Repercussions for false accusations

[alleyesonme]

I know many of us who have gone through a divorce with a BP spouse have had to face false allegations of some type of abuse, and that's currently present in our case. Have any of you seen example of negative repercussions against the BP for the false allegations, and if so, how did you make that happen?

[hands down]

My only suggestion. IF you can EVER file anything legally. DO IT

Do it asap, get an attorney if you can afford it and be the initiator creating a paper trail. If a cluster B has it in their head, there are decent odds you’re playing with fire.

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, it is too often self-sabotaging if you hide the bad behaviors or allow serious threats or allegations slide.  Why?  Because when the ex really gets his/her panties in a bunch, they'll attack, disparage and denigrate you without the least bit of compunction.  Well, more of less.

Sure you may be rejected and painted black for only a while, but the truth is you never know how long that may be, it may be a day or it may be for life.  You can't — absolutely can't — risk your legal, career, marital or parenting future in an attempt to "be nice", "be understanding" or to appease.  Or even to forgive when there is no sincere and lasting remorse.

During my two year separation and divorce I was hit with several allegations of child abuse.  I really lost count, she made allegations to as many professionals as she could.  Sure, she didn't know what was abuse at first, the first allegation was that I let our son tip over his stopped bike on training wheels without a scratch.  But as she caught on to what was "actionable" by the authorities, she ramped it up to more serious claims.  Yes, even suspected sexual abuse.  Imagine how much worse it would have been if we had a daughter!

I didn't face any DV claims at first, I'm sure it was because our separation started with her being charged for Threat of DV.  However, one of her last claims was when I was seeking full custody in the Change of Circumstances petition.  During her testimony she tried to explain why she forced me to cancel my mid-winter vacation notice.  It happened when it included Kwanzaa, something we had never before celebrated.  To the court she admitted she wasn't of Jewish descent but wanted to observe it anyway.  My lawyer had a field day with that one — "Tell us more about this Jewish Kwanzaa" — after his third question and her responding something about candles her lawyer objected and the magistrate sustained it.

The decision allowed me to proceed to seek custody.  It noted that some of her testimony was "not credible".  That's essentially "Liar!" in passive court speak.  Also there was a brief paragraph where she reported I'd tried to choke her years before.  Of course totally false but strangely no one had asked me about that so I think it was squeezed in simply for full disclosure and move on.

Many of our cases take a year or two, sometimes even longer.  What really helped with my custody issues was having an excellent Custody Evaluator, an experienced and perceptive child psychologist the court trusted implicitly.  In his initial report to the court he wrote, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."

Oh, to answer your question, it took TIME and PERSEVERANCE to prove myself to the professionals and the court.  My ex started out with a very, very favorable temp order (custody and majority time) despite her facing an initial Threat of DV case.  No one, literally no one, was inclined to update or correct a temp order, after all, it was only temporary, right?  Ack!  It was TWO YEARS!  Our son was 3 when it went to court and he was 6 at the final decree!  However, by the time the divorce was final I was able to be on supposedly equal terms with her, well, as much as a father can be on equal terms with a mother who still got default consideration from the court.  But in time I achieved more incremental improvements to my position, court evidently believes if you make too big of a change it will upset the children.  (I asked my lawyer, wouldn't it upset the children if the fixes are too little?)

[BigOof]

There are only negative repercussions if you push the agenda (that's your adversary is nuts). No one is going to do it for you.

As I've said previously, false accusations are parental alienation. It is your responsibility to map the false accusation to the negative impact on the child. Each time there's an accusation, I make sure I use my joint legal custody rights to put additional restrictions on the pwBPD & child.

[alleyesonme]

My stbEX made completely baseless accusations that I sexually abused our child and that I was verbally abusive to her (my ex). She made these accusations to the GAL in our case and from what it looks like, the GAL didn't think they had any merit. I've been telling the 100% truth from the very start of this and have been careful to not even slightly exaggerate any allegation about my ex, for fear of the court coming down hard on me. For whatever reason, while the accusations she made haven't hurt me, I don't understand why the fact that she made baseless accusations hasn't hurt her at all either. Is there anything I can do to make this happen?

[alleyesonme]

There are only negative repercussions if you push the agenda (that's your adversary is nuts). No one is going to do it for you.

As I've said previously, false accusations are parental alienation. It is your responsibility to map the false accusation to the negative impact on the child. Each time there's an accusation, I make sure I use my joint legal custody rights to put additional restrictions on the pwBPD & child.

I agree that it's PA, but can you explain more about how you use your rights to put additional restrictions on your ex?

[HeWho]

Sadly, it is too often self-sabotaging if you hide the bad behaviors or allow serious threats or allegations slide.  Why?  Because when the ex really gets his/her panties in a bunch, they'll attack, disparage and denigrate you without the least bit of compunction.  Well, more of less.

Sure you may be rejected and painted black for only a while, but the truth is you never know how long that may be, it may be a day or it may be for life.  You can't — absolutely can't — risk your legal, career, marital or parenting future in an attempt to "be nice", "be understanding" or to appease.  Or even to forgive when there is no sincere and lasting remorse.
 

This is very good advice. I'm really trying to take this to heart. Presently my military career is at jeopardy because of false sexual assault allegations. My lawyer and even the detective are STRONGLY recommending I file false accusation charges and I'm not gonna lie, I want to give her a pass. I think it's because I listened to Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You, Don't Leave Me but I finally feel like I actually understand her. That coupled with everything else I've been reading makes me still have a lot of love for her. Is it a bad choice if I don't file? Am I telling her it's ok by doing that? I know that's probably the case but what can I do as her husband? We have 2 houses together and can't even sell one of them right now. I was actually sad that she removed me from her Amazon prime account today.

I'm getting a polygraph test done next week just to clear up some of these allegations. When the rape allegation was brought up the detective said it didn't even fit the criteria to get polygraphed. I'm just doing it because she thinks I'm lying about crap with my ex wife and believes I intentionally tried to hurt her with squats. It sounds crazy just to type that honestly.

[BigOof]

alleyesonme, add a parental alienation expert to your witness list. An alienator can't co-parent. Those that can't co-parent get their parenting rights restricted.

[alleyesonme]

alleyesonme, add a parental alienation expert to your witness list. An alienator can't co-parent. Those that can't co-parent get their parenting rights restricted.

Good idea - thank you!

[PeteWitsend]

I know many of us who have gone through a divorce with a BP spouse have had to face false allegations of some type of abuse, and that's currently present in our case. Have any of you seen example of negative repercussions against the BP for the false allegations, and if so, how did you make that happen?

I don't think there are repercussions - beyond the pwBPD losing credibility - unless their false accusations rise to the level of a crime - like a fake 911 call -, or during the divorce proceeding  they actually involve third parties who's opinions bear on the outcome of your case, as in ForeverDad's example.

It's hard to know what to do about them otherwise; I think petty false accusations, like "Please stop giving our child so much candy" should probably best be ignored.

More serious accusations, such as false claims of abuse, should probably be confronted in some way. 

[mart555]

Is it a bad choice if I don't file? Am I telling her it's ok by doing that? I know that's probably the case but what can I do as her husband? We have 2 houses together and can't even sell one of them right now. I was actually sad that she removed me from her Amazon prime account today.

She would not hesitate to throw you under the bus.  Once you are truly out of the GOF (fear, obligation, guilt), things will clear up a bit for you.  Cover your ass my friend.

[ForeverDad]

Is it a bad choice if I don't file? Am I telling her it's ok by doing that? I know that's probably the case but what can I do as her husband? We have 2 houses together and can't even sell one of them right now. I was actually sad that she removed me from her Amazon prime account today.

Probably yes.  And yes.  Frankly, if you continue married to her, look up the definition of Whipping Boy.  Her problems, but you get punished.

Whether or how to sell a house?  Your lawyer can guide you on that, or can recommend someone more experienced on complicated issues.  Whatever you end up doing, it will likely bring some pain with it.  However, do you want some pain now, or even more pain later?  I know, neither choice is a great one but ponder which choice is a "less bad" one.

Be careful, you don't want to Gift Away too much in assets or leverage.  Always consult your lawyer on substantive financial matters.

On the other hand, her cutting off your access to an online subscription is not a serious matter, legally speaking.  But it does show how willing she is to add to your pain just for spite and distract you from the bigger issues.