Double shock. Discovered my wife might be BPD and she asked for divorce

[thameen]

Hello group members

I have been with my wife for 15 years now. We have an 8 years old boy. We have survived these years with lots of conflicts. I was always struggling to understand her personality and behaviour. It was only very recently I realized she most probably has BPD or HPD. Two months ago she asked for divorce, though we are not in conflict now and were having a normal calm relationship. I am devastated. , 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi thameen and welcome,
You have come to a really good group of people who are so kind and supportive and knowledgeable about bpd. When I first came here a year ago, my wife was threatening divorce. I have managed to improve our relationship so much, without her needing to admit she has any problems. There is hope for your marriage. You have so much to learn from the site and others on the forum, and there are also some really good books recommended. I found it really helped to post here regularly and in detail. It felt like a betrayal at first, but it has saved my marriage. I wish you all the best on this journey. You will find that you can make changes to your own speech and behaviour which will benefit the whole family. Good luck!

[Cat Familiar]

What did she say when she asked for a divorce? Has she taken steps to follow through?

[thameen]

She just asked for divorce saying that we are incompatible, that I was boring and that she needs her freedom. After a while I discovered that she is having an affair (for the 7th time). But this time the guy she us seeing is asking her to leave her family for him.

she has not taken steps to follow through. But she is adamant on her request.

The problem is that I do not know her exact diagnosis. She refuses to see any therapist. I donno if she is BPD or HPD or if she even has a disorder.

I hope to locate an online counsellor who is expert in these things to help me first understand her.

Then the second step to know what to do.

or should I post her profile and characteristics here?

I really need help and guidance.

thank you

[Cat Familiar]

So she has a history of multiple affairs, but this is the first time she has been pressured by her affair partner to leave the family?

You can detail as much or as little as you feel comfortable with, about her behavior, your relationship history, what you are hoping for, what you are worried about. It’s all up to you.

[guitarguy09]

The affairs raise a big alarm bell for me. I know this forum is not meant to signal you to divorce, but I believe this is a pattern that is not likely to change. My BPD wife's thought patterns haven't changed since the day we got married 11 years ago, and they've probably only gotten less optimistic. She hasn't had affairs but many, many conflicts over the years. Too many to count.

My point is, a person with BPD is not likely to change their behavior in my opinion without a lot of dedication and help.

[Husband2014]

My wife has been threatening divorce for over 4 years. Before I discovered she has BPD I used to freak out.  Now that I’m armed with a bit more knowledge I have a standard answer that goes along these lines “I’m really sorry you feel that way. It seems like you don’t feel like we are seeing eye to eye on things. A divorce is a lot of work that will involve a lawyer (setting my boundary that if she truly goes that route I will get a lawyer and try to get as much custody as I can especially that I have a therapist and a doctor confirming she has BPD) and will May also affect the kids.” That usually backs her off and she says it less and less.  BPD people have an unreal way to sniff your insecurity and keep hitting you on it.  The moment you don’t give them that pleasure they move on to the next one.

[T0M]

The affairs raise a big alarm bell for me. I know this forum is not meant to signal you to divorce, but I believe this is a pattern that is not likely to change.

I second that!