She actually filed... Hope & BPD: A dangerous game to play chicken with

[DogMom2019]

Well Ladies & Gents... My BPD spouse actually filed for divorce. She sent me the waiver today, although incomplete & waiting on the case number and filing date, she actually did it. And it was on the day that I did not answer her back fast enough to a text she sent wondering if I was coming to see her. So now, guess what I am going to carry the blame that yet again, it was me not following suit that caused this.

Backstory: Spouse in military, married for 5 years together for 7 years. Aug 21 temporary military separation to only last until June 22. Since we separated, spouse has consistently threatened divorce, but then backtracks with words of kindness and gifts. Every year she cycles with this same behavior from Sept - Jan. The difference is I am not there physically to walk her thoughts and actions back. The 2 MC's that we went to told me that she displays 7 out of 9 traits, high functioning.

The visceral reaction that I had when I opened that email is something that I will never forget. It felt like I was being repeatedly run over by a Mach-truck with spikes for tires. I couldn't breathe, I vomited and then started shaking, sobbing, for so long that my legs fell asleep & butt got numb in the chair. For moments, I felt like if I could just sleep... This wouldn't hurt so bad.

Silly me, despite everything I have read on all the boards, especially from ForeverDad, I was still carrying HOPE that maybe, just maybe, my BPD spouse would be one of those who continued to be who she has been and just keep threatening divorce (with no action) until this work separation was over. Then when we reunite things would be better because I could use the tools that I've learned to create a better life for us. But she has actually filed.

I'm in shock and disbelief. I am sick to my stomach because with all the hope I had, it did not occur to me that she would actually run. Yeah, push me away, yeah pull me back, say untrue things, blame me for the failing of our marriage, have angry outbursts, tell her family that I didn't love her the right way, tell her friends that we've been separated for 6 months (not true as I have been fighting to keep this marriage alive the entire time), sending me gifts, texting & asking how am I doing & wondering what I am doing, asking if I am seeing anyone, deleting all of our pictures, getting a new dog, sending me money... None of that matter to me because I had the tools and I was just hoping and waiting that things would eventually settle, where I would be physically back with her and she (the pre-splitting of me) would return to me.

As for me...
Boundaries  low contact
Stopping the begging/pleading/crying/emailing/rationalizing what happened to her 
Validating & listening 
Being consistent 
Waiting out the storm 
Making sure she knew how important she was and that I'm not going anywhere, talking about our future
Taking time to take care of me by eating again (lost 20lbs and believe me on an already 139lb frame not a good look), exercising, mediating, diving back into my spirituality 
Giving her space to feel, putting her feelings back to her
Even some not so good things like telling her all of our counselors have suggested she has BPD
Spinning out of control and taking on some of her feelings and impulsivity in trying to save our marriage
Trying to quell my passive suicidal thoughts 
Vacillating between posting on this and the bettering board, literally spending HOURS on end in one day reading stories trying to find my solution and my voice in them 
Purchased all the BPD books that I could find
Joined support groups 
Learning about Radical Acceptance
Seeing a therapist twice a week 
Yes... All of this since Aug 2021.

I have tried almost everything that I came across to help get her to a time and space where we are together and she can see me and see us... See that nothing is amidst and all this was just temporary... Just hoping!

Hoping that by her scheduling therapy sessions on her own she will finally deal with the BPD. Hoping that her reading self-help relationship books will allow her to develop the proper relationship coping skills. Hoping that she would self-regulate and welcome us back with open arms. Hoping that she would remember what she said, that we are going to make it through this. Hoping that I would become strong enough to carry the both of us until she gets in a better head space. Hoping that I would see my smart, high-functioning, charismatic, silly, beautiful spouses' smile again. Hoping that this was all just a bad dream and I am going to wake up any minute now. Hoping that my body doesn't break down before I get back to her so I can show her that we can make it. Hoping that she hasn't permanently discarded me, that we were worth more than that. Hoping that the things I am doing, she sees and it brings her back to the center, back to me. Hoping that her seeking mental health help is about herself & building a better marriage and not about her next relationship. Hoping that when we get back together things will be different. Hoping that when she told me her "switch flipped" it wasn't really the end or at least I could find the right tools to flip it back. Hoping that she realizes that the "too safe, secure, and stable love" that she said I have for her is really what she needs. Hoping that by giving her control of where the marriage goes, she doesn't feel the need to run and it doesn't completely damage my self-respect. Hoping that our time together actually means something to her. Hoping that I and my fate with her was different than her ex's (something she's unsolicitedly told me several times). Hoping that by coming to visit she'll see that I am still here, fighting for her, and not giving up, she doesn't have to push me away. Hoping that she changes her mind about divorcing me.

And now, with her filing and getting a new pup to help "when she goes through her next move so she won't be alone," the BPD in her proved to a greater adversary at the game of chicken than my hoping we could make it.

Sorry for the long rant... It's just been one of those days. Any encouraging words or even "it's harsh but you need to hear it" words would be greatly appreciated.

[stolencrumbs]

Hey DogMom,
I haven't commented on your story, but I've followed along. First, I'm sorry this is all happening.

I don't think my comment is in either the "encouraging words" or "things you need to hear category." My first thought is to hold off on the "this is it" voice in your head. I don't say that to give you hope. As you know, that can be dangerous. But more just to emphasize that filing is just the first step in what, for many of us, was a very long process. It's a big step, for sure. But there are a lot more steps and a lot of time for BPD to rear it's head in all kinds of ways.

Second, looking at your checklist, there's maybe a bit of a contradiction between being consistent and also doing all of those things. What if you focused on two things--radical acceptance and being consistent? Accept that she has filed for divorce. Thats the reality. It is what it is. Then focus on how you want to handle that, and consistently act on that. I don't know exactly what that looks like, but somewhere in the neighborhood of letting her know it's not what you want, but that you'll proceed through the process as it moves along. Be who you are. Figure out how you want to navigate this. And be consistent in living and acting on those values.

I think there might be some value in accepting (not the outcome, just where things are right now),simplifying your approach, and trying to just be authentically you. 

[PeteWitsend]

Well, she sent you the waiver (presumably of service?)

But didn't actually file?  I'm not 100% sure about this, but I believe you file for divorce first, and are given a case number & filing date by the intake clerk immediately.  THEN you need to serve the other party or ask them to waive service (service is the process by which the other party is formally notified they have been sued).

Service, or waiver, starts the clock ticking on the case.

I've heard of people filing a complaint, but not actually serving notice on the counterparty (there's some strategy involved in that), but not asking for a waiver BEFORE filing.  

Did the waiver request come from an actual attorney or your partner here?

Regardless get an attorney of your own - NOW -and figure out exactly what's going on.  If she's serious about leaving then you need to be too.  

If she's not, if the threat of divorce  is just another a bullying tactic, you need to understand that as well.  And if it is just a bullying tactic, you need to decide whether youre comfortable being in a r/s with a partner that would escalate fights like this to go so far as to falsely threaten legal proceedings.

[alterK]

Tough indeed, DogMom. My ex filed for divorce after she had an alcoholic meltdown, tried to stab me, was arrested, had no memory of what happened, and decided I was the one who had attacked her. But getting the notice from her lawyer still took the wind out of my sails.

What Pete says is very sensible. It's unclear where you actually are in the legal process of divorce. Absolutely no matter what, you need to spend some bucks on a lawyer. If you haven't done it before, divorce is a legal dissolution of a contract and you need expert help, the same way you would need a doctor if you broke your arm.

Assuming your spouse goes ahead with a divorce, you do indeed have a long process of recovery ahead. Maybe it's premature to say this, but giving up hope for your marriage can eventually allow you to have a different kind of hope. Many of us here have been through divorces, survived, and concluded in the end we were much better off.

[DogMom2019]

Well, she sent you the waiver (presumably of service?)

But didn't actually file?  I'm not 100% sure about this, but I believe you file for divorce first, and are given a case number & filing date by the intake clerk immediately.  THEN you need to serve the other party or ask them to waive service (service is the process by which the other party is formally notified they have been sued).

Service, or waiver, starts the clock ticking on the case.

I've heard of people filing a complaint, but not actually serving notice on the counterparty (there's some strategy involved in that), but not asking for a waiver BEFORE filing.  

Did the waiver request come from an actual attorney or your partner here?

Regardless get an attorney of your own - NOW -and figure out exactly what's going on.  If she's serious about leaving then you need to be too.  

If she's not, if the threat of divorce  is just another a bullying tactic, you need to understand that as well.  And if it is just a bullying tactic, you need to decide whether you're comfortable being in a r/s with a partner that would escalate fights like this to go so far as to falsely threaten legal proceedings.

Thank you for this response, PeteWitsend! When I read it... I took a few deep breaths and settled myself. I started looking up TX divorce steps. And you were on to something. I looked at the Petition she sent me and she signed it but it hasn't been notarized, there are ;no court numbers, clerk/judge signatures, not an official citation, no filed-stamped copy, nothing. It looks as if it was downloaded from the internet, filled out by her at home, and then sent to me via email. And the email came from her, no clerk's office, no lawyers office, not even forwarded from one. So I think you may be correct with your insight... It may just be a bully tactic. And if so, my marriage has spiraled out much further than I anticipated.

[DogMom2019]

Hey DogMom,
I haven't commented on your story, but I've followed along. First, I'm sorry this is all happening.

I don't think my comment is in either the "encouraging words" or "things you need to hear category." My first thought is to hold off on the "this is it" voice in your head. I don't say that to give you hope. As you know, that can be dangerous. But more just to emphasize that filing is just the first step in what, for many of us, was a very long process. It's a big step, for sure. But there are a lot more steps and a lot of time for BPD to rear it's head in all kinds of ways.

Second, looking at your checklist, there's maybe a bit of a contradiction between being consistent and also doing all of those things. What if you focused on two things--radical acceptance and being consistent? Accept that she has filed for divorce. Thats the reality. It is what it is. Then focus on how you want to handle that, and consistently act on that. I don't know exactly what that looks like, but somewhere in the neighborhood of letting her know it's not what you want, but that you'll proceed through the process as it moves along. Be who you are. Figure out how you want to navigate this. And be consistent in living and acting on those values.

I think there might be some value in accepting (not the outcome, just where things are right now),simplifying your approach, and trying to just be authentically you. 

I appreciate you, StolenCrumbs! Sometimes, it takes someone else to see your missteps. You are right, with all of this, I have not been consistent with being consistent... I get frustrated and/or hurt and look to a new approach, something has to work, almost desperate to figure it out. I realize that I am riding the emotional rollercoaster with her and as much energy that I am using to hold on, I probably should put that energy into just standing still and practicing acceptance. "And this too..." THANKS!