my ex may want to work things out...

[aero0421]

So I had been posting in the detaching thread, and after the events of the past few weeks, it's less clear to me which way things are going with my relationship -- and what I want.

Very long story short, I was dating a person I believe to have BPD but she is undiagnosed (she has been in therapy for decades, both parents have personality disorders, and she has childhood trauma, fear of abandonment, intense shame, impulsive, the works).

We dated for 2 years while she was technically still married and in the process of leaving her husband. It started out incredible but turned very tumultuous and in April she sent me a cold, cruel email saying that it's over, she is much better off without me, etc. and refused to talk about it in person or on the phone. Discarded.

I only found out months later, via instagram, that she had immediately started a new relationship. She has never been single in her life, so not too surprising, but I was still heartbroken and furious. I sent her some very angry messages after discovering this, which she ignored for a long time...until last week.

I woke up last Tuesday to a string of messages from her, all still in that cold tone, about how she doesn't have much to say to me and she hopes I am well.

We ended up talking for the entire day, via text message, and she softened. It felt like a relief, after 5 months of silence. But it's also deeply painful to hear how she views me. She believes that I trigger her because I remind her of her mom, and also because I was around during her divorce so she associates me with this bad time in her life. She essentially views me as someone she needs to keep out of her life, so that she can be stable. She says this new person she is dating is very similar and "understands all her problems" and she is able to be herself and "wild and free". She says that with me, she loses her sense of self and all she can think about is me and I have this enormous "power" over her that is not healthy for her.

It's obviously hard to hear these things because, as I'm guessing many others here might relate to, it's like hearing your partner talk about me like I am abusing her, when I was not. I made mistakes, and was bad at communicating at times. But none of the reasons I "trigger" her are related to...anything I am doing. It's about how I somehow remind me of her mom, and about her divorce with someone else, and seemingly also because she has a deep emotional connection to me.

Anyway, we talked again a few times this week and she told me she can't stop thinking about me again, that she is still in love with me, but she is terrified of losing her "stability" that she feels she has found with this other person. She views me as a direct threat to her sense of self and her happiness. It's really, really hurtful to me that she feels this way.

I also do not know if the things she is saying about her new partner are true, or if it's part of some idealization process that will inevitably end?

In other words, is it possible for one person to deeply trigger someone with BPD, but another person to not trigger them at all, and instead allow them to find peace happiness stability etc? I am genuinely asking because it's driving me nuts, and I don't know what is best for anyone. I still love her so much, but it's hard to know that she views me as a threat to her own happiness. It's also frustrating because there is nothing I can do to change it -- it's not based on my own actions or behaviours. It's her own issues that she believes I trigger, and go away when she is with someone else.

We basically have left it as: let's keep talking but take it very slow and see what happens. She said she is not ready to see me, because she knows if she sees me she will lose it and fall completely in love with me again and forget about everything else.

Does anyone have experience with something like this? It's been a great help for me to hear from others and empathize with you all. Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[poppy2]

Hi

I'm not sure if I can help with this specific situation, but have you read about triangulation? what strikes me about this story is the comparison being made between you and this other person and its mental effect on you. I wonder if she is saying the same to this other person, or has said the same? I also wonder if this is a clear pattern of behaviour from her as she was already married when you were being idealized.

My bottom line would be: we are each unique individuals, not able to be traded or discarded at whim. Good luck

[Goosey]

“Enormous power over her”.
Hmmm. Like you assume of expect she would a acknowledge basic things:
  Like having financial responsibilities.
  Like treated others with some semblance of compassion and respect.
  Like having a civil conversation over important (oh hell any) matters.
   Ya they don’t like guardrails.
And once they ain’t getting their way or all our money it’s over.
Period.
   They move on.
Amazingly crafty.
   As we morose for way to long.
   And occasionally reach out on special days- just to be spanked back.  That’s ok. We reach out less as we learn.
   
 
 

[babyducks]

aero0421,

Each and every relationship on these boards is unique.   While we may share some common experiences, the decision to remain in the relationship or leave is uniquely personal, its an individual decision.   

Author Margalis Fjelstad  said this about pwBPD: "It is also important to remember that no two pwBPD act completely alike.   It is the unique events of each person’s life that make up the content of their fears and distorted thinking."  and of course that is true for us as well.

She essentially views me as someone she needs to keep out of her life, so that she can be stable.

I understand.  again from Fjelstad:  pwBPD "see their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions and believe that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change."    this is one of the classic traits of BPD.   to be fair everyone does this to some degree,  still the intensity that pwBPD feel emotions make this problematic for them.    its often hard to realize that how feel,   whatever emotion we are experiencing is generated by what we are thinking.    let me use an over simplified example - you and I are walking in a park and see a child fall off the playground equipment.   the child sprains his arm.    You might be feeling relieved and grateful -  'oh thank goodness that wasn't worse - he really could have been hurt'.    where I am feeling scared and anxious -  'holy cow did you see what nearly happened there'.    our different emotional reactions are coming from what we are thinking.   

Anyway, we talked again a few times this week and she told me she can't stop thinking about me again, that she is still in love with me, but she is terrified of losing her "stability" that she feels she has found with this other person. She views me as a direct threat to her sense of self and her happiness. It's really, really hurtful to me that she feels this way.

I am sure it is hurtful that she perceives you this way right now.   try and understand this is more about her, and how she processes the emotions and events of life than it is about you.   this is a very real fear for her and you should take it seriously.   I am actually impressed with her level of insight and how well she expressed it.

I also do not know if the things she is saying about her new partner are true, or if it's part of some idealization process that will inevitably end?

probably both are true.   the early stages of any relationship usually come with a higher than average amount of idealization.

   

In other words, is it possible for one person to deeply trigger someone with BPD, but another person to not trigger them at all, and instead allow them to find peace happiness stability etc?

this is probably both a yes and a no.     pwBPD have harmfully intense emotions that change rapidly.   this may be an accurate reflection of how she feels today.  pwBPD believe that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever, however this usually not the case.  no one's emotions last forever.   emotions wax and wane.

It's also frustrating because there is nothing I can do to change it -- it's not based on my own actions or behaviours. It's her own issues that she believes I trigger, and go away when she is with someone else.

True.   you can't change her beliefs or emotions.   you can change yours.   you can work to not take it personally when she triggers.   to understand its her, that she is reliving or revisiting painful emotions.

We basically have left it as: let's keep talking but take it very slow and see what happens. She said she is not ready to see me, because she knows if she sees me she will lose it and fall completely in love with me again and forget about everything else.

again I am impressed with her insight.   she, at some level,.. recognized that her emotions swing wildly and is taking steps to be as protective as she can be.

how do you think you can best support her aero0421 without breaking any of your own boundaries?

'ducks

[aero0421]

again I am impressed with her insight.   she, at some level,.. recognized that her emotions swing wildly and is taking steps to be as protective as she can be.

how do you think you can best support her aero0421 without breaking any of your own boundaries?

Thank you for these thoughtful answers. Yes, it does seem she recognizes that she has these big emotional swings. But she does not seem to recognize that I am not the thing causing them. Maybe in the moment I am, but not in the grander scheme of things.

I'm trying to be supportive. I suggested this book of DSM techniques for managing emotions, which she was very receptive to and has ordered a copy of. I'm trying to remind myself that I am not actually a bad influence despite how she views things. But it's also hard because I worry she is just going to stay with this other person because she views him as "better for her", or at least not triggering to her. I know that she feels a deeper emotional connection to me, and is very much in love with me. And maybe that's part of why I've become so triggering. She says that when she is even talking to me over text, I start to consume all of her thoughts, and all she can think about is how she wants to make me happy and please me, losing her "sense of self". That's obviously not healthy.

But is there a way to get her to stop thinking of me this way? For her to be able to change her own thinking, or at least recognize that I don't need all this attention? Or is it just a lost cause?

Thanks again.

[babyducks]

hello again aero,

But is there a way to get her to stop thinking of me this way? For her to be able to change her own thinking, or at least recognize that I don't need all this attention? Or is it just a lost cause?

well those are all big questions, lets take them one at a time.

is there a way to get her to stop thinking about you as triggering?    hmmmm,   my two cents?   I am going to say probably not.   first lets recognize how hard it is to change any thought pattern.    any thought pattern.    I happen to be afraid of heights.   now I don't know why,... but I have been all my life.   maybe its the way my eyes process depth information,   maybe its the way my balance is control by my ears,   maybe its the way my brain is wired.   I am afraid of heights.  I can't imagine why everyone isn't afraid of heights.       follow along with me here,  what do you have that is similar, what thought pattern do you have that is deeply engrained?    maybe you think snakes are yecky?    maybe you think white wine tastes horrible?    now seriously contemplate what it would take to change that deeply engrained thought pattern.   I know I am afraid of heights.   I know I am actually not going to fall off the balcony when I visit a high rise apartment.   I know that riding up the glass elevator to the 52nd floor is perfectly safe.   but guess what,   I am still uncomfortable.    she is in some what of a similar situation.    so is there a way to stop her thinking of you as triggering?   first its not something you can do for her,  she has to do this for herself.    and its complicated.    one workbook on DSM techniques isn't going to do it.

now, for sure, there are things you can do to help.    and I am not being harsh when I say this, the first thing you can do is stop being triggering.   I know you are not intentionally setting out to trigger her.   I know you aren't deliberately demanding her attention.   Still there are things you can do, and not do to make the relationship more comfortable for both of you.    I would suggest the first is really really learn about Validation.    how to be validating and how to avoid invalidating at all cost.    For me,   I have really paid attention to validation for about 5 years now, and I can finally say I've gotten decent at it.    Learning about Validation and Personal Boundaries raises emotional maturity or EQ emotional intelligence if you want to call it that.

Its up to you to decide if you think its a lost cause or not.     I can say it will be a process, and that the process will have some significant challenges.    all relationships have challenges.  there is no such thing as a perfect problem free relationship.      many of us get hooked on the early idealization phase of a BPD relationship and long to have that back, or believe all relationships should be that way.     I would suggest its important to really think honestly, hard and long about what is going on with the relationship and what would be best for both of you.

'ducks

[aero0421]

Its up to you to decide if you think its a lost cause or not.     I can say it will be a process, and that the process will have some significant challenges.    all relationships have challenges.  there is no such thing as a perfect problem free relationship.      many of us get hooked on the early idealization phase of a BPD relationship and long to have that back, or believe all relationships should be that way.     I would suggest its important to really think honestly, hard and long about what is going on with the relationship and what would be best for both of you.

I guess I will bave to do some thinking and processing and decide what is best for us. I have been working on validation, which I can say with certainty I was not doing before. I did not understand what was wrong with her and I was being totally invalidating and a bad communicator. I think that is why we are now able to talk calmly. I’ve improved a lot and have been careful to validate while also not bombarding her with requests to talk.

In figuring out what is best,I keep coming up against this same question: is it possible the new guy is just a better match? Will he continue to not trigger her somehow?

Or is it inevitable that eventually he too will become her trigger? Her husband did not trigger her for a while, but eventually it did slip into healthiness and she felt empty. I genuinely don’t know, so if anyone has insight or experience with this it would be helpful.

[babyducks]

In figuring out what is best,I keep coming up against this same question: is it possible the new guy is just a better match? Will he continue to not trigger her somehow?

Its an important question.   truthfully a lot of members end up here with the same question, will she do better with the new guy?     there is just no way to say absolutely yes, or absolutely not.

if she has BPD or the traits of it, relationships will be difficult for her.    its a serious mental illness and requires treatment.    the patterns will repeat.     it may be that the new guy triggers her less right now while idealization phase is going on.    it may be the new guy responds to her triggering in different ways.   certainly its true that the new guy won't remind her of her divorce because he wasn't apart of that.    she might not be as enmeshed with the new guy and less overwhelmed with that.

what seems most likely is that she didn't spend any time between these relationship to grow, heal or grieve.   She went from one to the next very rapidly and from what you write, each new relationship was wonderful at the start.    This is not a sign of huge emotional maturity.   

if you decide to leave the door of communications open, its important to accept her for what she is, and to accept the relationship for what its limits are.   

[kells76]

In figuring out what is best,I keep coming up against this same question: is it possible the new guy is just a better match? Will he continue to not trigger her somehow?

Or is it inevitable that eventually he too will become her trigger? Her husband did not trigger her for a while, but eventually it did slip into healthiness and she felt empty. I genuinely don’t know, so if anyone has insight or experience with this it would be helpful.

aero0421, I hear a poignancy in your comments -- I wonder if there's a question of "what does it say about aero0421 if she 'does better' with someone else"?

That being said, you were wondering about others' experiences, so I'll share some of what happened with my DH's ex.

If I were to characterize DH's relationship with Ex in a nutshell, it'd be codependent (DH) plus BPD (ex). That is one "typical" pairing that can happen with pwBPD. From what I hear, they had yelling/shouting/arguing blowups since the start of the marriage. After two kids the conflict was still continuing. The way DH has explained it to the kids is that he saw the conflict starting to affect them and nothing else worked to end the conflict except separation and divorce.

DH and ex had tried some marriage counseling, and in MC DH did not feel safe to open up in front of ex, and was pretty numb/shut down. Ex did not take responsibility for her part in the marriage breaking down, and has actually (we heard this directly) tried to blame the MC for "telling her to divorce/making her divorce".

DH had a best friend through all this who then had recently gone through his own divorce. An "oversize" personality, he admitted in the past to pursuing women even when they said No or they weren't interested. His dad left when Best Friend ("BF") was a teenager so BF took on a "I'm better than my dad... I never leave women" persona. The woman he divorced ended up with another woman. BF frames the divorce as "loving her enough to free her to be herself".

While DH and Ex were married, Ex admitted to DH that she and BF had a thing for each other.

Anyway, BF told DH that divorce "wasn't that big of a deal". During the separation process, BF started spending a lot of time with Ex, taking her out to dinner, etc. DH would be home with the kids putting them to bed and BF and Ex would be out doing stuff together. This continued after the divorce. I know because I used to be involved in an activity with BF and Ex after the divorce, and the activity would wrap up, and I'd go home and call/text DH, who was putting the kids to bed at Ex's house, and Ex would not be back.

So, BF and Ex got engaged ~3 months after the divorce was final, and married ~2 months after that. Their kid came along ~8 months later. This was all 9 years ago. They are still married.

...

Does that mean that Best Friend is a better match for Ex?

He isn't codependent in the traditional sense, so it's not a Codependent-BPD pairing. That fell apart for DH because he was ready to grow past codependency and individuate, and Ex was not ready to change her role.

What he is, is a person with strong NPD-type traits. That is another "typical" pairing. He sees himself as the "Rescuing hero" who bravely and morally took care of Ex and the kids, while horrible DH "was the dad who left and abandoned them" and "wasn't strong enough to save the family".

Is that a "better" match? It may have its own stability, but stability and health aren't the same thing. BF engages in dysfunctional and boundaryless relational interactions to preserve his cherished role as "the good guy" and to maintain a flow of female adoration towards himself. I strongly suspect he is having some type of affair, at least emotional, with the wife in one of their long-term friend couples. He frames it as "getting past outdated notions of relationship limitations". He comes across as intellectually sophisticated and suave, and flatters people, especially women, overtly and relentlessly. The only men around him in his orbit are extremely Beta -- he must be at the top. He manages his circles so that he can always be the one who knows the most, is the expert, has the most insight. No other males who can outthink him are allowed in his life.

He manages Ex by cultivating an image of being a male feminist, being amazingly supportive, being "the guy with the most sensitive, insightful opinions", going to the "correct" rallies and marches, and verbally managing her emotions. Does BF trigger Ex less than DH did? Yes, in a way... but ask yourself why.

...

This is what it looks like with the next guy. To those who have little experience with PDs inside a relationship, it looks like an amazing, connected, progressive, "correct", modern, emotionally sophisticated relationship that "all should aspire to".

The fact that the next guy doesn't seem to trigger her like you did has no necessary correlation to the health of the relationship.

...

That's my experience... hope it gives some helpful food for thought.

kells76

[aero0421]

Is that a "better" match? It may have its own stability, but stability and health aren't the same thing. BF engages in dysfunctional and boundaryless relational interactions to preserve his cherished role as "the good guy" and to maintain a flow of female adoration towards himself. I strongly suspect he is having some type of affair, at least emotional, with the wife in one of their long-term friend couples. He frames it as "getting past outdated notions of relationship limitations". He comes across as intellectually sophisticated and suave, and flatters people, especially women, overtly and relentlessly. The only men around him in his orbit are extremely Beta -- he must be at the top. He manages his circles so that he can always be the one who knows the most, is the expert, has the most insight. No other males who can outthink him are allowed in his life.

He manages Ex by cultivating an image of being a male feminist, being amazingly supportive, being "the guy with the most sensitive, insightful opinions", going to the "correct" rallies and marches, and verbally managing her emotions. Does BF trigger Ex less than DH did? Yes, in a way... but ask yourself why.

...

wow. every word of this is...exactly how I would describe her new guy. he's pretty obviously narcissistic. he posts photos of himself on instagram every single day (this is a 40 year old man, not a teenager), is online 24/7, retweeting every compliment etc. obsessed with being "the nice guy" and "mr positive". my ex feels they both are "taking life one day at a time" and that he understands her.

we spoke more again this week, including a 4 hour phone call. I left feeling really sad. we talked about misunderstanding we'd had etc. she said she feels that this new guy is "the right thing for her right now", that she has found something healthy and she doesn't want to throw it away.

she says she misses me but feels that we are both "on our own journeys" and need to grow more before we can come back together. she repeated that when she is with me, or even talking to me, I "bulldoze" all of her own emotions and she only thinks about me. that it overwhelms her, and her new guy doesn't make her lose herself. 

it's really, really hard to not feel awful about myself, when I'm hearing/observing that she feels so unhealthy around me, to the point that she can't see me in person for fear of losing her mind. but she feels healthy and good with someone else. it makes me question everything. I always thought that toxic relationships meant that the person you are dating treats you badly or is clearly bad for you. It's an entirely different thing to know that for whatever reason, I bring out the worst in someone I love.

and it just sucks because I miss her so much. This is brutal. I'm not sure if I'll keep communication open. She's been texting me every day, just normal stuff like we used to talk about as best friends. There is some vengeful part of me that wants to stick around to try and mess up her new relationship (I know that is not a healthy/productive thought...). There's a part of me that knows a logical person would say I should end contact. But most of me just misses her.

[aero0421]

update: she has now got a a matching tattoo with this man she has literally only known for 6 months. I feel insane.

[Anonym2806]

update: she has now got a a matching tattoo with this man she has literally only known for 6 months. I feel insane.

It’s like my ex posting about her new supply after 3 weeks together while she never posted about me during 1 year.
This guy is not good for her, taking cocaine and doing nothing good. But I’m fine since I know she’s an asshole and she will never get someone like me again.
We deserve much better, we deserve respect, we deserve authenticity. We don’t have to chase for something who will never chase us.
Believe me, I think you dodged the bullet like I did.

Good luck

[aero0421]

Hi all, I thought I would post an update since I haven't since October. Things in the grand scheme are more or less the same, although a lot has happened. Apparently my ex and I talking again (she reached out) caused problems in her new relationship, to the point that they broke up in early November. Ex says she became consumed by me and totally checked out of their relationship, which led to fights etc.

We finally saw each other in person in November (her suggestion). We ended up talking for hours, reconnecting, all the chemistry was still there, and she told me she wants to work things out, she just needs some time. But over the next few weeks the problems resurfaced. I "took over her mind", she was stressed and overthinking. There was nothing I could do. At the end of November she decided to get back with the new guy. She says he "feels safer right now" and that I bring up pain and scary feelings.

So we effectively went in a circle and ended up where we started. It's been hard. I can't tell if I'm just deluding myself by thinking she's choosing this guy because he's less important. It seems so counterintuitive to someone without these issues with relationships. I'm the "most special" and therefore I must be kept away.

I'm again considering whether I can stand being in contact. The new BF is extremely over the top and it's hard knowing she chose *this* over me. It's hard knowing that we are in love, but there are these obstacles -- that are largely out of my control -- preventing it from happening. She's also moving a mile a minute as usual and acting as though what she feels in this moment is how it's always been. She says she doesn't want to talk about "the past" (when we were talking about being together) -- even though this "past" is only 2 weeks ago. She now has a dog and the BF is claiming all over social media that it is "their" dog together.

[Cat Familiar]

I’ll conjecture that the difference between you and the new guy is that you have fully expressed your love for her, while he is so self-absorbed that he is still a *challenge* for her.

It seems that people with BPD are on their best behavior until they get a commitment from their beloved. Once that happens, the *honeymoon phase* is soon history.

Therefore it seems that BPD/Narcissist relationships might take longer to break down—just a theory on my part. What do you think?

[aero0421]

Definitely possible. He is pretty clearly a narcissist, creating his own version of reality online and casting himself as the hero. I'm sure he is lapping up the adoration she gives during this phase.

I also think he's telling her exactly what she wants to hear (she says he "understands her" and he "feels the exact same way" as her on things because they are both "messed up from childhood"...). So maybe this will work for a while. I'm guessing he pulled out all the stops after she pulled away from him last month, too. It seems he is heavily using the dog to re-insert himself into her life and control things. He's already created an instagram account for the dog and posts hourly. It's so nuts I have to laugh.

[ILMBPDC]

Therefore it seems that BPD/Narcissist relationships might take longer to break down—just a theory on my part. What do you think?

Just my 2 cents - from what I understand, NPD/BPD relationships are apparently quite common. I found this on Quora and wanted to share, I think it makes a lot of sense.

Since pwBPD lack a stable core personality, they are attracted to people who have defined, confident personalities in contrast, hoping that they too can learn to be confident and well-defined. If they can earn the validation of someone with a defined personality, through them, perhaps they gain a more stable sense of self. PwNPD fit that bill by broadcasting their egos loud and clear to anyone who will listen. NPD seeks admiration and validation from whomever they can get it from; pwBPD lay it on particularly well when they find someone they idealize.

When the NPD finally pays attention to the pwBPD and begins love-bombing in return, pwBPD feels so validated that they believe this relationship must be beneficial to them and meant to be, ignoring obvious red flags which might turn off someone with a healthy sense of self.

PwBPD are often the byproduct of narcissistic parenting. They may be further attracted to narcissistic types who remind them of their parents, repeating familiar trauma cycles, where they sought the attention of a neglectful or absent parent, and had to behave or present themselves in a certain way in order to be accepted or loved by this parent. They will tolerate emotional abuse in romantic relationships with NPDs because they have the core belief that they are worthless and deserving of such treatment, because they have failed to be “good enough" for the narcissist and therefore failed themselves. They will put the blame on themselves before their abuser. PwBPD may find themselves repeatedly discarded by NPD types and seek to rebuild their confidence by approaching other confident personalities, seeking validation, and thus repeating the cycle

[aero0421]

I feel bad to keep venting and complaining here, but I don't know who else to talk to about this stuff. It doesn't feel like my friends understand it.

I've been trying to be objective about our relationship, the problems outside of her traits, my own mistakes. But in the past few weeks, whenever I speak to her, all I can think is: why is she so mean? There is something so cold and disorienting about how quickly her emotions change. As recently as a month ago, she was telling me how much she missed me, and how she is still in love with me, and maybe in a few months she will come back to me. Then she did this u-turn, got back with this other person, and seems to want to act as though none of this other stuff has happened? Or maybe in her mind, it really is so far away now.

She's been talking to me in a detached way and doesn't seem to have any interest in me. She says she has moved on -- when I mention that all of this stuff happened only a few weeks ago, all she says is "I am sorry" and she "wants to live in the moment not the past". She wants to "try new things", not go back to "things that made her feel bad".

I feel really hurt. I can't change my emotions quickly like this. It all feels so...mean. And disorienting. I don't know how to deal with it.

[Cat Familiar]

The difference in the way the two of you process emotions is that she lacks *object constancy* and you don’t. For her, it’s “out of sight, out of mind.” While you are still grieving and processing what happened in the relationship.

Believe her. It’s hard to imagine someone’s emotions changing so fast, but that’s BPD.

[ILMBPDC]

I feel really hurt. I can't change my emotions quickly like this. It all feels so...mean. And disorienting. I don't know how to deal with it.

aero please visit us on the detaching board - we have all been there - some of us more than once.

[aero0421]

Thanks for listening. I'm trying to stay busy and focus on my work and things that fulfill me.

We've continued to talk, most every day. I don't know what to do about that. I think we both do want to be in contact -- as I think I mentioned, we were best friends for years before it became romantic, and it's a hard bond to let go of. As time goes on, I see more clearly the reasons things didn't work. Like most people with bpd traits, she's emotionally volatile and needy. She needed me to be a source of strength last year, and for a variety of reasons, I could not. I feel stronger now, and have been working on my own emotional swings. I know our problem is communication, and I do think I can do a lot better. I was dealing with a steep learning curve and honestly didn't really know what it was I was dealing with.

That being said, she is seeing someone else. A grandiose type narc. Who won't stop talking about it on social media.

Does it help or hurt my chances to continue being in close contact with her? We've also seen each other I'd say every 2-3 weeks.

[aero0421]

Hi all, it's been a few months since I've been around here, and was going to share an update and see if anyone had thoughts. You've honestly given the best advice of anyone on this.

Ex has been more and more distant and cold since January. Meanwhile, I've been working on improving myself, spending time with friends and family, and traveling. I've made progress on detaching. There is still more letting go to be done. 

Last month I sort of confronted her about why she seems so uncomfortable towards me. She says she is "still processing" what happened between us, and wants space. She's still with the narcissistic man and they have fully rebounded back after fighting a lot in autumn. She says it is "getting serious".

I'm posting here because 1) I think I still do want to reunite. Even with more distance, I still see a lot of good between us, and I also feel clear on what our problems were. and 2) I find the detaching board can be a bit one-sided in terms of blaming things on the ex and the disorder.

I'm not sure what else I can do right now, other than work on myself, live my life, and wait and see. It still sort of kills me that she seems able to carry on a relationship with this other person, for nearly a year now, and says she is "stable". She continues to view me as someone who "makes her unstable". Any thoughts on what I can do here, other than give space?

[Cat Familiar]

Relationships between pwBPD and narcissists can indeed be more stable than those with more emotionally healthy partners. Perhaps it’s because there’s more defined roles, and rules.

Structure, though they may whine and complain about it, is something that pwBPD need, and similar to children, they feel more secure with it.

The independence and autonomy that emotionally healthy partners give each other can be anxiety-inducing for a pwBPD. That’s why having strong boundaries is important in these relationships.

[WalkingonEggshel]

I have gone through the same thing.  It was not long after that she retracted what she said about her new partner saying she wanted me back.  But still unwilling to end it with him. 
I do not know what your ex is like but I will tell you that mine is not sincere with anything she says.  Its all about what she needs to say at the time to get what she wants at that moment (whatever feeling she is having).  Keep in mind her feelings change daily if not more. 

I recently came about a guy that speaks about relationships and "Red flags" in relationships.  I would give it a read and it may help you move past her.  Feel free to message me and I can send the link.
 

[Mergirl]

I've been reading this thread because I'm going through something similar.

would you be willing to share that link with me about the red flags as well? Interested to see what he has to stay and if it could help with my situation at all.

Thank you.