BPD sister is not getting help, keeps harassing me and parents use me as bait

[berry.b]

  Hi, this is my first post and I'm so glad I found this forum. Firstly I'm 23 and I'm getting my master's degree in clinical psychology. I recently had to move back home because of covid and financial issues and currently living with my parents. My sister (who does not live with us) started to actively harass me in every way since I moved back home. she would call me and text me constantly to the point I can't use my phone anymore because of all the missed calls and texts and emails. blocking her would only provoke her more and she would try every other communication channel to threaten me and call me names. she would reach my friends, bosses, or colleagues on Instagram and text them pages long ridiculous and childish essays about how disgusting I am, and they should abandon or fire me. Because of the nature of my job, my friends and colleagues are also mostly from mental health/psychology backgrounds so it is easier to explain and they are understanding, but it doesn't change the fact that how anxious this situation makes me. And my parents, just like they did throughout our childhood, ignores this problem and tells me to deal with it since I am the "therapist" . when she goes to complain and scream about me to our parents, they shrug her off telling how she is so right, and i am so wrong to calm her down. when i ask them why they do this even though they know her behavior is wrong, they say they dont want to deal with her outbursts and shrugging off is easier for them and I should better be dealing with her as i am the therapist. now that i cant take it anymore and decided to go no contact with my sister all hell broke loose. i am getting backlash from every family member but i cant live with this stress anymore. i dont know what to do and any help would be great. thank you

[Pleasantea]

Hey, there. I just found these forums, myself and saw your post.

The first thing I'd say is if you aren't already seeing a therapist already, it might help--even therapists need therapists sometimes (maybe even especially). In your instance, family therapy would probably be ideal but I understand that can be difficult to pull off. It sounds to me like your parents feel overwhelmed  dealing with your sister and find it difficult to make room for your feelings as well.

When family members have to take sides, the impulse can often be "damage control"--if they "take your side", your sister might lash out at them, but if they "take her side", they might think you are able to handle it.

One thing that might be helpful is approaching your family about your feelings in general, not specifically in regards to your sister. If conflict is brought in, your parents might have a defensive instinct to fight back against what you're saying in defense of your sister and of themselves (not harming their currently stable relationship with her--something difficult to maintain with someone with BPD). Bringing up your own emotional vulnerabilities in isolation could be easier for them to handle. Based on your post, it seems you aren't the emotional rock they want you to be, and that's ok.

If you find it difficult to get support from your family, and family therapy isn't an option, having a therapist you can talk to yourself becomes that much more important. It's not easy dealing with these kinds of circumstances, and there's no shame in lacking the strength to handle it all yourself and looking for help. Thanks for reaching out.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi berry.b

I just wanted to extend you a warm welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are going though this.

Based on your post, I would like to ask you a few more question as to the family dynamics...

The way I understand it, your sister sees you as competition? Was jealousy and competition a common thing between you two growing up?

This kind of dynamics rarely appears out of nowhere... Did your parents somehow encourage competition between you two? How was she treated by them? How were you treated by them growing up?

In abusive families, scapegoating is a common practice. In your degree, have you come across the Karpman Triangle yet?

I don't know if your family was abusive, but seeing how hateful and spiteful your sister seems to be, I find it hard to believe this kind of behavior wasn't strongly encourage when she was young...

So... How are YOU doing at your parents house right now? How are YOU feeling? How are they treating you?

Calling you her "therapist", it feels like they are somehow belittling you? Please correct me if I am wrong and if they are: do not let them.  Do not let them take away and laugh at your achievements.

I get the sense there is much more going in here than your sister's attitude toward you...

I hope you are ok.

[berry.b]

Hey, Pleasantea. Thank you for your reply, it means a lot.

Fortunately, I am in therapy for almost 5 years and counting. I agree it would be impossible to handle all these things without therapy. I have tried talking to them about my feelings in every way possible, but even when they finally accept that I am in great pain, not exaggerating anything and it's not fair to me, the minute my sister creates another crisis, they cave in and forget everything we discussed, even deny that my sister has a serious problem and almost beg me to deal this situation for them. They are also never stable about my sister's condition, which doesn't help anything.

From day one, they never set any boundaries or limits for my sister because they didn't know how to handle a crisis like that, so they just gave her what she wanted and moved on. But during our childhood, they seemed to realize I somehow managed to stay stable and endure her abuse and this gave them the help and space they needed so instead of helping a vulnerable child they just let it be. Now that I am no longer willing to endure this they get angry like I took their right or something.
So I don't think family therapy is something that we can pull off either. So I came to the conclusion that the best would be cut her off at this point, hope can pull this off. Thank you for your insight.

[berry.b]

Hi berry.b

I just wanted to extend you a warm welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are going though this.

Based on your post, I would like to ask you a few more question as to the family dynamics...

The way I understand it, your sister sees you as competition? Was jealousy and competition a common thing between you two growing up?

This kind of dynamics rarely appears out of nowhere... Did your parents somehow encourage competition between you two? How was she treated by them? How were you treated by them growing up?

In abusive families, scapegoating is a common practice. In your degree, have you come across the Karpman Triangle yet?

I don't know if your family was abusive, but seeing how hateful and spiteful your sister seems to be, I find it hard to believe this kind of behavior wasn't strongly encourage when she was young...

So... How are YOU doing at your parents house right now? How are YOU feeling? How are they treating you?

Calling you her "therapist", it feels like they are somehow belittling you? Please correct me if I am wrong and if they are: do not let them.  Do not let them take away and laugh at your achievements.

I get the sense there is much more going in here than your sister's attitude toward you...

I hope you are ok.

Hi, Riv3rW0lf. Thank you so much for your reply and kind words.

Yes, my sister does see me as a competition and our parents did actively feed the vicious jealousy and competition cycle between us growing up. They saw her as the problem child, praised me-but only if I kept enduring her problems and abuse. So I kept acting like a pillow for her problems just to get the praise, while the praise caused my sister to be more hostile and jealous of me. It was just the sickest dynamic.

About the Karpman's Triangle, yes I am familiar with it. Sadly in this dynamic everyone adapting their roles are only strengthening the ill cycle and I'm finally attempting to break it.

While I can't say she has BPD, my mother also has some borderline personality traits and she was neglectful and abusive throughout our childhood. My dad is kind of a pushover character compared to my mom and he was just absent, avoidant, and dismissive.

Right now my parents and I don't really talk because of all these things, mostly because I refuse to. My dad tries to guilt trip me to talk to them and my sister, while my mom demonizes me one second and tries to casually converse with me the next (said bpd traits).
I am trying to claim my life back and doing better with my own therapy
going on, but I hope it will be better.

I don't think they are trying to belittle me by calling me the therapist, instead, I think they are trying to make me feel incompetent as a therapist because I didn't handle my sister for them and again guilt trip me to parent their child for them.

Thank you for your insight and concern, I really hope I will be better.

[Riv3rW0lf]

And so ... Since you are currently living with your parents, is it possible that your current anxiety stems from proximity with them, i.e. your parents maybe even more so than your sister?

Seeing how your mother has BPD raises the question of the Golden Child (you) VS the scapegoat (your sister). Neither role is healthy, nor easy to live by, and both results in a loss of self and high inner demand/critic.

I am just pushing some thoughts here... I was a healthy mother of two, starting her own business, I was doing well and going back to visit my mother for an extended period resulted in me completely losing myself. It opened up my childhood trauma, from which I had been actively running from, or dissociated from, most of my adult life. I just never realized how deep my mother had wounded me. When I met my husband 6 years ago, I thought my father was the problem. I now know my mother was, but I just couldn't face it.

So again, just pushing some thoughts here... Is your sister really the source of your current anxiety? It is so easy to project our inner struggles onto the wrong thing, in order to keep us from actually looking at the real source of our pain...  That's what I did, because it was easier to blame my father than my mother, whom I was and am still deeply scared of because of past trauma.

I am saying all this from a place of love and kindness, take whatever feels right, and leave the rest.

Hugs