Need some advice about leaving please?

[Destiny 37]

Hi

I’ve decided I want to leave. I feel sick about it but I’ve just had enough. His behaviour is abusive. He refuses to see what he’s doing to me and his children. He’s in a complete devaluation phase of me right now, cold to the bone. Blames me for everything that’s going wrong, being completely self centred and the angry outbursts are constant. He needs better therapy than he is getting but refuses. My daughter has also told me he’s constantly slagging me off to her and my other daughter. Im tired and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this anymore. I believe he will also ruin my relationship with the kids and I’m the stable one. They need me.

I'm completely stuck though. I had savings but due to his mismanagement of money I ended up losing them all.

Is there any financial help for someone in my position? He has lots in savings but I have no access to that.

He’s also said he wants custody 3 days a week if we split up. Im not comfortable with this.

I’ve reached out to his family this week. Explaining the abusive situation we are living in. I don’t think they believe me. They aren’t helping. I feel trapped and so alone. I have no family here at all. I don’t know what to do. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and I’ve cried so much this week.

[GaGrl]

I'm so sorry...this is a difficult decision point.

Have you talked to a lawyer yet?

Some points that can make a big difference in a divorce action are...

The length of the marriage.

The ages of the children.

Whether your state is a community property state.

What is your current situation re: these questions?

[alleyesonme]

Hi

I’ve decided I want to leave. I feel sick about it but I’ve just had enough. His behaviour is abusive. He refuses to see what he’s doing to me and his children. He’s in a complete devaluation phase of me right now, cold to the bone. Blames me for everything that’s going wrong, being completely self centred and the angry outbursts are constant. He needs better therapy than he is getting but refuses. My daughter has also told me he’s constantly slagging me off to her and my other daughter. For example I was getting the youngest in the shower and she was really playing me up. I’ve hurt my back and I was just begging her to stop crying and get into the shower in the end. He came down and I thought he was trying to help me but my older daughter said he went straight into her and said “how is what she’s doing right now any worse than how I behave? Look how horrible and nasty she’s being. She’s just a horrible person” Im tired and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this anymore. I believe he will also ruin my relationship with the kids and I’m the stable one. They need me.

I'm completely stuck though. I had savings but due to his mismanagement of money I ended up losing them all paying work men that completed works on the house last year (I think he did this on purpose as he I think he realised I was keeping the savings to escape eventually). I earn very little and if I increase my hours it means more time with the kids alone for him which is detrimental to their mental health as I work over night but start when they finish school.

Is there any financial help for someone in my position? He has lots in savings but I have no access to that.

He’s also said he wants custody 3 days a week if we split up. Im not comfortable with this. I had to keep my daughter off school for two days this week due to her anxiety being through the roof following multiple verbal attacks from him when I was at work. She said she doesn’t want to live with him anymore and she’s done. Is there any way if I took him to court I could stipulate in any agreements that my daughters can come home to me if he gets angry on days he’s meant to have them?

I’ve reached out to his family this week. Explaining the abusive situation we are living in. I don’t think they believe me. They aren’t helping. I feel trapped and so alone. I have no family here at all. I don’t know what to do. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach and I’ve cried so much this week.

I just wish he would go away and never come back.

Sorry this is all happening. You've got a lot on your plate right now, and a lot of us have been in somewhat similar situations, so you've come to the right place. This may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but for the sake of your kids, it may be necessary.

You mentioned your finances. Depending on where you live, there may be a Legal Aid or something similar that provides reduced cost or even free legal services. Your situation sounds like the exact reason why these services exist. Wouldn't hurt to make a phone call to them when you've got some privacy just to learn more about the divorce process. I'm sure others will chime in as well, but it's also a good idea to not discuss your plans/thoughts about the divorce with your H anymore. Especially with disordered people going through a potential breakup of a marriage, you never know what they'll do, so it makes sense to hold your cards very close to the vest for the time being.

[Destiny 37]

I'm so sorry...this is a difficult decision point.

Have you talked to a lawyer yet?

Some points that can make a big difference in a divorce action are...

The length of the marriage.

The ages of the children.

Whether your state is a community property state.

What is your current situation re: these questions?

Hi thanks for responding.

Sorry I should of said I’m in the uk. I forget we are from all over the world aren’t we. So I should of started what country I was in when I posted. My apologies

However in answer to your question we’ve been married 15 years this year and our kids are 9 and 12 years old. The eldest wants a safe place away from him but the youngest is such a sensitive soul (she really is the product of what we have been living with and has almost assigned herself the role of peace maker in the house. She’s also extremely compliant with him. Like she’s learned just to apologise loads to appease him. It’s sad. Older one always defends herself and fights back)

[Destiny 37]

Sorry this is all happening. You've got a lot on your plate right now, and a lot of us have been in somewhat similar situations, so you've come to the right place. This may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but for the sake of your kids, it may be necessary.

You mentioned your finances. Depending on where you live, there may be a Legal Aid or something similar that provides reduced cost or even free legal services. Your situation sounds like the exact reason why these services exist. Wouldn't hurt to make a phone call to them when you've got some privacy just to learn more about the divorce process. I'm sure others will chime in as well, but it's also a good idea to not discuss your plans/thoughts about the divorce with your H anymore. Especially with disordered people going through a potential breakup of a marriage, you never know what they'll do, so it makes sense to hold your cards very close to the vest for the time being.

Thanks for responding. Yes it’s sad that we can all see our own lives to a certain extent in others posts. I think whilst we are still together I will take advantage of the private medical cover he has for us all through work and get some counselling. To help me build up some strength. Right now I feel strong and resolute in how I feel but I also know he can be charming when he wants to be, he can also present as very balanced when he wants as well which always leads to me being sucked back in. There are definitely strong narcissistic traits as well as the BPD.

Definitely not going to discuss it anymore. You are right. I’m not sure how to handle it if he brings it up though. As with most of us the default response when we disagree or argue is “right that’s it. I’m done, I want a divorce” from him. My biggest issue is I instantly try to defend myself when he attacks, it’s like I forget I’m not dealing with someone with any ability to see things from my point of view. I’m dealing with someone who at that point especially has completely devalued me, has absolutely no empathy for me at the best of times let alone when it kicks off and who probably doesn’t love me really. Just stays with me because when he has those relational moments he knows a lot is stacked against him if we go to court and he can’t bare the thought of not seeing the kids every day. Neither can I which is another reason I’ve hung on.

I’ve started looking into benefits. Looking around for houses and I’m going to seek legal advice. I will also need to find a new job so I don’t rely on his for child care as I have no family to help me.

I have no idea what to expect once I speak to him when my ducks are all in the row and I can move quickly. It’s not going to be anytime soon so for now I’m keeping things civil but he does know me well and he will pick up on my change towards him. In the past when it’s been discussed. It’s gone from “I’ll take everything from you. The kids are not living with you. I’ll destroy you” to once he’s feeling calm “you know I’d never do those things I said. I will help you as much as I can if you decide to leave. I’ll never let you go with out”. Talk about messing with someone’s head.

[AndreaX]

So sorry to hear about your situation. I'm a relative newbie here, so no expert on BPD or how to handle these situations, but I have experience in leaving an abusive (non-BPD) partner and, like you, live in the UK.
What you need in the short-term is some supportive friends - or even just one, who you can talk all this through with or could even give you short-term accommodation (harder when you've got kids, of course).
For me, although there was some violence at the end of the relationship, it was the constant emotional abuse that took its toll - I was in this relationship for 23 years and it completely eroded my sense of self-worth.
I'm now going through something similar with a BPD partner (who is not violent - except to himself), whose constant attacks on my behaviour and personality leave me shattered and constantly re-evaluating the future of our relationship.
I would say, yes, definitely get legal advice. But also maybe talk to a domestic abuse helpline to clarify in your own mind in what ways your husband's behaviour constitutes abuse. It seems to me this is emotional abuse, but perhaps also financial abuse, based on what you say.
They should then be able to recommend a family law solicitor, who will at least give you one free consultation, and see if you qualify for legal aid. (It sounds like you should, although you may have to leave your partner first.) You might also be directed toward mediation, as a family law court will give you more credit for at least trying this means of resolving your issues re custody, separation etc. (And you may not need to go to court if you can agree a course of action. )
Unfortunately, family mediation in the UK is very costly - so make sure you are getting any financial support you are entitled to first.
I hope some of this helps - and good luck!

[ForeverDad]

First, you have a right to privacy and confidentiality.  If you decide to consult counselors, solicitors or other professionals, that is your right no matter how much he might insist or demand otherwise.

A solicitor or attorney can advise you whether you can include in your divorce that he reimburse your legal expenses.  At the very least your solicitor can get paid from your funds after getting your portion of marital assets.  However, typically the final division of assets is near the end of a divorce.  (That's why you never agree on a financial split in early stages when you're so desperate to get out that you'd agree to a horrendous terms.)

[EZEarache]

Thanks for responding. Yes it’s sad that we can all see our own lives to a certain extent in others posts. I think whilst we are still together I will take advantage of the private medical cover he has for us all through work and get some counselling. To help me build up some strength. Right now I feel strong and resolute in how I feel but I also know he can be charming when he wants to be, he can also present as very balanced when he wants as well which always leads to me being sucked back in. There are definitely strong narcissistic traits as well as the BPD.

I cannot state emphatically enough that you should absolutely get some counseling. It's not just about building up strength, this happens on its own over time. The counselor will be able to help you document things if you do need to go to court. At least they can in the States. Every time my co-parent with BPD dysregulates and sends me a nasty string of texts, I do my best to just take screen captures of the communication, and make a PDF of it, then send it to the counselor. I also analyze the thread and write in comments mentioning things I could have done better in this communication. For me what is really helpful is just highlighting examples of emotional abuse, blame shifting, and distorted thinking. A good therapist can help you with this. It ends up being very validating.

I've noticed a behavior pattern, where the dysregulation starts out completely hot, with guns blazing. Then the next day, it gets dialed back and turns into a passive aggressive, "I'm better than you are, so I'll tell you all the things you are doing poorly in a nice tone," rant. It does seem almost balanced, but if you really look at what is being said, it's still completely messed up. I've found that this was the sort of communication that was most traumatic for me. I actually fell for it, and it made me feel very badly about myself.

I'm getting better at just not taking the bate, but she can still catch me off guard. Anything regarding custody tends to be a pretty big trigger for me. If she starts off unexpectedly, I almost definitely bite and swallow the hook. This happened on Friday. Now I'm back here reading the board again.

Good luck, my advise is to document everything. If it's a verbal argument try to record it on your phone. Sometimes listening back to them is almost comic, just not when you're actually experiencing being screamed at.