Poem: My Mum leaves me in the dust, in her blind spot, w/ the weight of the hate

[CryingGame]

Friends, I couldn't sleep and got up and this came out. Guess I've grown and learned a thing or two this time around. What a sad sad sound, the sound of hitting the ground ... But we must carry on and live in the present moment with the good that we have and keep moving forward. Time does heal. I wish you all Peace.
 
Story, February 2022

My mother loves me, she does
but she has a blind spot
In that blind spot she leaves me, in the dust
She hits the gas and spins out fast, never coming back
She forgets that I'm sitting in the back

She forgets that she loves me
She doesn't know I want her back
The mother who loves me
I carry her on my back
She is heavy
As heavy as hate
I carry the weight

My mother, grandmother and great
All had the weight
From too much comfort of food and whiskey
And the weight of the hate

I see back in time1939, the mother of mine
She has her own ache
It's delivered to her by a war
Her father is gone, her mother drinks on
And closes the door on her little girl
The little girl is angry and mad
It will always be very sad

Now she's to be 83 and
She thinks, once again, that she hates me
She loves me, She hates me
It's Jekyl, It's Hyde
The mother that makes me
I have nowhere to hide

I'm old now myself, on my way with my gray
She doesn't believe me
She won't let it in
I lover her, I need here and 
It feels like sin

My mother was here
For 3 years and a bit more
Gone before that for 12 years, first time was 7
Are these numbers real?
How can they be so?
What mother lives on planet earth
Under the same stars as the daughter she birthed
But closes the door, some more

What mother is this, I see in the news
There's reasons for this, and it isn't just booze
It's written in books and on the internet too
It isn't my fault, I am not to blame
There are many others who feel the same
They feel the pain
They feel the same

I know them, I do
They are me and they are you
We are here and we're real
We're true and we care
It's a journey we must make
From here to there

There is a time and a place
That we will be
Growing our life as big as can be
But we'll cry 'cause we'll have to
To get there from here
We'll cry 'cause we must
To break through the rust

The rust in our brains
That wants to cause shame
We must fight the pain so we can reclaim
Our Self as we are, strong and scarred
Our Self as we are, beautiful yet marred

Hold tight something to love
Just as they should have with you
Hold tight something worthy
To care for on your journey
Hold on to your Self
Let her cry
It will get better
By and by

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you for sharing your writing here. I like how it ends with hope and action, to build our own live, to break the cycle.

I am just beginning my healing journey and I feel completely overwhelmed. My only comfort right now is knowing that, despite my irritable mood, despite my impatience when I am in a flashback, which truly is most of the time, the violence of my mother also made me very good to control myself and keep the rage in, so I can safely say that my daughter did not suffer any abuse.

I have so much work to do to start feeling good myself, but at least, my daughter is assertive, she knows her limits and she knows it is safe to state them. I've at least done that right, despite the things I say here and there, that comes from my mother... I heard myself ask her if she wanted me to leave her there... She said no, and I said, then walk, I am tired of waiting and it's cold. And I immediately told her: I am sorry, you know I would never just leave you alone, right? It is sh*tty when this kind of things happen, but I think it isn't frequent enough that it will leave a trace. I read a good enough childhood is enough to make them healthy grown ups. I have to remember that... To be good enough.

Truly making my best here, it is getting really hard, standing in front of pandera's box, knowing I am about to open it... I am not sure I want to feel all of it just yet, but I know I must, for my children.

So again, thank you for the hopeful ending to your poem. A sad start, but hopefully a peaceful exit.

[Methuen]

I think your poem could be published.  It’s amazing. Thanks for sharing.

[madeline7]

Poignant, and hopeful. Thank you for sharing. I will read it over and over and the last 2 lines will bring me clarity and hope.

[lm1109]

Amazing poem! Journaling/writing/poetry is one of my favorite ways to heal. There is nothing better than turning pain into something beautiful! You have a real gift, I hope you continue to write and share! 

[CryingGame]

Thank you so very much for reading my poem and replying.

RiverWolf, your daughter is fortunate and as a mother myself I really appreciate what you wrote. I'm feeling the painful connection from my mom, to me in my own pain and to my adult child in their pain. It's very harsh, rejoice your child is still young, so much benefit to reap!

Just feel very down, heavy hearted. The world events of war make the war with my mother even the more worse to me. I guess many are feeling such heavy things these days and in shock at what's happening.

I have been much more resilient than this at times and I look forward to that coming back.

Pain and grief and living in this world can be so immense. hugs to all

[lm1109]

Just feel very down, heavy hearted. The world events of war make the war with my mother even the more worse to me. I guess many are feeling such heavy things these days and in shock at what's happening.

I have been much more resilient than this at times and I look forward to that coming back.

Pain and grief and living in this world can be so immense.

Agreed! The world events/collective pain is definitely taking its toll! It's hard to see/hear about it all, while also processing immense personal pain! It's a lot of trauma...and it seems like it's hitting most everyone that I know! So..you're not alone in that!

[Riv3rW0lf]

I shut the rest of the world down. No facebook, no news. I take my world news from my husband, so it is filtered through his grounded nature.

I would highly recommend. I feel much better.

[CryingGame]

Thank you IM, well put.

Riverwolf, that sounds like a good plan!