Trying to Process an Attempted Recycle (if that's even what it was)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My apologies for reposting this message in its own thread, but no one responded, and I'm hoping for any words of wisdom or support you all might be able to offer. I've really been struggling.

So many questions mentioned that his heart had a moment of catching up with his brain. I really wish mine would. I was telling a friend of mine who has been supporting me through this ordeal that my head knows it was a very unhealthy relationship which I do not want to resuscitate (even if I could), but my heart would take her back in a second if I'm honest with myself.

Some of you might recall the long letter I posted about the awful night when she punched and shoved me in a drunken rage about two months ago. Well, last Monday she reached out to me and wanted to "share her thoughts" about what happened. I agreed to meet her this past Thursday. I was afraid of what might happen, but ached for some form of closure. So we met...

My feelings about our meeting are incredibly mixed. She was lovely, seemed sincerely apologetic, claimed she is working with her therapist to stop "self-medicating," and vowed never to treat me that way again. Then, she seemed to be love bombing me and idealizing me in one moment, but then would say it would be too damaging to try to be together again. That she was too wounded.

She also alluded to the fact that she is unfulfilled by my replacement but needs to try to move forward with someone who is "safer." By that she seemed to imply that she was less emotionally attached so if he left, it would not hurt her and also maybe that he was so thankful to be with her that he never would. To be clear, she wasn't that blatant in how she communicated this, but that was what I inferred.

Though I feel I got some degree of closure in one regard, it poured gasoline on all those feelings I have for her that are always right below the surface if not actively torturing me. There was significant pull -- it was palpable -- but also the push and distancing in the same interaction.

She pretty much literally said, "She loved me more than anyone she'd ever met. That I was the greatest gift of her life. That I was an extraordinary man. That she had only wanted to spend her life with me." Yet, she could not be with me and was exploring trying to build a life with someone else to "move forward" because she needs a "partner."

Intellectually this all makes perfect sense in the context of a "relationship" with a pwBPD, but emotionally I feel so whipsawed. It wasn't quite a recycle. It was more like flirting with recycling. But the idealization at the same time as the push is really confusing for me to process. I wasn't split black at that moment at all. I was idealized but too painful for her.

When I'm in wise mind, I can acknowledge that I want to be recycled at least if it means I will just be discarded again, but the moment she was on my couch saying those words, I was ready to roll the loaded dice yet again.

Now I'm just lost and devastated. She spent the entire weekend with my replacement -- which still seems so soon after the new relationship. Though, it seems she has been spending every weekend with him (overnights too) since they started dating.

Confusing me further, she even said in a text before we met, she is "dating a dud." That "she cannot get intimacy from him at any level." That he "doesn't do a single nice thing for her. "Yet, she is giving herself to him instead of me -- the so-called the "love of her life." I'm confused and struggling to reconcile this latest mindf$#%.

I'm frustrated and even ashamed that I agreed to meet her. I knew it was a double-edged sword, but I felt I needed the chance of closure. And I cannot seem to let hope die of having a healthy, stable relationship with her -- albeit with counseling, etc. Is that even a realistic expectation? (she's already done a year of DBT etc, and still behaves this way when she's to dysregulated to use what she learned). On one level, meeting with her allowed a measure of healing from the trauma of the night she hit me and called her ex-fiance to nearly throw me out of her house. However, it opened a whole new front in my struggle.

I would welcome any thoughts or support you all might be able to offer. Thank you. I really appreciate and feel for you all.

[drumdog4M]

My apologies for reposting this message in its own thread, but no one responded, and I'm hoping for any words of wisdom or support you all might be able to offer. I've really been struggling.

So many questions mentioned that his heart had a moment of catching up with his brain. I really wish mine would. I was telling a friend of mine who has been supporting me through this ordeal that my head knows it was a very unhealthy relationship which I do not want to resuscitate (even if I could), but my heart would take her back in a second if I'm honest with myself.

Some of you might recall the long letter I posted about the awful night when she punched and shoved me in a drunken rage about two months ago. Well, last Monday she reached out to me and wanted to "share her thoughts" about what happened. I agreed to meet her this past Thursday. I was afraid of what might happen, but ached for some form of closure. So we met...

My feelings about our meeting are incredibly mixed. She was lovely, seemed sincerely apologetic, claimed she is working with her therapist to stop "self-medicating," and vowed never to treat me that way again. Then, she seemed to be love bombing me and idealizing me in one moment, but then would say it would be too damaging to try to be together again. That she was too wounded.

She also alluded to the fact that she is unfulfilled by my replacement but needs to try to move forward with someone who is "safer." By that she seemed to imply that she was less emotionally attached so if he left, it would not hurt her and also maybe that he was so thankful to be with her that he never would. To be clear, she wasn't that blatant in how she communicated this, but that was what I inferred.

Though I feel I got some degree of closure in one regard, it poured gasoline on all those feelings I have for her that are always right below the surface if not actively torturing me. There was significant pull -- it was palpable -- but also the push and distancing in the same interaction.

She pretty much literally said, "She loved me more than anyone she'd ever met. That I was the greatest gift of her life. That I was an extraordinary man. That she had only wanted to spend her life with me." Yet, she could not be with me and was exploring trying to build a life with someone else to "move forward" because she needs a "partner."

Intellectually this all makes perfect sense in the context of a "relationship" with a pwBPD, but emotionally I feel so whipsawed. It wasn't quite a recycle. It was more like flirting with recycling. But the idealization at the same time as the push is really confusing for me to process. I wasn't split black at that moment at all. I was idealized but too painful for her.

When I'm in wise mind, I can acknowledge that I want to be recycled at least if it means I will just be discarded again, but the moment she was on my couch saying those words, I was ready to roll the loaded dice yet again.

Now I'm just lost and devastated. She spent the entire weekend with my replacement -- which still seems so soon after the new relationship. Though, it seems she has been spending every weekend with him (overnights too) since they started dating.

Confusing me further, she even said in a text before we met, she is "dating a dud." That "she cannot get intimacy from him at any level." That he "doesn't do a single nice thing for her. "Yet, she is giving herself to him instead of me -- the so-called the "love of her life." I'm confused and struggling to reconcile this latest mindf$#%.

I'm frustrated and even ashamed that I agreed to meet her. I knew it was a double-edged sword, but I felt I needed the chance of closure. And I cannot seem to let hope die of having a healthy, stable relationship with her -- albeit with counseling, etc. Is that even a realistic expectation? (she's already done a year of DBT etc, and still behaves this way when she's to dysregulated to use what she learned). On one level, meeting with her allowed a measure of healing from the trauma of the night she hit me and called her ex-fiance to nearly throw me out of her house. However, it opened a whole new front in my struggle.

I would welcome any thoughts or support you all might be able to offer. Thank you. I really appreciate and feel for you all.

[LaRonge]

Sorry you're going through this. The recycling attempts are such an unfair mindf**k but I think only goes to show that you aren't dealing with a stable person—a stable person would know to leave you alone after breaking your heart, and to avoid giving you mixed signals that are utterly destroying, before going to spend time with the person she replaced you with. I think the only thing to do to save yourself from her is to cut off all contact. It will seem terrible but it's the only way (I think, and based on my own experience) of regaining your sense of self and dignity. Maybe others who have been on here longer can weigh in, but for me, going no contact has made such a huge difference. I still hurt a lot, but I finally feel like I have some agency. It's not fair or right what she's doing to you—I know she can't control it, but that should be enough reason not to continue in a game you know is rigged to cause you pain. Good luck and keep me posted.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Drum-

I am so very sorry for what you’ve been through.  I did read the letter you posted about what happened that night a few months ago... I cannot imagine the pain that caused for you.  Actually I can, but my memories don’t matter at this point.  The real point is that it was all so unnecessary.  All of it.  The bottom line is that it was all about her.  Both that night and now.

I think that’s what you’ve got to see.

I hope my response won’t bring any more pain to you, but I feel we’ve got an obligation of sorts to be honest with one another - especially when we have a shared experience.  And we do.

I truly think and FEEL that you cannot be “friends” with this woman.  Maybe in a few years or never, but certainly not now.  She has no respect or sensitivity toward your deep feelings for her; and when she discusses her current *relationship* woes (no matter the content), she is disregarding your feelings.  To me this is a carryover of what happens withIN our relationships with disordered partners.  How we felt never mattered while we were Person #1; and our feelings count for less than ZERO when we’re NOT #1.

And the idolization or “closure” you think you received on Thursday?  An attempt at recycle?  Could be... if she tires of something about this guy... but only until he or you are replaced again.  And that will be soon.

My take is this.  And I am deeply sorry, my friend.  I know this hurts.  All of her words are empty.  She remembers and KNOWS you will bend over backward to remain in her life.  It doesn’t matter what she says or does, at least not so far.  So she’ll keep you as an attractive option in case there’s idle time.  But no matter what, she will NOT admit there’s something truly wrong with how she approaches her relationships with men, or how she treats them.  Or you.  She’ll say what she needs to in order to HEAR what she needs to hear.  From you.  And empty words scatter on the floor.

For your own health and wellbeing, and future... No Contact would be very wise.  No discussion or explanation because none is needed or “owed”.  She did just fine without you before you met; and she can always call her ex-fiancé in a pinch.  She’s already done that in an appalling manner.

It doesn’t matter what she looks like or how great the sex is.  It just doesn’t.  She is her worst behavior.  And you’ve got to see her for who she is and what she’s doing today.  And that is plain and simply manipulative and unattractive.  Ugly behavior.

A quiet disappearance on your part can serve you well.  That was how I had to leave...after his last rage-filled departure.  And I still loved him the day he left.  But I couldn’t and wouldn’t let him destroy me.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[drumdog4M]

Thank you both for your thoughtful and sincere responses. Though hard to accept, I need to hear this. It's what my head tells me, but my hopeful wounded heart wants to disbelieve.

It seems like only those of us who have been in relationships with pwBPD really understand in a first-hand way how emotionally destabilizing yet addictive these relationships can be. Even my T. sometimes seems to want to give her the benefit of the doubt and hesitates to acknowledge that my ex-GF does still have significant features of BPD. Occasionally my T would let slip that she agreed with my "labeling" of her behavior. After all, she was diagnosed at the Mayo Clinic with BPD, but my ex claims it wasn't accurate because it was based on her behavior "when she was young and wild."

I know you are right that I should go NC. It's too hard to be her "friend" when I'm still addicted to her. I almost said "in love", but I'm waking up to the realization that it only masquerades as love. Honestly, I think she just triggers my anxious attachment in a remarkably powerful way, which makes me desperate to hold onto her. I'm sure she feeds on that emotional energy I reflexively provide.

I'm scared to go NC, if I am honest with myself. But, I'm getting closer I think. Given that she is actively involved in whatever with my replacement just makes things so painful for me. And because she doesn't seem able to respect boundaries, I end up learning more than is good for me. Either it fuels hope or jealousy, both of which are toxic for me.

I will keep reading and posting and appreciating your insight and advice. I do hope soon that I can being myself to go NC. I feel manipulated too that the price of receiving an apology of sorts was being set back in my healing. I acknowledge that much of that was my own fault though.

Thank you again.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Drum-

I can see that you’re kind of looking at yourself, and your “standing” with your ex in relation to her status in whatever relationship she happens to be in at the moment.  Can you see that her relationship status and “satisfaction” can change from moment to moment?  And that based solely on that, how YOU feel will constantly change with HER whims?  That will shake you.  Not good for you.

When I was married, I described myself as “he was the wind and I was the wheat...”. So so painful... I lost a lot in the end.

And this is the reason for No Contact for you.  To figure out how you feel about you.  To figure out the real *whats* and *whys* of these so-called attachments to her - as a person, or an an idea.  Is it really really her?  Because maybe it isn’t.  To know what she ever really fully brought into a relationship.  And what she did not bring.  And to stop blaming yourself for what and who she isn’t and refuses to be.

The thing is, you have depth.  And you need that.  But Does she have it, need it, understand it or even want it?  Does she understand the first thing about you?  Loving relationships are NOT selfish and ice cold like this.  And neither are loving people.

I don’t want to cast doubt here, well maybe I do.  But not all T’s understand Personality Disorders.  Thankfully mine did... and I went through several trying to find the right fit.  If your ex engaged in her misdeeds when she was “young and wild”, then she was “young and wild” very recently.  Like a few months ago.  Not sure why your T doesn’t see this behavior as suspect or triangulating.  BPD and NPD are not “cured” in a year through DBT.  It’s a lifelong process.

So... let’s figure out exactly the reasons for your fears of going No Contact. 

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gems

[once removed]

And I cannot seem to let hope die of having a healthy, stable relationship with her -- albeit with counseling, etc. Is that even a realistic expectation?

not while shes in another relationship, and not when the nature of the dynamic is unhealthy.

assuming that the former ended tomorrow, i suspect it would be a very tall order for you - to say nothing of whether thered be any change on her end. there is a huge degree of trauma and broken trust here.

we often say on the Reversing a Breakup board that its necessary to let the old relationship die (and in this case, her new relationship would have to die as well), and to completely grieve it, before any new iteration of the relationship occurs.

most of the time, when that happens, that hope dies with it.

the issue, ultimately, is that youre both having difficulty letting go, and leaning on each other to ease the emotionally difficulty of detachment. perhaps the most challenging part about it is that as whipsawed as you feel, she likely feels it to even greater degrees - she has less insight into her actions, less ability to regulate her emotions, and that can result in a lot of pain and confusion for you.

[drumdog4M]

Thank you, Once Removed. That was very helpful and insightful.

It also does help me have more understanding and empathy over what she is struggling with in terms of letting go. It is more complex than simply writing it off as manipulation. I guess we are both conflicted and struggling to detach, though traumatized and distrustful. Her distrust and trauma is likely even greater than my own due to how she perceives events and her strong emotions.

I have tried to treat her with kindness and empathy because I feel better about my role in the breakup and as a person if I can behave as a mature and loving adult. It's challenging to accept when she seems unwilling or incapable of attaining a similar standard, but I guess that is inherent in the disordered thinking. I will continue trying to detach and let my hope die. Clinging to the hope prolongs my self-torture.

Thank you again.

[So many questions]

Wow Drum,

I can’t believe this all happened! I’m not sure how I would react. Our stories are so similar I’m a little concerned now for myself . I don’t think she will reach out for a really long time, if ever. She’s too prideful and in a full on relationship, met the folks, posting kissing photos. I finally blocked socials. It’s wild how quickly she rushed into something serious. But it’s a blessing I guess. So I’m just trying to accept this really is over forever.

My heart is still trying to keep up with my brain. I feel a lot of regret. I didn’t act the best but what really brings guilt  is my actions at the end. It made it so she doesn’t have to face herself. She became the victim and everything was my fault because of that night. She doesn’t have to feel guilty. Everyone she knows is against me and supports her narrative. That really hurts. I could’ve walked away and been a “good guy”. But I lost myself. Lost friends. Lost respect.

She still would’ve discarded and moved on at some point; but yeah, my lack of boundaries costed me a lot.

I think you should take some time to yourself. I can’t imagine my ex talking to me about new guy, but I’m so addicted I’d probably allow it, so don’t be hard on yourself. You can set boundaries without explanation. She’s using you as a crutch. You accepted her even with BPD, she knows that and the new guy probably is unaware. It makes sense why she keeps you on deck. But it’s gonna kill you.

My ex hasn’t  reached out in a long time which has helped me a lot. I use to look at my phone quick when it vibrated. Now I don’t care. I know it’s not her.

I’m nowhere near held. This last week was my lowest. But I’ve been through the worst. Seeing them happy, the holidays, her birthday. At this point I’m just existing and hoping things start getting better.

I hope you’re okay man. I remember being recycled and bread crumbed and it was so addicting when she would act like she loved me. Be careful

[drumdog4M]

Thank you everyone for your compassion and insight.

My last two days have been hard. Monday night she began texting me drunk (unsurprisingly). She told me how she loved me to "an insane degree", that she was "still mine", that she wanted us to "grow together", and then sent me a pic of her breasts and beautiful drunken face.

Tuesday I reached out in hopes of explaining that her text was confusing, sent mixed messages, elevated my hopes, and set back my efforts to heal since she left me and did not want to reconcile. And to ask her not to communicate with me when drunk (again).

Her response, "I'm with him now. Sorry." No empathy at all.

I told a friend of mine that my ex-pwBPD had finally broken me. She replied: "You are not broken, just wounded. She is broken."

I think I finally have reached the point where I am ready to try no contact. Though I'm scared to cut off the drug that she is to me, anything seems better than the emotional abuse to which I'm subjecting myself as it only gets worse.

[So many questions]

That is mind blowing behavior. Atleast you know she does the same thing to the next guy. I’m sorry you’re going through it. Our stories are so similar. I don’t know how I’d react if she reached out and sent that kind of stuff. She’s my favorite drug it would be hard not to atleast indulge a bit.

I doubt that will happen.

It’s been really really really hard to let go and not solely focus on the times I miss. I miss her so much. And every hour is a new wave of emotions.

I’m so sick of feeling this way man. And I don’t really see and end in site for a long time.

[drumdog4M]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much too. Every day seems like an emotional roller coaster, but it has been worse for me since I let her back in a little bit. I've cried multiple times today. Letting go is so very hard for me, though I know I have to reclaim my life for myself. I'm embarrassed that I feel so weak and defeated by someone I just want to love and care for. I need to prioritize caring for myself, but I have such difficulty getting her off my mind.

I feel for you. We will both get stronger eventually. I'm here to support you in anyway I can.

[NotAHero]

Thank you everyone for your compassion and insight.

My last two days have been hard. Monday night she began texting me drunk (unsurprisingly). She told me how she loved me to "an insane degree", that she was "still mine", that she wanted us to "grow together", and then sent me a pic of her breasts and beautiful drunken face.

Tuesday I reached out in hopes of explaining that her text was confusing, sent mixed messages, elevated my hopes, and set back my efforts to heal since she left me and did not want to reconcile. And to ask her not to communicate with me when drunk (again).

Her response, "I'm with him now. Sorry." No empathy at all.

I told a friend of mine that my ex-pwBPD had finally broken me. She replied: "You are not broken, just wounded. She is broken."

I think I finally have reached the point where I am ready to try no contact. Though I'm scared to cut off the drug that she is to me, anything seems better than the emotional abuse to which I'm subjecting myself as it only gets worse.

 That is horrible. I am with you there.

  I have been subjected to this type of behavior multiple times. No contact is the only way. I removed her from my social media and enforced communicating about our child only.

 I was also verbally cruel the last time she opened relationship subjects. That didn’t make a dent. She continued to smoothen things up using communications about our child.

 In my case I have no idea what she wants with me. She keeps jumping to replacements but keeps me on the back burner with sex offers and push pull cycles. I learned that they don’t have any concept of boundaries. It is up to me to move on and heal.

 You can’t rely on a disordered person with the emotional maturity of a child to make decisions. You make the decision and stick to it.

 It is always tempting to fall back especially with the “no strings attached “ sex manipulation. It is never safe or a good idea. Be careful, stay away.

 

[drumdog4M]

Notahero, thank you for your thoughts. I'm finding that everything has "strings attached," as far as things go with her. In fact, I sometimes feel like her marionette. I need to cut the strings and cut contact. I'm trying to find the strength to pull the plug. It is excruciating to be strung along. Thanks again.

[LaRonge]

My last two days have been hard. Monday night she began texting me drunk (unsurprisingly). She told me how she loved me to "an insane degree", that she was "still mine", that she wanted us to "grow together", and then sent me a pic of her breasts and beautiful drunken face.

Tuesday I reached out in hopes of explaining that her text was confusing, sent mixed messages, elevated my hopes, and set back my efforts to heal since she left me and did not want to reconcile. And to ask her not to communicate with me when drunk (again).

Her response, "I'm with him now. Sorry." No empathy at all.

This is sociopathic behavior. It's intended to hurt you and nothing else. I believe you're going to be torturing yourself if you have any more contact with this person. While it might seem hard, once you cut her out, and I mean really cut her out, and believe that you don't deserve that kind of treatment, that nobody loves, and that a person who cared for you at all wouldn't do anything close to this, you will feel like a human being again.

[drumdog4M]

Thanks LaRonge.  I'm reaching that conclusion as well.

Do you really think it's "sociopathic"? To me it seems entirely consistent with BPD - she's emotionally dysregulated, using alcohol to cope, acting impulsively, and running off to be with another man to fill the unfillable emotional void within her. (A few months ago she was cutting herself too.)

As painful as the experience was, it is a reminder of who she really is -- what she really is -- behind the facade of beauty, sweetness, and sometimes idealization of me. And, she's approaching 40 and had a year of DBT, yet her behavior persists.

[LaRonge]

Hey Drumdog,

I actually don't know if it's literally sociopathic, but in my experience with two BPD girlfriends, after they did horrible things, there was at least a sense of shame and some understanding that they had done something hurtful, even if they had no clue why they did it or how to make amends for it. From what you're saying it doesn't seem she has any understanding at all what she's doing, and the teasing/toying with you while telling you she's with another man seems next level cruel. So I don't know if that's something beyond BPD or not, but in any case, you deserve better. I guess I'm also still in a stage where I'm pretty angry about what happened to me, and it makes me angry when other people are experiencing something similar at the hands of someone else. But I hope you find a way through this. You're not alone!

[drumdog4M]

Thank you. I understand exactly how you feel. I feel similarly hearing others' stories. Because we can experience empathy.

I should clarify that the next day, after I had texted saying what she had done was hurtful and inappropriate, she did express remorse and apologized. In the moment there is no empathy, but there seems like she can feel it or at least shame when she is in a more emotionally regulated frame of mind.

Even so, the behavior was harmful to me. And the fact that she is not just unfeeling and selfish all the time does make my letting go of her and going NC more challenging.

We normals are blessed but cursed with being able to see and live within shades of gray I guess. If I could split her black and write her off and go be with someone else, it would be far simpler in the short run at least.

[LaRonge]

It's all so hard and heartbreaking. You're hurting, they're hurting, you want to be with them, but you can't even if they wanted to. I still check my phone hoping for an "I'm devastated and so sorry for the way I treated you" text, but it would be like expecting that kind of sincere remorse and understanding from a 3-year-old, because that's literally where they're at emotionally. But you also remember the times when they seemed like a kind, caring, functioning adult, and it's just impossible to reconcile. So anyway, I feel how hard it is. It has taken all of my willpower not to contact my ex. I just have to remind myself how awful I felt when I was discarded and blamed, and hope we all can find something more nurturing.

[drumdog4M]

Thank you. I feel a little better today after reading more and posting here. This site is such a valuable resource and has been more helpful to me that therapy. Having my attachment system calm down a little after having been triggered also has helped me relax and gain a little more perspective. I do love her, but the push away after the pull sends me into a panic-like state. I'm working on that about myself, but it takes time.

You capture those conflicting emotions I and I guess most of us feel or have felt so well. Any breakup is hard, but I think that is part of what makes these types of relationships even harder for us to process and heal from.

We do all deserve something more nurturing. It seems like those of us posting here are empathetic, kind, nurturing people ourselves. Perhaps that made us good targets for our exes. It's all quite sad. I really do feel for her and what living like this must be like.

[NotAHero]

Thank you. I feel a little better today after reading more and posting here. This site is such a valuable resource and has been more helpful to me that therapy. Having my attachment system calm down a little after having been triggered also has helped me relax and gain a little more perspective. I do love her, but the push away after the pull sends me into a panic-like state. I'm working on that about myself, but it takes time.

You capture those conflicting emotions I and I guess most of us feel or have felt so well. Any breakup is hard, but I think that is part of what makes these types of relationships even harder for us to process and heal from.

We do all deserve something more nurturing. It seems like those of us posting here are empathetic, kind, nurturing people ourselves. Perhaps that made us good targets for our exes. It's all quite sad. I really do feel for her and what living like this must be like.

 Been through that, keep in mind if you let them recycle they figure they can do it again. They have no concern or empathy for how you much it hurts you. As long as they can get away with it they will do it worse with every recycle attempt.

[Ellala]

I should clarify that the next day, after I had texted saying what she had done was hurtful and inappropriate, she did express remorse and apologized. In the moment there is no empathy, but there seems like she can feel it or at least shame when she is in a more emotionally regulated frame of mind.

Even so, the behavior was harmful to me. And the fact that she is not just unfeeling and selfish all the time does make my letting go of her and going NC more challenging.

We normals are blessed but cursed with being able to see and live within shades of gray I guess. If I could split her black and write her off and go be with someone else, it would be far simpler in the short run at least.

I really understand what you have shared here. It's hard. I feel you. The fact that there is (the appearance of) awareness, remorse, apologies, and care, does make it harder to let go and give up hope of healthy relationship.   

I too, have had (limited) contact with my ex since the break up and also experienced the push pull you speak of…  I felt both drawn back and repelled at the same time…. like in the same communication. Messages like I care for you, you mean so much to me, I am so grateful for you and I can't be in relationship/ I have so much to work on.

Such mixed messages. Seeing this made it easier to keep stepping back. As you said, the behavior is harmful.

My guess is the remorse/shame is sincere … My ex also apologized and expressed understanding as well as shame when I shared how the mixed messages landed and broke the trust.  Initially when I shared that, there was NO empathy…. just reactivity…which was then followed by a long email of apologies and understanding. 

It doesn't lead to any changes in behaviors though. So what's the point, really? Other than to pull on our heart strings? I don't believe that is done consciously. Without actions, the words appear increasingly more empty… they can't be trusted. Where there is love and care (and capacity), there would be follow through.

I feel a little better today after reading more and posting here. This site is such a valuable resource and has been more helpful to me that therapy.

Glad you are feeling a little better.  Thanks for sharing your experience, it also helps me! This site and all the generous people who share their experiences and time are really appreciated.

El

[Ellala]

Been through that, keep in mind if you let them recycle they figure they can do it again. They have no concern or empathy for how you much it hurts you. As long as they can get away with it they will do it worse with every recycle attempt.

true, we are teaching them what kinds of behaviors we will accept. I am all set on being discarded again. 

[drumdog4M]

Thank you, Ellala. I'm glad that reading about my experience was helpful for you as well. I really appreciated what you wrote. It validates my confusing experiences and conflicting emotions.

I continue to be dumbfounded by the consistency of behavior, experiences, and words both from pwBPD and those of us who were partners to them. The similarities are uncanny.

A friend of mine called her "my emotional kryptonite."  Seemed an apt analogy, even more so if kryptonite were as addictive as crack cocaine. But I'm trying to stay away. She is too for the moment it seems. She's distracted with my replacement anyway.

Thank you, again, and I hope you are coping well today.