Those of you who have been around awhile may remember my story (if so, skip this paragraph
- I was initially dumped by my BPDex early last February after he met someone else. While the breakup hurt, his reasoning made sense (he wanted more kids). After they broke up I became his therapist/confidant and we ended up in bed a few times. After I told him I was feeling used, he abruptly cut off contact - that was July 24th and that was when I found the forum
. We were 100% no contact for 13 weeks, when he randomly pinged me asking how my daughter was (she broke her ankle in August...this was late October, which I found weird...by that point she was healed and starting PT). I initially blew him off but within a couple weeks he showed up to a work function (we used to work together, though he hadn't worked there for over a year) and we began talking tentatively. We had a good conversation about the discard and I decided we could try being friends...and yeah, we were back in bed within a couple weeks. By mid December I was right back to where I was in July - feeling used, like I'm his therapist and lover but not good enough to be his girlfriend. I swallowed my pride and posted here admitting my mistake, noting that I needed to detach again...
So here we are. I have been slowly pulling away. There is a distinct possibility he is going to have a new girlfriend soon (he is going to see her this weekend - she is out of state). I feel awful. I know - I KNOW - that he isn't good for me. I know he hasn't changed and he won't. There are things about him I don't even like but...I can't let go. For a long time I was really struggling with this. But I started attending ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) meetings at the beginning of the year and I am starting to finally understand how I got here and I really wanted to share what I have learned in ACA.
- I have learned that my own childhood trauma and resulting cPTSD is a huge factor in ending up in these dysfunctional relationships.
- I have learned that in my own relationships, I keep recreating my childhood abandonment/neglect, in part because it is familiar (due to my own childhood neglect).
- I have learned that children from dysfunctional families often feel deep down they are not worthy of a true, secure, calm love - they don't know what to do with it and I recognize that - I have absolutely pushed away men who are secure and loving because I have no idea what to do with it and honestly don't feel like I deserve it.
- I have had to acknowledge that at my core I feel like I am not worth being loved, so I cling to people like my ex and keep hurting myself over and over.
I
know how dysfunctional this relationship is, even at a friendship level, because I can't let go of the thought of us eventually being together (and I tell myself
all the time that it will never work! My inner child can't seem to accept that). I am working hard on learning to let go and I believe his trip this weekend will be the catalyst to finally finish this in my own head which will make it easier to finish it in real life.
I guess I just wanted to update everyone and encourage those of you who are struggling to understand your trauma bond to start exploring your childhood and see if that may be part of the reason why.
And I
highly recommend ACA - its not just for people with alcoholic parents, its for
anyone with dysfunctional childhoods. If you are wondering if its for you, just google the "ACA Laundry List" and see if it fits.
