It is my fault

[sobe]

My 13 yo daughter is likely BPD among a number of other diagnoses and has been suicidal for months (if not years?) - has had 4 hospitalizations and a 42 day RTC stay in the past 2.5 months. 

I know in my heart that I caused this.  I wish I could go back in time and be more understanding, more validating, less angry, less frustrated.  Even recently I've gotten mad at her when I learned how she was lying to us about how she was feeling suicidal after being released from RTC.  I've never been physically abusive and have never called her names or anything like that. But, I have yelled at her in frustration including over some of her mental health issues. I've always tried to be a good mom - tried to do fun things, give her lots of love, attention, encourage her to do things she likes, hug her, get her help when she needs it.  But, I think that was all out-weighed by the moments when I got mad and yelled at her when she really needed someone to listen and understand.  She tells me constantly that she'll never talk to me about how she feels because I make her feel guilty and I get mad at her. 

I'm trying to be better now and help her any way I can.  I owe her that.  In the short phone calls I have with her each day, I'm trying to validate her in ways I read about in the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book.  I've told her I'm sorry and that I will do better.  It all seems like too little too late though.   I know she still needs me and my other daughter does too so I'm just trying to get through each day the best I can.  However, the pain of knowing I caused her to be the way she is almost too terrible to bear.  I guess I don't have any questions - I just needed someplace to talk about this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Sobe
You are in a really, really tough situation. Your daughter is so young and you have both been through a lot already.

I think you should know that one person doesn't cause another to have BPD. It is quite a complex illness that occurs when certain things - biological and environmental come together in certain individuals. Some children who are yelled at constantly don't develop BPD.

I can hear that you feel guilty about yelling etc and yes it would be great if we could all never ever yell at anyone. But the reality is that sometimes we can be so anxious and feel so powerless and frustrated that we lose control and yell.

And it is good to apologise and try hard to respond in other ways - as you are doing now as you learn more about how to interact with someone with BPD.

You will read other people's posts here that also say they feel guilty and to blame. It is often the case that someone with bpd blames the person closest to them for everything - every little thing - that is not right in their lives. It seems to be part of the illness.

So I just want to say to be careful not to become the focus of blame for your daughter. Keep in mind that none of us are perfect, but we do our best to support our children who have very complex emotional needs. We carry a huge burden of love and concern for them - we don't have to carry guilt or blame.

You will also read here how parents have done so much for their children, loved and cared for them, provided etc. But a bpd child seems to ignore all of this and point out one way - it could even be a very tiny event - and blame the parent for that. I can tell by the way my dd walks out of her room that she is looking for something to blame me for - and sure enough WHAM - a verbal explosion over why I left something here or there or why I didn't tell her I was out for a couple of hours (of course she can't see that she was asleep when I left and could have texted me any time to ask when I would be back!)

I am so glad that you are getting lots of information on how to interact with your loved daughter. And glad you have come here because you know you are not alone  . . .

[T0M]

Hello Sobe,

I don't want to criticize, and I'm surely not an expert. But to understand, I have some questions.

Can you say that a 13 year old child has BPD? Is that old enough to have a diagnosis like that? It might be. Autism can be diagnosed pretty soon. So maybe BPD also.

Can I conclude out of the fact that you feel guilty of causing her behavior, you also have BPD?

Whatever the answers to these questions, I think it is very brave of you to post them. And you realizing you do not always reacted in a way you should have, is already a very important insight. Some people never reach that insight. I think the best thing you can do when you feel angry, or have been angry is telling your daughter that it is coming from within you and that is is not caused by her.

I don't believe it is to late. But remember that every negative, needs 10 positives to be outbalanced it again.

Good luck

[Trying2Survive]

I feel this so deeply.  Thank you for sharing.  Its especially hard to sort through the things and ways we DID choose poor reactions when our children blame us for every single thing.  I have a hard time sorting that out in my own mind as well.  Especially since we already feel so guilty - when they vocalize YOU DID THIS - I believe her.

Even just this morning I yelled what is wrong with you as she missed another day of school.  My frustration.  My fears.  Completely wrong choice.  I know better.  I will spend the entire day/week who knows how long beating myself up for it.

Hugs to you mama.