymore. I've learned about codependency, and I can say she pretty much fixed that aspect of my personality to an almost detrimental effect