Valuable excerpts from “Breaking Free” - Sheldon Kardner

[hands down]

I was going through some old notes from a book I read (in 2014)

The premise of the book is how to value yourself with a childhood that caused codependent type traits. I’ll leave it at that and share some excerpts I had highlighted then, that still move me 8 years later.

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inability to predict what the response will be. Sincere behavior is an important and totally appropriate social lubricant. But authenticity of expression is the desirable goal in our closest relationships. To be authentic means to be willing to tolerate an uncertain response, allow for the unpredictable, and really listen. We approach our significant relationships with unguarded intimacy when we cannot entirely predict the other persons' responses. There are no prerecordings in such interactions. Being uncertain of what will be said creates anxiety, and only when we are willing to tolerate this anxiety do we become authentic.





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Fortunate is the child whose parents are able to clearly distinguish between his person and his behaviors, especially when those behaviors are undesirable. "I love you, but We must discuss your unacceptable behavior." We often hear the canard
"unconditional love." There is no such thing. You either love, or you do not love, the person. This is separate from
accepting or rejecting that person's behavior.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve found it helpful to “separate behavior from self” however this concept is difficult for pwBPD to understand. Any criticism of behavior implies a fulsome rejection of them, and trying to explain the concept can involve JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining).

Another concept I like is “The meaning of your communication is the response you get.” I’m someone who is really straightforward, blunt, and this is often seen by my husband as shaming. I’m like WTF? I’m just stating the facts, but the effect is certainly not what I want. I continue to struggle to understand how to present my thoughts in a way that is not triggering to him.