BPD husband says he doesn't love me

[tampabae]

Hi all, I'm new to this forum but have been reading different sources about this disorder for a while.

I've been together with my husband for 4 years - we got engaged after 3 months of knowing each other, I got pregnant after 5 months and we married after 9 months. There were a few red flags within a month of us dating (mainly him being jealous about my past boyfriends, for no real reason, he did not believe anything I said with regards to this subject so he had to ask over and over again to feel reassured). However, in any other sense he was perfect - caring, generous, really wanted to please me, proud of being with me, introduced me to his parents very early on, and was being vulnerable and open about his issues. He is also very handsome, articulate, and smart. He did recognize that his jealousy was irrational and saw a therapist who helped him get over it eventually (it stopped around the time I got pregnant) so I was very happy about our new beginning although I knew he was battling something serious inside his head - and I wanted to help him get over it.

Unfortunately, not very long after our wedding he changed, slowly got more cold and distant, said he didn't love me as much anymore, regretted that we did things so quickly, and said we'd been arguing for months (we did not at that point - it was a lie). I was heavily pregnant and didn't know what to do - up until that point, he was caring so I decided to read up on this disorder and realized that he has 'split' me which helped with my emotions and understanding of this sudden change in behavior. After our baby was born he suddenly changed again - whilst he wasn't being the same romantic, caring person that he has at the beginning, he was more affectionite and seemed 'normal'. There were also 2 jobs losses for him in that time period (mainly his fault and inability to handle stress but also those jobs weren't a good fit) so there were a lot of ups and downs for him personally and within our relationship (whilst also taking care of a baby during lockdown). At one point during the lockdown we started seeing a marriage therapist (somehow he was able to convince me and everyone else that his irrational behavior was somehow my fault) - that did help and he said he loved me, our family and wanted to get better. There are also a lot of the wider family issues discussed which I won't get into now but his family tends to get involved and can be manipulative which is something we talked about at length with our marriage therapist.

Eventually, we stopped seeing the therapist, he started his new job (he's been working there for over a year now which is great), we bought a house, a puppy, new car and overall we should be happier than ever but he's recently been saying that he doesn't love me again and is unhappy. I have been trying to change myself (not just for him but in general to be a better person, wife & mum) to help our family and make his life more pleasant but it's like he doesn't see me.

With the help of his family and them not wanting for us to split up cause it would be devastating for everyone, especially our son for years to come, they have convinced him that he needs to see a therapist again - one that was able to help him get over the jealousy and the only one out of hundreds he's seen over the years that was able to diagnose him with BPD.

I know in my heart that I don't want to leave him, he loves our son tremendously and I know he'd be devastated if we left for my home country (although he can be a bit cold to our son as well when he's having an episode - never violent just cold/indifferent but mostly he is affectionate). I've also ordered books to help me with understanding the behavior and not taking things personally. BUT I don't know how long I can live in a relationship where someone I love says that they don't love me. I am a very affectionate, warm person and I need these feelings to be reciprocated.

I am hopeful that therapy will work for him again (I know he won't change overnight and it may take time) and that he'd at least be able to appreciate all the good things in his life.

Please tell me what you think of the situation.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s difficult to have a partner who is wishy-washy about the relationship when you want to feel loved and supported emotionally. The push-pull dynamic, which you’ve undoubtedly read about, could be at play. You want more emotional intimacy—he wants less. If you were to retreat, then he might be more demonstrative. It’s a weird dance and not necessarily a game you’d want to play, but if he were to question your love for him, he might be more warm and loving to you.