Parallel Parenting Plan

[sterlingblue]

Does anyone here have experience implementing a Parallel Parenting plan with their BPD ex?  During the first 6 months of our separation, it has become clear that my ex wants to control pretty much everything the kids do.  Whenever I make a suggestion, her first instinct is to shoot it down.  She also behaved this way while we were married, which is a major reason I moved out in the first place.  Therefore, I worry that without an explicit Parallel Parenting plan, I will have little to no say in how my children are raised.

[CoherentMoose]

Hello.
My fiancé is having to parallel parent.  Any engagement with her ex always turns into a negative experience.  Fortunately, when she divorced, she had a parenting plan created by CustodyXchange for a baseline that was attached to the divorce decree.  It took several months of negations through the lawyers to get an agreed to plan but she was able to get one.    While the plan is not a legal document, it was used to establish the "big rock" rules for custody sharing outside of the basics mandated by the court order.  Her plan is a 50/50 custody sharing plan (currently set to week on, week off schedule) and it clearly spells out who is responsible for what.  We've had to go to court once to clarify several items like her ex incessantly calling the children during her custody time and how many vacations could be taken.  I expect we'll be going back to court again next year as he seems to think the rules stated in the court order do not apply to him; however, the experience of taking him to court really helped to set clearer guidelines both parents are to follow. 

Suggest you take a look at CustodyXchange and go through answering the questions to give you an idea of the options you have for generating your parallel parenting plan.  If it's of benefit, you can then pay for the product.  We found it very beneficial.

Good luck.  CoMo

[ForeverDad]

How well you're able to Parallel Parent depends on the court order you get, starting with the "temporary" order that is typically issued on the first hearing in domestic court.

Be aware that the first hearings are often brief and follow standard procedures.  My temp order hearing was about a half hour.  My lawyer shushed me, whispering, "We'll fix it later."  Well, my divorce temp order, more or less standard format defaulting to mother, was in effect for nearly two years, without a single change.  No one, not the court, not even the lawyers, wanted to fix the holes in the temp court order.  And believe me, my stbEx created some new ones too.

So a proactive approach is to build a list of the more important issues, in priority order, likely you will not have time to address them all.

Obviously your ex is not respecting your boundaries.  That's because you two have equal standing as parents.  She doesn't have to listen to you.  On the other hand, you both have to listen to the court.  With your proactive input, the court's temp order with the authority of the court behind it is a legal way to set strong boundaries that your ex should hesitate to violate.

[GaGrl]

As much as possible, have the court-ordered parenting plan be specific as to which parent has decision-making in which area. Joint custody, in a co-parenting agreement, means that both parents must agree on decisions in the areas of education, medical and dental care, counseling when needed, religion, etc. You could instead have decision-making in important areas assigned to specific parents. So...you might have residential status for education and ed decisions, plus counseling and dental/orthodontics. And perhaps your ex would have medical and religion. It doesn't mean you don't communicate on those topics, but there is a specific decision-maker.

[CoherentMoose]

 means that both parents must agree on decisions in the areas of education, medical and dental care, counseling when needed, religion, etc. You could instead have decision-making in important areas assigned to specific parents.

We live this.  Unfortunately, for the court in our area, you have to have a good body of evidence in order to deviate from both parent agreeing.  As much as possible, agree to working with your STBx, but fight for as much "tie breaker" status as much as possible.  We spent a year attempting to get the children into therapy and documented 15 attempts that were either ignored or thwarted.  We had to go to court to force him to sign the paperwork for therapy.  And to limit calling the children whenever he wanted when they were in our custody.  Document, document, document.  It comes in handy.  Good luck. CoMo