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Author Topic: Keeping Calm when Frustrated with my child's decisions  (Read 584 times)
KekeMom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 1


« on: May 18, 2022, 01:51:05 PM »

My 21 year old daughter, previously diagnosed in treatment for Anorexia, OCD and depression/suicidality, also has many features of BPD. She thought she was ready to go back to school. She is now in another city studying her dream subject, with full support from me (plus college savings). Our understanding when she went was that she would stay on her medications. She did not. She visited home for a week recently and was visibly depressed and irritable. I told her I will not pay for future trimesters unless she is  on medication. She requested, and I sent her, referrals for possible clinics to go to for meds and therapy. She did not reply, so I told her I wouldn't send her semi-monthly living expense money until she replied. She then replied briefly by text, "it's not going to be fixed by meds and therapy" and that she is not equipped to be out in the world. She denies that she's suicidal. She will not tell me what she thinks her options are. I've made suggestions with no reply to them.  I sent her enough money for food for a week. I feel the responsible thing to do would be to visit her to get a better idea of how ill she is, if she needs to be hospitalized, or in residential, and try to work out a plan with her. But part of me is just tired of riding the rollercoaster of her ups and downs, and would rather concentrate on being here for my other (young adult - 2 at home) children and my own needs/goals. I observe that my daughter repeatedly builds herself into a maze and then complains she can't get out of it. She grasps at straws for what magic solution will fix her, but doesn't want to follow a path of recovery that has some hope of enabling her to build a life. I try to validate her frustrations and provide empathy, to affirm her gifts, and that it's not her fault she's ill, but this still doesn't lead to a helpful conversation. I am a problem solving focussed person: plan steps, implement, evaluate and adjust, and I am a resource-seeking person. She doesn't roll that way. I know I've enabled by failing to be clear and firm about expectations in past. I let her go to school hoping she was ready, and for her to be someplace other than our home, because neither she nor the rest of us do well when she's here. How do I keep myself calm so I can have a productive conversation with her? I get muddled by her anger and blaming behaviors, and upset by how much she is suffering internally. Then I get angry and impatient myself, and it shows. My fear is that she will end up homeless and commit suicide, and although I know this would be her choice (by rejecting other options like treatment) I still feel guilty and that stops me from taking a stand on what she needs to do. I do have a therapist who is trained in personality disorders (I sought her out because my husband/separated has OCPD), to support me through this but I won't be seeing her for a couple of days.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Sancho
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« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2022, 07:48:12 PM »

Hi Kekemom
Like so many of us here you are at the end of your tether. It gets to a point where we feel totally trapped by those things that make up the illness of our loved bpd child - their blaming, inability to stick to a plan, lack of rational thought etc etc.

It feels like a never ending merry-go-round.

Also for many of us, we are depleted of energy to support those who also have a right to our love. I have also enabled many many times just to get some space and peace in my own house.

I really admire the way you have handled the path you have been on with your dd. It has been a long, intense journey - and you have been able to let go of the possible consequences of her illness.

The question you are asking now is whether this is a moment when you step back and let dd find her way out of the current down.

Can you hang in there until you see your therapist who can help you work through this? I think ultimately the decision can only be made by you because you know your dd.

There are many questions that need answering as you work through this: is there a pattern such as on meds, goes off meds, goes to hospital back on meds and recycle.

To what extent is the going off the meds triggered by wanting to set off the need to have attention and block out the feeling of abandonment?

21 is still young in bpd terms I think. My dd is 30 and I have only just put up a pretty significant boundary (so she is now in a tent with bf in very cold weather!)

In my experience meds seem to raise the bar as far as triggering intense emotions such as anger but don't take away that need to block out the abandonment intensity.

I am sorry I don't have answers. But I will be thinking of you and hoping you can think through to what is the best thing to do at this point in time.

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