Hey Wehave2cats,
You're in good company on these boards -- you are definitely not the only member who has a pwBPD in their life who threatens to not go on trips, threatens to not let others go on trips, doesn't go on trips, creates hurdles to see family... yup, you're in the right place.
I also think the Amber alert is a bluff and that yes, he would get into trouble for that.
Same. And, if it were me, I would not educate him about that. Keep that info to yourself. He's an adult, and if he chooses to try to implement an AMBER alert, then he is adult enough to deal with the fallout. He is perfectly capable of Googling "should I request an AMBER alert". Not your job.
any advice on how I broach the subject to go on this trip? I brought it up in February and that was a disaster so now I'm letting him cool done. Will maybe bring it back up in Sep, in hopes of going for XMAS. I initially positioned it as "I haven't been home in 6 years and this means a lot to me, here is how we can make it more comfortable for you as well as I really want us all to go as a family."
One of the hardest things about dealing with a pwBPD is having the courage to move forward with your plans and what you think is best,
no matter what. My DH's kids' mom has many BPD type traits, and last year, when we had an overseas trip with the kids -- that mind you, we let her know about a year in advance, and for which many months ahead of time she went with DH to get passports for the kids -- the kids told us about a week before it "Mom doesn't want us to go, Mom doesn't think it's a good idea". DH and I had to mentally prepare ourselves for the possibility that when we went to pick up the kids, Mom might say "they're not going" and she might've "convinced" them to say "we don't want to go". So we made peace ahead of time with saying "That's too bad, we'll miss you so much and we'll see you when we get back". Fortunately we all did go but we had to be in that mindset -- not to "play the game" of begging, pleading, trying to convince, etc.
Sometimes you have to literally pay a lot of money to have that peace of mind
i.e. we had to be ready to "eat" the cost of the kids' tickets. That's kind of where I'm leaning with your situation -- there are ways to structure it where you can move forward with your plans, with a door open for him to participate, without huge time sensitive decisions hanging on his Yes or No. I suspect you'd get a lot of stonewalling if you said "please, we have to buy tickets soon, please tell me if you want to go or not". That would give him a lot of power.
You may need to buy all 3 tickets, and instead of JADE-ing (
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0), "decide and inform" with warmth and an inclusive open door, exactly like you're thinking of doing:
"well, I'm booking tickets for all 3 of us - if you don't want to join, that is your choice. Seeing my family more regularly is very important to me."
In fact, there's another acronym you'll see around here called BIFF, which stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. We can kindly and without extra words or justifications let the other person know what WE are doing. So, you could tweak your statement to be like:
"Hey babe, I've booked tickets for all 3 of us; while I'd love it if you came, you can decide if you want to or not."
Notice you've eliminated the "explanation" of how important your family is to you. While it's true, explanations rarely if ever "convince" a pwBPD. Keep the target small, move ahead with your plans and values, leave a door open for joining, and leave the decision in his court.
In terms of when to bring it up, maybe figure out when you absolutely need to buy tickets by, do it, and inform after.
These aren't easy situations.
...
Also, re: him taking your D on a trip "as payback" -- I'd believe it when I see it. So often pwBPD are "all talk" and little followthrough. He can "threaten" to take her on a trip all day long, but it takes executive function to do it. I sort of think it's bluster. Of course, if there are bigger safety issues, that's not nothing. More just reflecting on ALL the stuff I've heard and how little of it I saw acted upon.