Tageting friends. What is happening?

[Anonymous53]

Hello there

Finally getting better after 4 months post breakup (I did the breaking up) with an ex girlfriend with uBPD. However, she continues to try to antagonize me in different ways, and I am quite confused about her intensions. I have been NC since the breakup.

Since the breakup she:
- instantly posted pictures on instagram about how happy she was with her life
- Then unfriended me from all social media
- Then  blocked me everywhere
- Then texted me from another mans number in the middle of the night
- Then phoned me from different  numbers and said nothing when I picked up
- Then unblocked me on all social medias
- Then “strangers” started to try and befriend me on social medias
- Then the coincidental “bumping in to me” started, and when this happened she was very nice and wouldn’t leave again
- Then the hot and cold behaviour (ignores me/try to contact me)
- Then she posted pictures to make me jealous (sexy pictures) on instagram
- And just recently she has liked two of my friends on Tinder. She doesn’ even know them, and she has formerly told me that they are not at all her type, but she is very well aware that they are my friends.

So my question is:  Did she try to match with my friends on Tinder because she is trying to get me to contact her,, or is she trying to actually hurt me (I think I am still painted white, as she is always very clingy/nice when she “bumps into me”)?

[Anonymous53]

Hello there

Finally getting better after 4 months post breakup (I did the breaking up) with an ex girlfriend with uBPD. However, she continues to try to antagonize me in different ways, and I am quite confused about her intensions. I have been NC since the breakup.

Since the breakup she:
- instantly posted pictures on instagram about how happy she was with her life
- Then unfriended me from all social media
- Then  blocked me everywhere
- Then texted me from another mans number in the middle of the night
- Then phoned me from different  numbers and said nothing when I picked up
- Then unblocked me on all social medias
- Then “strangers” started to try and befriend me on social medias
- Then the coincidental “bumping in to me” started, and when this happened she was very nice and wouldn’t leave again
- Then the hot and cold behaviour (ignores me/try to contact me)
- Then she posted pictures to make me jealous (sexy pictures) on instagram
- And just recently she has liked two of my friends on Tinder. She doesn’ even know them, and she has formerly told me that they are not at all her type, but she is very well aware that they are my friends.

So my question is:  Did she try to match with my friends on Tinder because she is trying to get me to contact her,, or is she trying to actually hurt me (I think I am still painted white, as she is always very clingy/nice when she “bumps into me”)?

[PeteWitsend]

...

So my question is:  Did she try to match with my friends on Tinder because she is trying to get me to contact her,, or is she trying to actually hurt me (I think I am still painted white, as she is always very clingy/nice when she “bumps into me”)?

Maybe both?  Seems like she is definitely trying to make you jealous, and so she is clearly not over it.  Whether her goal is to try to hurt you back, for the sake of spite, or actually get back together, who knows?  I wouldn't spend too much time trying to understand what a BPD-er is planning.  It's often an exercise in futility.  Heck, she probably doesn't even know what she wants, and is just operating on really immature impulses here of jealousy, regret, anger, etc.

I'd just continue to go NC and avoid her like the plague.  But be honest with your friends why you dumped her if they ask, and mention how she's continued to behave.  Sounds like you dodged a bullet by getting out of this r/s. 

You might need to start taking more serious measures to avoid her though, if her harassing/stalking behavior goes from merely annoying to potentially or actually harmful.  I've seen stories here where the BPD-ex starts showing up at the Nons work, or texting their boss and trying to get them fired, etc.  I've never heard of that succeeding, but it can certainly be embarassing and lead others to question your judgment. 

[Anonymous53]

Hey Pete

Thank you for your response. I think you are right in the assumption that she is definitely not over it. I know for a fact that I was her most “loved” boyfriend ever. Also, I am a true copy of her farther, whom I believe to be the root cause of her bpd, as she has mentioned several times that he was never around when she was a child. I was also her friend and favorite person before we got together as a couple. She told me weekly that she had never loved anybody as much as she loved me and that she has never trusted anyone like she did with me.

Due to this, I am also wondering how bad it will get if I am actually painted all black, and whether I should message her a kind text to ease her abandonment feelings. I have blocked her everywhere for about a month now and it seems that her efforts in trying to get my attention has only increased afterwards. She isn’t seeing anyone else, but has tried to make me jealous in every possible way (it has worked for her before, as we got back together after i broke up with her for two weeks half a year ago). I think she is to ashamed to contact me directly and instead she is doing all this weird stuff to make me contact her. So maybe the NC will only make her even more angry and vengeful if I am suddenly painted all black? Should I go LC instead to soften the blow?

[PeteWitsend]

I don't know if LC is better than NC.

But I think you may be making a mistake in trying to attribute motives & reactions of a non-disordered person to a disordered one.

In my own experience, trying to be "nice" or "fair" resulted in me getting dumped on even more.  

I also question whether they honestly share their feelings and are even capable of feeling some of the things they claim.  

For example, while my BPDxw was messaging me, begging me to call off the divorce, saying she hadn't stopped crying for a week, saying it wasn't what she wanted, she had apparently told a mutual friend that she said all that because she just didn't want to go through a divorce, and pay for a lawyer for herself, but didn't actually love me or care.

Yet During our marriage, she was - of course - constantly claiming I would never love her enough.  But why care if I loved her or not if she didn't love me?  Why not just focus on whether her needs were met and be happy with things being well enough?

And After I moved out, She had a new guy within a month or so and moved him in the house, telling me (much later, after the divorce was finalized) that she finally had a man who loved her.  

But she told another mutual friend before this she was annoyed with him b/c she had to pay for his back surgery (he had no insurance), and she didn't really love him but just needed a man around.  

So... I could go crazy trying to figure out what she was really thinking and trying to base my behavior off that.  I learned to focus on what I needed and just do that.  she'd be unhappy with me and hate me regardless, and I couldn't do anything about that.