Trying to understand triggers causing the ghosting

[Trying2understan]

I’ve been dating a man for 2 years, on and off.  His behavior is consistent with BPD. We have never talked about his abusive behavior, we joke he “has issues”. He says that I don’t.  He flies off the handle at everyone. I won’t tolerate it and will ask him to calm down or go to bed. Based on his reaction to work colleagues and his children, he interprets everything as rejection.  I was on vacation with a friend  for a week, and he sent me snarky emails.. which is consistent with prior behavior. When I came home, he texted he was very happy I was home but then yelled at me for not asking him to pick me up from the airport (it was late and he had told me he was going to be somewhere else that day) and then texted me he was done with the relationship. He does this when feeling rejected, ignores my texts and then comes back 2-3 weeks later acting like I was wrong but is usually very nice.  I’m not contacting him this time. I did nothing wrong and was caring and loving the entire time I was away. I’m supposed to just let him be, right? I can’t handle the micro-aggressions and passive aggressive behavior.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Good Intentions]

You're likely correct in identifying that he perceives rejection where it does not exist, and I personally have a very similar anecdote regarding an airport pickup...it's (not) funny how similar the experience can be for non's

Over the last 4 years with my 27 y/o girlfriend with diagnosed BPD, I've struggled mightily with trying to make the "right" decision in hundreds of situations similar to what you're describing- it certainly seems like a lose-lose when what you want is to reconcile, but as you alluded to, the hostility & aggression that you'll likely face even if you approach him in a loving manner makes it not worth the emotional turmoil & damage to YOUR mental health.

In looking back on my relationship, I wonder if I enabled some of the tantrum-throwing by catering to my partner's illogical emotions...it's so hard to know what to do when someone you care about is clearly suffering, but the fine line that you have to learn to walk (should you chose to stay in the relationship) is how to balance the need to show the man in your life empathy & compassion & kindness and offering validation without fully enmeshing/adopting the mindset of the pwBPD. Their feelings and perception are their reality, but that doesn't make it "true"...I've found that concept impossibly hard to explain to my SO

[Trying2understan]

I’m curious about your thoughts on airport pickup or traveling while dating a BPD.  I am thinking he may be bi-polar too because he gets annoyed when I travel work/personal and then will ghost me for weeks when I get back. He never asks about my trip and doesn’t want to see any photos.  I’m convinced I cannot stay in this relationship but I’m fascinated to try to understand his behavior. I’m on this site to learn more.

[Notwendy]

The Karpan triangle helped me to understand this kind of thinking but to be clear, it's not possible to change anyone's thinking. From my own observations, a pwBPD tends to take "victim" perspective. Why? There is a payoff- benefit- to any behavior ( even if the cost of that behavior is high, such as with an addiction). A victim is not responsible for their actions. Victims don't have choices. I think this is a way to avoid shame.

Truly, in relationships, the only victims- people who don't have choices, are children, or frail elderly, or if someone is help prisoner under violent threat. Most adults are in these relationships due to choice, even if the choices to stay or leave are difficult.

For whatever reason, someone who is in victim perspective sees someone else's actions as being done to them, even if the actions have nothing to do with them. Sometimes it is playing out past trauma. If they had a critical or abusive parent then a loved one may be in that role to them. It's not possible to know what your BF is thinking, but if I had to guess, he's thinking you took that trip to avoid him/reject him even if it had nothing to do with him. You stated that he interprets everything as rejection but you know that not everything is- it's how he perceives it.

In the Karpman triangle, you would be in persecutor role. The "victim" then justifies their abusive behavior as "well they hurt me, or rejected me and so they are "defending" themselves.

As to whether or not you wish to stay in this relationship, consider that we can't control anyone else's thinking and that includes disordered thinking.

[Trying2understan]

I appreciate all the insight I can get.  I read some other posts and romantic partners of this disorder.. are wildly confused and trying to make sense of their own actions in these relationships.   If I articulated my former BF behavior over the course of 2 years, any logical person would furrow their brow and ask why did you put up with that.  In my well educated brain, I would say I know.. I deserve better. But part of me knows he doesn’t think like most people and his behavior can be explained by his disorder.  I miss him terribly but I was anxious around him, not knowing what inappropriate thing would come out of his mouth.  I never talked to him about the possibility that he had this or some disorder combination. Maybe he knows, maybe not. He is a very grumpy angry person that cannot talk about feelings.. (except a few occasions when he was drinking).  I wonder if he had a childhood trauma. I met his mother, she seems nice. But of course I have no idea what his childhood was like.  He has a good relationship with one sibling.. but not the other two. He has a good relationship with his adult son but not his two other adult children .  Obviously, I have some issues to address since I dealt with erratic behavior for so long, but I am so curious as to how he thinks. I’m fascinated and want to try to understand. I’m not arrogant or naive enough to think I can fix it.  And I know I can’t help.  I am feeling void .. like many others who go through any break up, especially with people with BPD.  I also think he might be partly bi-polar.  His episodes of distance from me is usually 3weeks.. then he starts to make contact and acts like nothing was wrong or unusual.

This site has been helpful in reading other peoples experience.

The first time I saw his rage was when I was fostering a dog.  He came over and the dog would not stop barking at him.  My BF is 6’7” with a deep voice. I told him kneel down and to show the dog he was friendly and he got mad at me, grabbed all his things from house and didn’t talk to me for 3 weeks. I’m assuming he believed I chose the foster dog over him, but I didn’t understand that at the time.  It was such an odd behavioral response , I tried talking to him about it and when he did.. his version was completely different from what happened. I then researched and came upon BPD.

I wish I can just let go.. and move past my experience. Like every breakup.. it just takes time.