Lay down the hammer

[T0M]

I actually found something that seems to work.

I thought that when my GF has the emotional baggage of a toddler, I might break the issues I have with her behavior down to what a toddler might understand.

So I told her that every time she was insulting me, accusing me or whatever, it feels as if she hit me on the hand with a hammer. I said that I could try to absorb the blows (dealing with her), pull my hand away (leaving her) but that the best thing would be, that she would stop hammering.

She than said that I did the same to her. And I anticipated this. So I told her: 'If you hit me on the hand with a hammer, I will indeed push you away because you are hurting me, and that is also wrong, but if you would stop hammering, I would not need to push you away.'

The day after she even used my metaphor to  put a hold on her behavior that was spiraling down again. she said: 'O, I think I'm picking up the hammer again.' At first I thought she was being sarcastic, but she actually turned her behavior around.

Not saying its waterproof, and it will work for everyone, but at the moment (3 days later which is a long time without any arguments) it still stands.  

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[Jabiru]

Hi T0M, sounds like good progress.

When things get too tense for me, I say I need some time to myself and that I'll be back in X minutes, usually 60 minutes, then simply exit the room. It's important to follow through as it sets a precedent for the pwBPD. Be gentle on yourself and takes breaks whenever it gets too tense. 

[So many questions]

The stepping away seemed like the only thing that worked. She would wallow in her feelings and come out and say thank you for giving me that time.

The only issue, sometimes she was at fault or very in the wrong, and I had to repress my emotions just to avoid an outburst. And

Those repressed feelings would eventually come out.
And at one point walking out the room was used against me as and invalidated her “you just started doing that, it’s weird. What are you hiding? You don’t even care about my feelings.”

Unless they’re aware and willing to work on themselves, nothing works.