Accused of abuse and gaslighting

[Thisguyruns]

My partner has bpd.  When i get upset, annoyed, angry etc she accuses me of gaslighting and being abusive. Her examples? Me asking her to stop interrupting me.  Me not cleaning up things she throws out of anger. Me asking her to respond to what i actually said, instead of her internal monologue of things i absolutely was not saying.   Me getting upset at her unnecessary snarky comments.  Me asking her to stay on topic instead of bringing up unrelated things she was mad at a year ago. The list goes on.  She has, thrown things at me. Hit me. Smashed my things. Etc.    Ive never done anything close to that.  But according to her, her therapist says i am an abuser.   Its so maddening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

Anger is a very helpful emotion because you realize your partner is abusive.

That, IMO, is the first step to healing. 

Now that you know your partner is mentally ill, where do you hope to go from here?

It is misery to be the partner of a person wBPD.  You have every right to be angry.  You don't deserve the abuse.

Let this site be a resource.

[bugwaterguy]

This all sounds very familiar and typical of people with BPD. 

What are you doing to self-care?  You do not deserve to be abused in this way.

Have you read "Stop Walking On Eggshells"?  Or another book on BPD?

You mentioned what her therapist says - her therapist is not getting the entire picture.  Do you have your own therapist?

[Wilyred]

I remember the first time my partner called me abusive, it was horrible. How can this person who screams and curses at me, slams doors in my face, and accuses me of lying, cheating, etc be calling ME abusive? I learned it's classic bpd. Classic also is the flip side "If you ever call me abusive I will leave you." Time helps. I try not to react to the insults. For the most part it dies down. But it's hard not feeling resentful when you are called out and held to the fire for every mistake and pwBPD never takes responsibility for their own actions. Practicing mindfulness, self care, and taking space are what works for me.

[babyducks]

welcome thisguyruns,

I want to join the others in welcoming you to this website.    this is a supportive community where we have all experienced what you are describing.

I found it was very hard to communicate with my partner with a mental illness.   Conversations devolved into circular arguments that went round and round and never accomplished anything.    The more I tried to logically explain, the more the conversation went off in circles and I got accused of stuff.    The skills and tools I used regularly to communicate didn't work.    

On the very top of this board, the second thread down is LESSONS.   Its pinned so that it always stays there.   If you jump into the LESSON thread you will find this link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

the link talks about ways to communicate.   I found it very helpful.

I hope you take a look and let us know what you think.

'ducks

[alterK]

This is a very common and very difficult BPD situation, thisguy. If there's any improvement to be made, it will have to be in you, because your W is too bound up in her own distress to be able to change at this stage.

These are all too familiar to those of us who have sought help and companionship here (including yrs truly)--see if I am wrong about any of these behaviors:
1) Becoming upset at small, even trivial things
2) Extreme defensive reactions, firing heavy artillery at the supposed enemy--you
3) Having little or no insight into her own problems
4) Projecting her rage onto you
5) Using a therapist only as a crutch, rather than trying learn how to get better (BPDers typically quite therapists that challenge them)

It sounds like she is coming from a place of such fear and distress that she is overwhelmed and unable to control her off-the-wall reactions. Her emotions are so intense that you cannot possibly tell her to see things reasonably. Her therapist could be naive, or she may not be hearing them properly, or maybe not accurately reporting.

There are strategies you can use to help calm your own natural distress, and possibly calm her as well. SWOE is a good place to start, and if you haven't read it, you will find it really helpful. In the "Tools" section of this website are several other books that are also excellent.

[therapete]

How long has your SO been in therapy? Has she jumped to new therapists regularly when they say things she doesn't like? Im just trying to determine the question you are seeking advice on. Its certainly maddening to be accused.