Hi all,
I apologize in advance but this will be a lengthy post as I want to put out everything I can about my situation so I can get some feedback
To start, I am a gay man who met my partner June last year.
My partner had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship with someone who was mentally, physically, financially and emotionally abusive to my partner. My partner was also emotionally and physically abused by his mother growing up. My partner is younger than I am by 10 years. We started dating about a month after his split from his abusive ex. My partner has never been diagnosed with BPD but after a few arguments that we've had, and some researching I've come to the conclusion that's what is going on. He shuts down very easily, he self medicates, he is quick to anger, and he has a very hard time dealing with his emotions.
Our relationship in the beginning:
As I said we started our relationship last spring, and everything was seemingly going well. He was caring and attentive, we get along well, he met my family and I met his. Come October I had to go to work (Im a commercial sailor, I leave for 5 weeks at a time) I noticed he started to become distant about 2 weeks before I left. I asked him and he would say nothing is wrong but there was something definitely going on. I come to find out his abusive ex had contacted him but he swears up and down that he would never talk to him again. 2 days after I leave, he is being a bit bizarre in his conversations, and finally admits that after I left he went and had sex with his ex partner. He promises he will never do it again. 2 days after discussing it back and forth, and him promising he wants to be with me, he ghosts me. Deletes me off all social media and I don't hear from him. I call his family and they tell me he won't talk to them or what's going on. I try to call, I try to message him and tell him we can make it work, no response. So I finally give up, I stop texting and calling. 3 days after that he messages me and after some discussions, we decide to work it out as long as he starts going to counselling.
Everything after that was perfect. I spend Xmas with his family, we went on a vacation together, and there was nothing in my mind that made it seem like everything was wrong. I love him to death, and by his actions I know he loves me as well.
Now lets fast forward to last week.
On Feb 18th apparently his abusive ex made a new instagram and messaged him. He told me the following day. He tells me he told him to
PLEASE READ off and blocked and deleted him, and was going to just delete instagram all together. I'm a little annoyed that his ex is still harassing him but I tell him I love him and I appreciated him being honest with me about it and it's not his fault his ex messaged him. He acted a bit strange over that weekend, kept sending him snap chats of himself where he looked sad, but when I'd ask he wouldn't tell me anything was wrong. Sunday he tells me he is going to his friends birthday party, he messages me when he gets there and sends me a few snaps. I can tell there is something wrong just by the way he is respond. I ask him whats wrong, he says nothing, I say are you sure and he swears up and down everything is ok. I got a weird vibe from it so I check his instagram that he told me he deleted, and surprise, its still active and it says he's online. I ask him about it, he tells me its not him. I say well either you're on it or it's been hacked. He swears up and down its not him. He says "I dont know if we can do this anymore, I think we need some time apart it will be good for us". I tell him its not a big deal Im just trying to get to the bottom of it as I obviously have some trust issues from when he cheated. I tell him that I think he may go back to his ex during this "alone time" and he flips out. He says he will never see his ex again, and that he doesn't want to talk about it. I give him the Sunday night to cool off. Wake up Monday, no message from him, see he is online on snapchat. I say "so are we going to talk about this" He says "No, and I'm coming to get my stuff". I'm shocked. He shows up an hour later with his buddy, packs up his stuff without saying a word and leaves. I send him a message on snapchat saying he left behind some stuff, He leaves me on read. He then deletes me off snapchat and I haven't heard a word from him since. I've sent him a text everyday since then telling him I love him, that I'm there for him and we can work through whatever is going on. I've talked to his family and they all say he won't say a word to them about it. Apparently he had therapy this past Saturday.
I'm lost. I'm devestated. I don't know what to do or expect. We had so many plans for the future. Yes, most people would tell me to let him go but I just can't. He's been through so much hurt and I want him to have a good life. I know I'm not responsible for his happiness but I can't help wanting to be there for him. It's been 7 days since I heard from him. I decided to "leave the ball in his court" and the last message I sent him was on Sunday. I don't know what to expect or do. I had to go to crisis counselling yesterday. I still have some of his stuff, and it's not easily replaceable for him. I know most of you are going to think he ran back to his ex, but after talking to his family they tell me he has been with them the whole time since he left.
Any insight, responses, criticism, anything would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
