Anniversary celebration? Please share experiences...

[Chosen]

Me and uBPDh's 10-year anniversary is coming up.  We don't normally do anything special especially now that we have kids, but hey, it's the 10th!  However, he generally doesn't respond well to any celebratory occasion in which he's a part of.  So I kind of felt like bringing anything up would be setting myself up for a huge disappointment.  Like, perhaps I would propose something and he would shoot it down.  Or he would turn it into "something he would like to do for me" (but not what I propose), then I'd be expected to be eternally grateful to him for doing it (and not to mention it's not what I wanted). 

Worse still, it would be an invitation for him to attack how unsupportive/ poor/ undeserving etc wife I had been for the past 10 years.  Not that I haven't heard enough of it already.  Not super often, but you know, when he's dysregulation that's all I ever hear.  Or he could go with what I want and we could have a nice time, only to have him bring it up at some juncture (during dysregulation or whatever) and make it sound like I owe him. 

Of course, there's a chance that I could suggest doing something, we would actually do it, and we'd spend a great time without any repercussions whatsoever.  Totally depends on what he's feeling on that day/ whether I triggered him near the time, you know the drill.

So, I'm wondering if it's worth the risk to suggest doing something celebratory which I would like (if there's no price to pay, I mean).  Any words for wisdom for me, and any experiences to share?  Thanks.

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[T0M]

I arranged two surprise parties for my GF with BPD,on her birthday.  One with my family and one with her family. I did not knew she had BPD back than  I also arranged for her daughter (she is divorced and her daughter was with her ex) to be at the surprise party. I bought her flowers and a  nice card with a poem on that I wrote myself.

In the evening after the second party, she blamed me of not buying a gift for her. Because she had noticed I was looking at her hands in the days before, and she assumed I was going to buy a ring. That I was not the kind of person that does anything special for his partner. And so on...

When I did buy her a ring (our first year together) she is using it now to make a statement. Taking it of and throwing it at me at any given moment. Saying I should give it to someone else...

I also surprised her few times with a weekend away or some days. We had huge fights before we left, when we where there and on the way back. Apparently BPD don't deal well with surprises?

But anyway, congrats on your 10 year anniversary.

[mitten]

Is there something that sounds fun to you?  Like a weekend getaway to a place you've always wanted to go, for example?  If nothing else, it's excuse to maybe get to do something you've always wanted to do, if he'll cooperate that is...  Another idea is going to the place you honeymooned, got engaged, etc if it's not too far away and practical.  We go to the place we honeymooned every year on our anniversary and stay for a few days but it's a pretty short drive. 

Speaking of anniversaries... I always have trouble thinking of authentic and honest things to write when giving a greeting card to my uBPDw for anniversaries, etc.  Most people might say cliche stuff like "you're my best friend and the best thing that's ever happened to me.  I can't imagine anyone I'd rather do life with."  How many of us can say that honestly though?   Life with a person with BPD is hard, regardless of how much love you have for them.   

[thankful person]

Throughout the seven years we have been together, all celebrations, birthdays, Christmas, holidays etc had been an absolute nightmare. It seemed to me that my wife couldn’t cope with the pressure of us both anticipating having a “good time”.
Over the past few months since joining here I have been working on the validating, not arguing (disagreeing) with her… and since I have been learning so much on here and from the books I’ve been reading, something very strange has happened. I have somehow let go of much the anxiety I had built up surrounding these occasions. It is partly knowing that I have this amazing secret support network here, and partly my thorough understanding that she isn’t going to change and really can’t see things from my point of view. I have made peace with the fact that she will (may) get angry, she will (may) get upset… and that’s ok. Those are her feelings, not mine. I can handle it. I’ll be ok if the worst happens. And then things will get back to normal (I hope). If I don’t stay attached to her talk of us divorcing etc then she seems to get over the problem. The outcome has been that my daughter’s birthday, our 4th wedding anniversary, Christmas, and a five day road trip #omg all of these occasions have actually gone well. I’m still not quite sure why… but it seems too many successes (since October) to just be some weird coincidence. I understand your reservations about arranging anything. But I really think you should. Do something you would like and hope he would, but be ok with the idea that he may react in any unpredictable way… Creating memories together is important (even though bpd memories of events can change hugely from day to day). I know what it’s like to be constantly accused of not being good enough. She has strangely laid off this for a while so I guess it might be coming soon… Did you have a happy wedding day? What were you thinking of for the potential celebration? Congratulations and good luck!
Mitten I so get what you said about the cards! Even choosing a card is so hard when I’m just like, nah I can’t actually say those words are accurate. And my wife is very aware of this too… she says things like, “we’re not really friends though are we? We have nothing in common, we never talk…” blah blah blah

[T0M]

Broken person, that indeed is something I also notices. When you mention: “we’re not really friends though are we? We have nothing in common, we never talk…” It is really that, isn't it. My GF actually told me yesterday that she does love me although i don't understand her and i never will. That I'm hiding who I really am, and that we have different values and interests because I was raised by unemotional parents. Of course I already spend hours of politely disagreeing, but the other day the urge of saying: 'Yes I'm different, but look who isn't in a depression, is having a broad social network, and is successful at work.' became so overwhelming, that I almost confronted her with it.

Of course I didn't and I can now see how this would have ended very badly. But Sometimes when she is insulting me like that, the voice in me gets so strong. And I just have this feeling of injustice that gets so strong.

To add to your point that people with BPD tend to destroy all the things you are looking forward to. Same here. But I guess they feel that you are looking forward to this, and are afraid they can never meet your expectations? And when they are trying, I can not get over the fact that I feel as if they are acting. Because you know, the evening, the next morning... they had noticed something and will blame you for it.

[thankful person]

Tom, it is so irritating isn’t it, to feel that we just have to “take it” to keep the peace, and that’s it’s our responsibility while the bpd’s just get to be totally irrational and immature and get away with it. I think it helped me to see people here describe bpd as an emotional disability. I have worked with many disabled people but I didn’t used to make the connection. I used to think, how come I can communicate so easily with autistic people (who are supposedly so difficult) but not my bpd wife? I think it’s just a change of mindset… letting go of the hope that my wife would one day “grow up”, become more respectful, see that I have needs too. It also helped to learn that you can validate their feelings without agreeing, and that it seems to calm her, even when she knows I disagree, I just don’t actually say it.
It’s strange the thing about them being scared they can’t meet your expectations… My wife never acts as though she feels guilty or not good enough. She has self image issues to do with her weight but that is the only thing she criticises about herself. When we first met I thought we were alike and would both be desperately apologising all the time. How wrong I was! We had many arguments following a day or event that I had enjoyed and thought went well, only to be suddenly accused out of the blue of something like, “you didn’t talk to me ALL DAY! You didn’t even LOOK AT ME!” or some other ridiculous accusation. I now understand that bpd’s react to whatever feeling they have at that moment which is hard for us or them to fathom. It doesn’t mean they had a terrible day and were miserable all day (I think we can tell when they are miserable… ). So I just say something like, “aww that must be very upsetting for you to feel that I ignored you all day..” Somehow this is effective. I say it sincerely, but almost as though I’m talking to a child. I feel calm and much more powerful than when I used to respond with, “but I’ve been talking to you ALL DAY! How the feck can you say I ignored you?”

[mitten]

So true.  There is a saying in metal health, You know it’s a personality disorder by how the person makes you feel”.   (Compared to other mental health disorders.)

[T0M]

Mitten, so true.
Other mental illnesses make you feel bad about the person who has it, but BPD makes you feel bad yourself.

Broken person, my GF is also very good at picking up one sentence out of an argument in which she was complaining like for one hour. And the one negative, or semi-negative thing that I have said during that hour, is then topic of the next hour.

Yesterday I actually said during a discussion regarding what we would be doing in the afternoon, that I was not the difficult person. I was suggesting several things we could be doing and she was coming up with reasons/excuses why it was not going to be fun. And than she said that I was never up for anything.

The next hour she focused on me saying I was not a difficult person; We ended up going nowhere. 

[Chosen]

Apparently BPD don't deal well with surprises?

uBPDh has always told me he hates surprises.  I wasn't planning any surprises; I simply wanted us to do something together, just the two of us.  With the pandemic, and with kids, there's not a lot that we could do.  So definitely won't be travelling or anything.

I was thinking of taking a few hours and making a pair of sterling silver rings for us.  He doesn't really do jewellery but I love it and I'm always wearing rings.  But then, jewellery-making isn't really his thing either.  I think he'd do it with me if I want it, we'd probably have a fun time (he does enjoy doing things with me even if it's not his thing).  But the thing is, this activity is kind of just for me.  So I don't want to open myself up to him saying this is proof that I only ever do stuff for myself, do I ever think about him? etc... when he's dysregulated.  If this will happen, then I'd rather not have any celebration because it's just not worth it...

So yeah... I'm really torn.

[kells76]

Chosen;

Sounds like you're balancing reality with what you like -- sure, no travel or overnight trips, but being honest that yes, making rings sounds awesome to you.

I get the worry that it'll become one more piece of "evidence" that "you're selfish".

I think you want to be as caring a partner as you can be while staying true to your values.

Sometimes with pwPDs, we think situations are "either or" -- either I'm honest about doing this thing I really like, and then I'm selfish, or I shut up and do whatever, and then I don't really have a great time and am kind of resentful.

Can we make this a "both and" situation?

So what does he like to do? I'm thinking -- does he enjoy wineries/brewpubs, special food/cuisine, hiking, etc? Can the start of the day be "your thing" and the end of the day be "his thing"? You guys will need to eat at some point, so can the eating after ringmaking be somewhere meaningful to him, whether winetasting, nice restaurant, picnic on a special hike...? Or, if it's not "food" that's his thing, can "his thing" be something else that day? You can think about whether it would be more special for him to "go first" or to "end the day".

Hope that helps you stay true to your honest desires and also balance things out...

kells76

[Chosen]

Can we make this a "both and" situation?

Good suggestion, although it may be hard practically speaking as we've got 2 young kids and don't have extra help.  Could probably leave them with my parents in law for a few hours but definitely not the whole day.

Let me try think of something...

[mitten]

Could probably leave them with my parents in law for a few hours but definitely not the whole day.

Why? 

[Chosen]

Why? 

Because they're not babysitters?  It's not their job to take our kids for the whole day?

[mitten]

Because they're not babysitters?  It's not their job to take our kids for the whole day?

Is it babysitting when they are your grandkids?  I know lots of grandparents who like to take their kids for the whole day, or even whole weekend, once in a while.  But I realize maybe this isn't your situation.  I know my parents would love to take my boys for a day... however my uBPDw won't let that happen...