Need support

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am new here and very happy to have found this group.
My 23-year-old daughter has many BPD traits though no formal diagnosis.  She recently began DBT therapy but decided to stop after a few sessions as she didn't like the work sheets, etc. and didn't think she was developing a relationship with the therapist.  She has been reluctant to consider therapy at all.

She is usually very high functioning--graduated from college and has been accepted to law school.  She has always been very sensitive and sometimes difficult, but just in the past few years begun to exhibit these symptoms and traits.  In addition, she recently suffered a serious injury and has been forced to come back home to recover.

When she is having an episode most of her rage and anger is directed toward me and I am getting better at not taking this personally and being more empathetic as I understand a bit more about what is going on with her.  But I am her primary support--although she has friends, there are none she can rely on when she is feeling bad.  I need to get better at validating her feelings and helping her regulate her emotions but I'm not sure how to do that. I find myself apologizing alot since it seems to be something I've done (or not done) that has triggered her symptoms. 
Also, how can I best get other family members--my husband, son and other daughter--to help support her.  They are fairly intimidated by her behavior and either don't want to engage or are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.    Sorry for the very long post but we can use all the help and support we can get.  Thanks so much for being here--this situation is so isolating.  No one really understands, especially when they see how capable my daughter is most of the time.

[cgm mom]

I am new here and very happy to have found this group.
My 23-year-old daughter has many BPD traits though no formal diagnosis.  She recently began DBT therapy but decided to stop after a few sessions as she didn't like the work sheets, etc. and didn't think she was developing a relationship with the therapist.  She has been reluctant to consider therapy at all.

She is usually very high functioning--graduated from college and has been accepted to law school.  She has always been very sensitive and sometimes difficult, but just in the past few years begun to exhibit these symptoms and traits.  In addition, she recently suffered a serious injury and has been forced to come back home to recover.

When she is having an episode most of her rage and anger is directed toward me and I am getting better at not taking this personally and being more empathetic as I understand a bit more about what is going on with her.  But I am her primary support--although she has friends, there are none she can rely on when she is feeling bad.  I need to get better at validating her feelings and helping her regulate her emotions but I'm not sure how to do that. I find myself apologizing alot since it seems to be something I've done (or not done) that has triggered her symptoms. 
Also, how can I best get other family members--my husband, son and other daughter--to help support her.  They are fairly intimidated by her behavior and either don't want to engage or are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.    Sorry for the very long post but we can use all the help and support we can get.  Thanks so much for being here--this situation is so isolating.  No one really understands, especially when they see how capable my daughter is most of the time.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Welcome, cgm mom; glad you're here.

The first thing that I thought of when reading your post is -- if you are open to learning new ways to validate your uBPD (undiagnosed BPD) child, and want to be part of the solution of her taking responsibility for regulating her emotions, I wonder if you've checked out Family Connections:

https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/

Here is how they briefly describe what they offer:

The Family Connections™ program includes:
Education on BPD/ED treatments and the latest research findings .
Relationship skills based on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help support your person with BPD/ED with compassion and empathy.
Support from course leaders and other participants who also have a relationship with a person with BPD/ED.
Suggestions for taking care of yourself and managing your stress.
Effective communication techniques to promote problem collaboration and/or solving.

And yes, if you'd like to figure out how your family as a unit can deal with your D's challenging behaviors, yes, this could be a good fit.

It's so true that you can use all the support and help you can get. pwBPD are high-intensity people and can absolutely drain your emotional energy, no matter how much you love them. It can also be exhausting to deal with how sometimes they are pretty capable, yet at other times they absolutely aren't functional. So definitely check out FC, and also please feel free to post here any time you need to. This is a place where you don't have to "explain" why your child "seems OK" but you're a wreck. We get it here, and are glad you're in the group.

Let us know how you're doing;

kells76

[cgm mom]

Thanks for the suggestion kels76.  I actually had just submitted a request to participate in Family Connections.  I have watched some of the videos/webinars that are available on their website and they've been really helpful.  I find that no matter how much good information I can get, it's always hard to apply that in the moment when I am dealing with a difficult situation with my daughter.  It's like I need someone sitting on my shoulder telling me what to say.  It's so easy for a well intended thought or word to trigger something I was never expecting.  Also, I'm still coming to the realization that this is not something that will resolve itself and will need vigilance on my part, probably for the rest of my life.  Most importantly, I'm worried that my daughter will never be happy or be able to realize the things she'd like to accomplish in life.  That's so hard to accept.  I'm not hopeless but it's hard to know what's realistic for her--and for me.  Every time I'm able to let go of it just a bit, something else happens and the reality of the challenges she faces comes crashing back in.  Like all of us, I just wish I could take all this pain away but of course, that's not possible.
Thanks again.