How to help my BP husband cope with frustration and rage

[LrngToCope]

  I am looking for words I can use to help my BP husband cope with the overwhelming frustration and rage he is feeling. He has just started a new job and lost some keys that are important to his work. He has been raging all day. I have been patient and tried to empathize, tried to help him find the keys - but he's been calling me hourly, ranting and raging. Telling me he is going to get fired (he isn't) and that this job is too much for him (it isn't). He is really beating himself up, and alternatively trying to lash out at me.

At this point, the keys are still missing and we are both exhausted and spent. I don't know if I can get him to try meditation, breathing, counting, etc... I tried to get him to EAT, which typically helps - but he wouldn't stop and do that. Nothing I've tried has worked so far. I'm trying to help him and preserve my mental health as well. It is so exhausting.

I recently discovered and am reading "The essential family guide to borderline personality disorder", which has helped me alot. Instead of getting frustrated at him, it has helped me try to be more empathetic and kind.

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[formflier]

Ugg..lost keys.  And then raging on top of that.

How long did the raging go on?  Did you ever take a break for a while and let him look for keys on his own?

Is this type of reaction to stress typical for him?

I think we can help.


Best,

FF

[LrngToCope]

Thank you FF.

It went on ALL DAY LONG. He was at work, calling me off and on throughout the day to rant. I work from home (thank god) and took every moment I could to check the house and our other car for the keys. I did have some respite between calls, but when he got home, the circus was in full force.

This is a typical stress reaction for him, in the past - I saw it like I would see a child's tantrum (except it is frightening); but now, I try to be more understanding and supportive. It is just exhausting, it really tested my endurance.

He ended up finding the keys, in his bag. Right where they were supposed to be - then, after a day of raging - he was fine. Like a summer storm that had blown itself out. He was totally fine after that. I felt like I'd been in crisis all day and was so tired and mentally exhausted, which was met with "what's wrong with YOU" types of comments. I had to take a couple of hours PTO the next morning, just to recover my equilibrium and find my peace again.

I just need to figure out a way to withstand the storm. I've tried going "gray rock", I've tried being sympathetic and helpful. I just don't know what to do that would be most effective. What phrases to use, that will help to calm things, rather than inflate them.

Big sigh... The storm is over (for now) and I'm still reading The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder.

[Cat Familiar]

First of all, you need not participate in these overreactions. It’s his problem, and his to solve.

Certainly you can do a cursory look about and that’s the limit of your needed response. “No, I don’t see them here. I hope you’re able to remember where you saw them last.”

Sure he will rant. You needn’t be a part of that.

The more you try to assist him, the less he’s motivated to self soothe, and the more often he will rope you into his emotional meltdowns.

Participating in these “crises” just sets up a pattern of codependency for you and feelings of inadequacy for him. Let him figure out his own problems. He’s an adult.

[formflier]

I just need to figure out a way to withstand the storm.

I'm going to disagree with this...

What if you "went inside" during the storm so you didn't get "drenched".

Best,

FF