Struggling with suicidal thoughts

[curlyblonde]

Hi everyone,

I have been reading the posts on this forum for about a month now and have decided I need to post as I am struggling quite a bit. I will try and keep this as brief as possible so please forgive me if it seems like a ramble.

I met a woman last year who I suspect had BPD. Our relationship lasted just under 7 months. When we met, she was on antidepressant medication and was seeing a therapist. She confided in me that the therapy was in part dealing with long standing issues of trauma in her childhood and losing one of her parents at a young age to addiction. The relationship started very quickly as we were both very attracted to each other, and I think rightly or wrongly on my part, I fell for her in part because I wanted to be able to help her with her mental health issues, but she was also very attractive and exciting. I will also add that this was just after lockdown had been lifted so I was keen to meet someone. I look back on those early months now and they do reflect a lot of what I have read about BPD, the idealisation phase etc. within two months we had confessed our love for each other. There were warning signs there too though. She would talk about how nobody understood her, how she fell out with her friends, how she fell out with flatmates, and how all her previous relationships had only been short in duration, all the while explaining that someone else was always to blame and that it was never anything she did. I suppose I fell like a complete fool for all of this and from then on, whenever an issue presented itself in her life, I would always try and find a solution and help her (and over the course of the relationship there were quite a few instances of this).

Fast forward a couple of months, and there had been a couple of incidents where I suspected something wasn’t quite right. One of these was at a restaurant where we were having a nice time, and suddenly her character changed and she became quite angry and irritable towards me. I got us a cab back home and there was then a very strange atmosphere where I couldn’t really work out her character, it was as if she had completely disappeared. This resolved itself in about an hour and I didn’t really think much of it. The second incident was a family event of mine where she’d been invited. She turned up late, and I was aware at the time that all my focus was detracted from the family event to focusing and caring about her. She got very drunk at the event and I had to help her home, and when we woke in the morning there was that same mood change. At this point I really questioned the relationship and how much longer it could continue. About a month after that event, she burst into tears one evening and said that something had changed about our relationship and that she felt as though I was her oldest and best friend and that it’d seemed as though we’d known each other for ever (this was a few weeks after we had travelled to meet her family and she’d said how much they liked me and how happy they were that she’d met someone more suitable for her.) She didn’t break up with me then but we decided to have a few days of NC. The very next day she contacted me asking how I was doing and how it was a hard conversation etc. we then agreed to meet and pretty quickly made up. After that it seemed as though we had worked through the issue and she seemed much better, it was almost back feeling in the first few months, nut then about a month later she started becoming very short on text message and asked if we could meet up. I went to hers and as soon as I was there she burst into tears and it was clear that she wanted to break up with me. She said that she loved me as a person but that something had changed. This was all incredibly confusing. At this same meeting she hugged me as tight as anyone has ever done, and begged me to stay friends with her as she had never done this with any of her ex partners. She also said could I stay a little longer after I said I needed to go because of ‘my dad’ she said, something I imagine is related to the childhood trauma. I then left and didn’t see her for a couple of weeks until I had to pick up a few of my things. This meeting was incredibly traumatic for me as she said that she had been feeling very lonely, had had thoughts of self harm and suicide and that she felt like a failure. She also repeated the same lines about wanting to stay friends and again in floods of tears. At this point I still cared deeply for her but felt powerless as the relationship had ended. My last contact with her occurred right at the end of the 2021 in the form of a phone call. This was odd because for the first half of the call she was incredibly calm and cold and acted as though nothing had happened between us. However the second half resulted in her saying that she had felt incredibly lonely, had wanted to call me etc.

That was our last contact and I am determined for it to be. Since then I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. December, January and February I don’t really remember other than feeling awful and crying a lot. However in March I became incredibly depressed and anxious to the point where I had to contact a crisis team (in the UK they are wonderful) who put me on anti depressant medication and recommended therapy. I won’t lie that these two things have helped me during this time, and in fact the therapist was the one who turned me onto BPD as I hadn’t heard of it before. She said that she suspected my ex had the disorder. I have been struggling and grappling with these emotions for a while now and feel exhausted. In March I would say that I had a full blown identity crisis and became very unsure of who I was, which I would say was fuelled by feelings of sadness, inadequacy and that I couldn’t save the relationship or help my ex with her issues. My identity I feel is slowly coming back, but I had to sign off work because of the anxiety and stress. I have had very dark thoughts of suicide and ending the pain, mainly because sometimes I cannot see my life without my ex with it as I miss her so much. I am fortunate to have a very supportive family who are always there for me. I have also got a good exercise routine which takes the edge off the depression, but more than anything I sometimes feel incredibly distressed and anxious as though I have been tainted and broken and that I will never enjoy life as much as I used to. Before this relationship I was occasionally prone to low moods for a day or so but it never ever impacted me in this way, for this duration and severity. I have had breakups in the past but nothing close to how this one has made me feel.

I suppose I am writing this in search of support from fellow members. I would like to hear from those who have gone through the same process and how you coped and managed, and if I ever will recover myself. I would also be interested to hear if people think my ex has BPD traits or if I am not thinking straight. I have found this forum incredibly comforting. Thanks for reading

[Rev]

Good morning CB,

My name is Rev. I have been here for a little bit more than two years. I too have found this place really comforting and helpful. I was in an abusive relationship where my now ex-wife hit me, belittled me and almost bankrupted us. It was in terrible shape.

Something is up out there, because I am seeing more and more men come out of the woodwork. I did a Master's research project on it - consulted almost 100 resources and quoted 70 in it. The research is clear - these relationships can leave men completely out of wack, picked apart to the point the we don't know which way is up.

Take heart. There is a way to put yourself back together. Early on in my journey here, when I was in such pain, someone said to me - "Rev, it may not feel like it right now, but it does get better."  It did.

I would be honoured to journey with you here. Thank you so much for reaching out. It gives others hope - especially to ones who are still contemplating whether or not they are going to reach out for help.

Hang in there. Continue to reach out.

I will take some more time to really consider what you've read here and offer some insights.

Thoughts?

Rev

[finallyout]

curlyblonde,

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering. I don't know if I can offer much support because I am also still struggling badly with my emotions post-break up. But, I can say that you came to the right place. Many of us here are having similar experience, and you will get invaluable advice and support from others.

btw, did the medication help reduce some of the depression and anxiety  symptoms? And how long have you been taking them?

[curlyblonde]

Good morning CB,

My name is Rev. I have been here for a little bit more than two years. I too have found this place really comforting and helpful. I was in an abusive relationship where my now ex-wife hit me, belittled me and almost bankrupted us. It was in terrible shape.

Something is up out there, because I am seeing more and more men come out of the woodwork. I did a Master's research project on it - consulted almost 100 resources and quoted 70 in it. The research is clear - these relationships can leave men completely out of wack, picked apart to the point the we don't know which way is up.

Take heart. There is a way to put yourself back together. Early on in my journey here, when I was in such pain, someone said to me - "Rev, it may not feel like it right now, but it does get better."  It did.

I would be honoured to journey with you here. Thank you so much for reaching out. It gives others hope - especially to ones who are still contemplating whether or not they are going to reach out for help.

Hang in there. Continue to reach out.

I will take some more time to really consider what you've read here and offer some insights.

Thoughts?

Rev

Thank you Rev for replying so quickly. I appreciate what you’ve said, it gives me hope for recovering. I’d be interested to know your insights, thanks.

[curlyblonde]

curlyblonde,

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering. I don't know if I can offer much support because I am also still struggling badly with my emotions post-break up. But, I can say that you came to the right place. Many of us here are having similar experience, and you will get invaluable advice and support from others.

btw, did the medication help reduce some of the depression and anxiety  symptoms? And how long have you been taking them?

Sorry to hear that you are suffering too finallyout. It is a hard and confusing place to be in isn’t it, particularly like in my case where I am experiencing all of this for the first time. The anti depressants were prescribed to me in February but foolishly I thought I didn’t need them. This resulted in the depression and stress compounding to the point where I became very unwell and had to sign off work. I started taking the meds in early March and only really noticed a difference after 6 weeks, it’s an up & down journey those first few weeks with side effects but the relief I am feeling now is worth it. To answer your question, I found for me that it reduced my symptoms - I stopped crying uncontrollably, I was more receptive to therapy and found that it sort of ‘paved’ over the crevices in my mind that would lead me to those dark places (not all of the time, but most of the time). I never thought I would be someone who would need medication so it took a lot for me to accept this, but the way I see it now is that it is like a diabetic taking insulin. My intention is not to stay on them permanently but I see it as a huge support at this tough time in my life. If you want to know anymore about my experience with them then please do ask, thanks.

[finallyout]

To answer your question, I found for me that it reduced my symptoms - I stopped crying uncontrollably, I was more receptive to therapy and found that it sort of ‘paved’ over the crevices in my mind that would lead me to those dark places (not all of the time, but most of the time).

Thanks for the info. I am thinking about discussing medication with my therapist next week. I've never been clinically depressed in my life. My problem was anxiety more than depression but now I feel like I am descending slowly into a bad depression. The sadness, crying spells, racing thoughts and lack of sleep are just some of the symptoms I am experiencing. It is good to hear that medication helped relieve some of your suffering.

[curlyblonde]

Thanks for the info. I am thinking about discussing medication with my therapist next week. I've never been clinically depressed in my life. My problem was anxiety more than depression but now I feel like I am descending slowly into a bad depression. The sadness, crying spells, racing thoughts and lack of sleep are just some of the symptoms I am experiencing. It is good to hear that medication helped relieve some of your suffering.

No problem at all. I would definitely discuss medication with your therapist as well as your GP, they are trained professionals who can give the best guidance. My only bit of advice is to be totally honest with both of them as to how you are feeling, don’t hold anything back. It sounds as though a lot of the symptoms you are experiencing are similar to mine before medication, I will say that the Fluoxetine I was prescribed helped me a lot, just be prepared that it can take a while (4-6 weeks) for them to start working.

[drumdog4M]

curlyblonde,

I too am sorry you're struggling with this. I am as well and have been for at least a few months since my final discard. I think all of us here are or were dealing with the grieving process while also processing the trauma of the emotional and/or physical abuse we suffered. In addition, being in a relationship with a pwBPD can really whittle down one's separate identity / sense of self.

There is a tendency for the neurotypical partner to assume the role of the caretaker and in some sense merge their identity with the pwBPD - enmeshment. Part of the power of the bond is that feeling of oneness, but when the bond is severed, it can prompt an identity crisis of sorts. It certainly has for me. In addition, your emotional equilibrium can become dysregulated from all the pushing and pulling in the relationship. Further, these relationships are like drug addictions and you likely experienced a lot of intermittent reinforcement, which makes it extremely hard to let go.

In time and with work and support, you really will heal. Even if it feels like that day will never come. Some days and moments for me are better than others. I experience waves of grief, longing, and rumination over the "what ifs" and "if onlys."

Reading and posting here has been among the most helpful tools toward my work toward recovery. Therapy is important, but most therapists do not seem to have experience with treating survivors of BPD relationships / abuse. And most friends just don't get it at all. All of us do, even if our particular experiences differ. The patterns of behavior of the pwBPD and our responses to being in and exiting relationships with them are remarkably similar.

I've read a lot about BPD since I realized my ex had been diagnosed with it several years before I met her. I'm currently reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Fjelstad. It has been helpful in understanding my susceptibility to such a relationship and the role I played. Though the relationship is over, it is helpful to understand what happened, why it happened, and why I was left a shell of my self.

I hope my words are helpful to you. We are all here to listen and support you. Please hang in there and be kind to yourself.

Please hang in there.

[curlyblonde]

Hi all,

Thank you for the replies. I would greatly appreciate it if anyone can shed some light on the story I provided as to if my ex had BPD traits (I know this is it enough for a diagnosis). I am just finding this ordeal incredibly perplexing as I have had breakups from other relationships in the past (that didn’t include the behaviours in the relationships as I described) and never found one so hard to get over.

Thanks

[Rev]

Thank you Rev for replying so quickly. I appreciate what you’ve said, it gives me hope for recovering. I’d be interested to know your insights, thanks.

Hi CB,

Here is a thread for you to check out. It's quite a list and I have kept it because it is the best I have seen so far. The thread goes on for quite a while. Not wanting to overwhelm you or suggest there's an exam coming!  Just to get the conversation moving.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329294.0;all

Check it out - how many boxes does she tick?

In terms of insights - are you asking for insights in terms of unhooking from her? Insights into why you suppressed red flags in the first place? Insights into who she is so that you can figure out how to get some closure?

I am assuming that it's all of the above.

How about you check out the link and see what things it evokes and we can take it from there?

Thoughts?

Hang in there.

Rev

[finallyout]

It is very difficult to say if someone has BPD or not, even for mental health professionals.  As my therapist once told me, every single human on this earth has some traits of personality disorder. But I have to say that some of the behavior you mentioned seems to be similar to the one I experienced with my ex. For example, she had unstable relationships with her parents, sister and "close" friends.  She hated her parents and used to accuse her father of not taking care of her as a child. She blamed him for her PTSD and abuse as a child, because he used to leave her alone and go to work.  I remember once, and after an argument between them, her father told me desperately that he did not know anymore what his daughter wanted from him. I remember she once raged at her mother because she criticized her about not cleaning the refrigerator. Basically, her parents feared her a lot. So did her sister. All her previous boyfriends were abusers and just bad people, and I was the prince in shining armor (only in the idealization phase, this changed dramatically over time). She had no interests, no hobbies and no ambitions. After moving in with me, she left her job and I had to take care of her financially. Add to that violence, emotional abuse and FOG.

What I mentioned here is just the tip of iceberg, I could go on forever. And still, I stayed together with her and even had a child. This says a lot about my character and my own codependency.

My therapist was actually the one who told me that she might have BPD. Do I think she has BPD? maybe, but I am not sure and I don't really care. The relationship with her was a hell on earth, and I had to leave to protect myself from falling apart. So, as Rev mentioned, why is it important to you to know if she has it or not?