The constant blame and gas lighting AFTER breakup

[NotAHero]

 The breakup happened and boundaries are in effect except in communications. She continues to blame me for the relationship failing, gas lighting and guilt tripping. I have to communicate with her because we have a child together. I don’t respond to most of the negative comments. It certainly doesn’t bother me as much as when we were together.

 My question is, will this go away eventually ? Like when she officially move on? Is there a better way to handle it?

[finallyout]

I am in a similar place as you and also dealing with blaming and gaslighting. I left my home at the end of last year and never came back. I wanted to go NC but the problem we have a child together and mutual rented apartment. She is refusing to leave the apartment, which means we can't cancel the lease contract. This is not good since, legally, we both would still be responsible for paying the rent even if I don't live there anymore. Every time I try to talk to her about this matter, she starts accusing and blaming me for everything. She says I have a personality disorder and people like myself can't have empathy, this is why I could leave her this way (I left secretly, and told her afterwards like many on this site). She still thinks that the relationship was good, which really bothers me to the core. If she can't admit that we have problems in the relationship, then how can we solve them? That's actually one of the reason why I left. I felt like we were living on two different planets.

To your question, I am still also wondering when it is going to stop. I am even hoping that one day we would be able to work together effectively to raise our child. But my therapist thinks that that might take a few years or if she could find a new partner then she would immediately delete me from her existence, like pushing a button 

[Rev]

The breakup happened and boundaries are in effect except in communications. She continues to blame me for the relationship failing, gas lighting and guilt tripping. I have to communicate with her because we have a child together. I don’t respond to most of the negative comments. It certainly doesn’t bother me as much as when we were together.

 My question is, will this go away eventually ? Like when she officially move on? Is there a better way to handle it?

Hey Hero,

Likely every situation is different in terms of "how long".  I would say that in my case it took about a year for her to stop.  I would estimate that the time is hard to predict because it depends on her state of need for affirmation - aka "supply".  Know this. pwBPD can behave like addicts in that the condition never goes away - it can only be managed.

So stay the course. Know that the only real way to have it "stop" is to not be "available for it to continue."

Hang in there... eventually she'll move on.

Rev

[Rev]

Hey Hero,

Likely every situation is different in terms of "how long".  I would say that in my case it took about a year for her to stop.  I would estimate that the time is hard to predict because it depends on her state of need for affirmation - aka "supply".  Know this. pwBPD can behave like addicts in that the condition never goes away - it can only be managed.

So stay the course. Know that the only real way to have it "stop" is to not be "available for it to continue."  Anecdotally, I have a friend in the same situation as you. Every time she would provoke him and his Latin temper would kick in, she got what she wanted, and he was literally left starting over as if the breakup had just happened. This continued for about two years. Then I started teaching him about how to "grey rock" and what J.A.D.E. was all about. Today, life is not perfect, but it's a whole lot better for him.

Hang in there... eventually she'll move on.

Rev

[kells76]

Hey NotAHero;

She continues to blame me for the relationship failing, gas lighting and guilt tripping. I have to communicate with her because we have a child together. I don’t respond to most of the negative comments.

will this go away eventually ? Like when she officially move on? Is there a better way to handle it?

Each situation is different. My DH and his kids' mom divorced ~11 years ago. She still makes passive-aggressive comments to him in texts & emails, and is uncooperative about parenting time. Based on things the kids say, she still blames him for things that happened when they were married -- like, of course she always wanted to be outdoorsy and go hiking, but he wouldn't let her. Um, it's the opposite.

Part of our dynamic is that about 3 months after the divorce, she got engaged to DH's then-best friend, and they were married 3 months after that. DH's (former) best friend and his ex admitted, while DH & ex were married, that they were attracted to each other. Former Best Friend has strong NPD traits and a history of "my dad left so I became the man of the house, and I'm just not the kind of guy who leaves families... but you [DH] are"

So while some pwBPD, after a divorce, "tone it down" in a new relationship, the opposite happened for us. The NPD-BPD dynamic has kept fanning the flames of blame for over a decade. It's not as overt but it's still there and toxic.

To answer your question about if there's a better way to handle it than ignoring the negativity, in brief, no, you're doing well. It's a critical skill to have -- to identify what in the email is actually about kid logistics and what is just disordered filler, and then to have the discipline to only respond to logistics and not take any other bait. If you're already doing that, and steering away from Explaining yourself, Arguing, Justifying your parenting, etc... you're miles ahead of most.

You've probably already heard of BIFF as a communication scaffolding? That's another tool to use: keep any texts/emails Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. I try to keep anything I send to the kids' mom equivalent to a business email in tone, and as short as possible.

Because DH's kids are older than yours (they're 13 & 15), Mom is again trying to send messages through the kids, but really subtlely. I'll send an email asking something, and she won't email back, but one of the kids will tell me later that "Mom said it's fine if I do X". I tell the kids "Great, I'll check my email to see what she says" and I do NOT, repeat do NOT, send a followup email asking "hey, the kids said you said they could do X, let me know any updates". She's a grown woman with a phone and computer. She can figure out coordinating if she chooses to.

...

I hope our situation is uniquely horribly long-lived and that you do not experience that. Also hope this was helpful food for thought...

kells76

[ACycleWiser]

My question is, will this go away eventually ? Like when she officially move on? Is there a better way to handle it?

The thing is, the push and pull does not stop as long as you remain in contact. You may be broken up and you may be devalued and separated at this time. She may move on and find a distraction, but if your relationship meant anything of meaning to them, they never really move on like we do. It looks like the opposite, but that is merely how their defense mechanisms work, they avoid, repress, rationalize and project their feelings instead of the healthy thing which would be dealing with them.

None of what they say after a breakup will make any sense, they try to rationalize their feelings into a narrative that justifies them and absolves them of guilt. It is painful to be on the receiving end of that but best way is to just ignore. They project but it is a projection, it is not about the real you.

[NotAHero]

The thing is, the push and pull does not stop as long as you remain in contact. You may be broken up and you may be devalued and separated at this time. She may move on and find a distraction, but if your relationship meant anything of meaning to them, they never really move on like we do. It looks like the opposite, but that is merely how their defense mechanisms work, they avoid, repress, rationalize and project their feelings instead of the healthy thing which would be dealing with them.

None of what they say after a breakup will make any sense, they try to rationalize their feelings into a narrative that justifies them and absolves them of guilt. It is painful to be on the receiving end of that but best way is to just ignore. They project but it is a projection, it is not about the real you.

 I think you got it right.  She keeps saying this was her “only real love” and she did discard others much faster. That makes it more painful to be the subject of projection. Despite knowing that it’s all an illusion and things would never ever work out. It is still painful and I’m not sure how to completely turn off my feelings. I’m having a tough time looking forward to meet anyone else or try hard to date.

[Rev]

I think you got it right.  She keeps saying this was her “only real love” and she did discard others much faster. That makes it more painful to be the subject of projection. Despite knowing that it’s all an illusion and things would never ever work out. It is still painful and I’m not sure how to completely turn off my feelings. I’m having a tough time looking forward to meet anyone else or try hard to date.

Yeah that can take time... Speaking from experience, there was a lot of off-on thinking and feeling. And then I ended up in a great relationship, which still took me time to get past those hard feelings. Today after almost three years after the break-up I'm feeling really good. And I's say that fully took root this Christmas.

Hang in there.

Rev