Fresh into a BPD breakup and confused

[Tater]

I dated my ex BPDbf for just a little over a year.  We were in couples therapy together and he was in therapy on his own as well. It was a very rollercoaster relationship with getting into arguments when I'd tell him my needs/try to set boundaries and would always end in an argument with being broken up with.  Then reconnection would happen.

This last time, and I now believe that I am painted black, he told me concerns, I processed and came back to have a conversation about how I'm having some trust issues (caught him on dating sties previously, would sleep with people while we were broken up, would randomly follow exes on social, etc.) and was planning on circling back into what he talked about earlier as to that being the underlying cause to some of his issues with me as well. We got into an argument and he stayed in mostly a complete state of calm, told me how much I hurt him, and asked me to leave.  I figured leaving to take a cool down period was for the best and did so. Sent an apology text for the things that I believed I did or brought up that did actually hurt him when I got home that night and didn't get a reply. Didn't hear from him the entire next day and finally sent a text that evening, to which he replied, but also just stopped responding after only a few exchanges. Woke up the next morning and couldn't take it anymore and started texting him to try to figure out what was going on.

Throughout the entire conversation, or lack of conversation more specifically, I was getting answers that were there's no point in continuing conversation, we've been arguing for a year and there's never any resolution, I don't communicate at all about anything important (which I tried to and would always get cut off and an argument would ensue). I was pretty much over the relationship at this point anyways and finally just asked him to tell me when I could get my things.

When I went over later that day to get my stuff, he was playing video games, was very obviously texting someone else and badly trying to also hide it, and would barely look at me. I initiated a conversation about things that were ordered and hadn't arrived yet. He told me to keep his keys until after I receive my package, but he generally works from home, so that was really confusing to me. I'm honestly probably reading more into it than I should be, but found it really weird that you would go really cold, break up, and then not ask for your keys back. Normally in our fights, he would ask me to give him his keys back before I would actually leave to gain the space I needed to calm down and reflect and I'd get blocked on just about everything almost immediately and be told that he was done and blocking me through text. I have not been blocked on anything, but he did end the relationship "status" on Facebook, which this is the first time that has happened as well. I have text him once to ask a question about receiving the package and got a response the next day. He's not being mean about anything and it's honestly the level of calm that has me worried.

I recognize the insane roller coaster that this relationship was and I definitely had a hand in the relationship not always going the best, but I also know that I need to walk away because the vast majority of the highs and lows was detrimental to my mental health and well-being, but I do also really miss him right now. I did truly enjoy him as a human and while I let things slide that I shouldn't have, I really thought that being in couples therapy was going to turn things around for the better. Currently I feel stuck in a place between actually mourning the relationship, being worried about being sucked back in, and hoping that he actually comes back.

I'm currently looking for support and strength and hoping for some insight as to what is possibly going on and if I've been painted black for good. He has told me in the past that he just continues to move on and doesn't ever go back and I think a big part of me is hoping that this is true, but the moves currently being made are making me question it.

[Blueberry Cat]

Good morning, Break ups are really hard and you’re being very brave I think it’s important for you to take charge of your life and realize as I had two that you have to ( should) look after yourself otherwise yo BPDX will devalue you and take away more and more of your self-esteem.
   Sounds like you’re a really giving and kind person but you need to save that up for yourself….. and only share it with people who reciprocate.
    The thing is with these relationships that we’ve been in we think if we try a little harder I’ll give a little more something will come back but it just won’t. When you have invested in the relationship you want to return on your investment but at some point you just have to cut your losses and it will be hard very hard for a time you’ll bounce back.
  You will  be better than ever,  I promise you !