Moving forwards…

[thankful person]

Today my dbpd wife and I moved out of our house with our two small children and are staying in a hotel, moving to a temporary home in a new area tomorrow.

It has been a stressful few weeks/days/months/years… I have done the vast majority of the packing and, as most things were going into storage, I sorted it all and didn’t bother my wife too much with questions which would irritate her, but then knowing I was sure to “get things wrong”…

The biggest change in myself recently is that I’m no longer upset by my wife’s moods. Yesterday she was very sullen, upset because I was playing the piano and then said I should be doing something more useful. And she said she didn’t feel like I love her. I’m thinking, whatever, but I no longer react emotionally. I don’t feel like I must feel sorry for her or have compassion because, “she can’t help how she is”. She just is, and I’m ok with it, especially since I discovered this little secret that actually if I give her moods little attention they pass over in minutes or hours rather than days. Also a sullen mood can remain withdrawn and quiet rather than become screeching and angry which was the effect me being upset used to have on her.

We have owned an in-ground swimming pool for the past six years. It has cost us £1000’s in chemicals, electrics and maintenance. I have learnt so much about swimming pool maintenance and worked very hard on getting everything right. And yet I think I have swam in it between 10-20 times ever. My wife early on forbade me to ever go swimming without her. I was so upset but complied. Because I wanted it so much, she refused (or that’s how it felt… she would even say things like, “the more you bang on about it, the less likely it is to happen…”)

I had made it clear that I was going swimming this week before we moved out, with or without her. I “knew” she wasn’t at all bothered about it but she “knew” I was serious. So in the end she did come in with me. She said she regretted not using the pool more. I said I felt I should have just gone in much more on my own even though she forbid it. She told me she chose this house so we could swim together, not so we could swim alone. I said “mmm”, which seems to work as validation in situations where I used to disagree with her. She knows that “mmm” doesn’t mean I agree with her, but she seems ok with that response..

Anyway, the cool (freezing!) water flowing over me reminded me… I was so happy when we bought this house, to know I could have this feeling whenever I wanted. And I was so devastated to learn I couldn’t have what I wanted. But then last year when I joined bpd family, I learned that actually, I CAN do whatever I want with my life, whether my wife wants to join me or not, whether she wants me to do it or not.

That last swim was important to me. It was nice that we did it together, and are moving on together. I regret not learning sooner how to stand up to her. But it represents the fact that I now do stand up to her. I take photos of our children. I play the piano. And if we were to stay at the house this summer then I would be going swimming with or without her. And the important thing is that she seems to know this. I have no doubt if this wasn’t the case then neither of us would have gone swimming yesterday.

New start.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[keepitup]

Thank you for sharing this, it's very inspiring 

Through your story and your advice on the board, you made me learn not to be so scared of how my BPDbf would react.

I wish you the best in your new home!

[kells76]

Thanks for the update! So cool to track with how your life is going over the (years?) you've been here.

Going for that final swim seems pretty symbolic of where your relationship is now.

I had to laugh at this:

I said I felt I should have just gone in much more on my own even though she forbid it. She told me she chose this house so we could swim together, not so we could swim alone. I said “mmm”, which seems to work as validation in situations where I used to disagree with her. She knows that “mmm” doesn’t mean I agree with her, but she seems ok with that response..

Well handled. Sometimes "things" get said to us and we just have to let it go.

Wishing you all a safe and chill move!

[Jabiru]

Congrats! It was an enjoyable read.

[FirstSteps]

Yes, this is so wonderful to read!  Very happy for you.  Such a beautiful metaphor for your progress with her.

[thankful person]

Thank you all for your kind words. I often think of you all at bpd family, and it really helps me remain calm and validated even amidst stressful situations with my wife which used to really upset me. I hope I can help others. My time on the board here has been life-changing and I really appreciate all the help and advice.

[Rev]

Thank you all for your kind words. I often think of you all at bpd family, and it really helps me remain calm and validated even amidst stressful situations with my wife which used to really upset me. I hope I can help others. My time on the board here has been life-changing and I really appreciate all the help and advice.

That's really great to hear!  And you will pay it forward. And to hear that puts my own suffering into a better perspective. You can say that you've helped me continue to let go of things I had no control over really. 

Have a great move.

Rev

[15years]

Thank you all for your kind words. I often think of you all at bpd family, and it really helps me remain calm and validated even amidst stressful situations with my wife which used to really upset me. I hope I can help others. My time on the board here has been life-changing and I really appreciate all the help and advice.

Me too :D Went from being isolated with one person to having a secret group of friends who understands! It's powerful. It opens up for more than one perspective. And it helps in creating ones own perspective.

[bluebutterflies]

So happy for you thankful person! You are so strong and here's to more love and happiness in the future.