Now he says he can’t trust anything I say

[Dancer87]

So my partner is undiagnosed but everyone in his life knows he has BPD. He is on antidepressants and is in counseling but it doesn’t seem to be helping. A couple months ago he was on a different med and it made him mean, incredibly emotional and have memory lapses. I stood by him and did my best to love him through that and when he finally realized what was happening he switched meds and he asked me if I could give him grace for that month. I said yes and tried really hard to get over it. But there were so many things he did that really hurt and even though he says “it wasn’t him” that did it, it sure felt like him even if the meds were the impetus.
So in counseling 2 days ago I asked if I could bring up something that still hurt. And he flipped out. Said that the whole last month is a lie. That I had said we were ok and now he knows we weren’t. He says he can’t trust anything I say now. The counselor even told him “that’s all or nothing thinking” but he wouldn’t listen to her. He thinks it’s not fair that I could ask for an apology since he was under the influence of the meds. I know he is splitting but he won’t listen to anything I say and interprets everything in the absolute worst possible way.
He wants me to prove my love and make it all better but I don’t think anything I can do will fix this and I am getting so hurt by his reaction to it. I’m not even sure what I am asking. I just feel so lost.
Am I wrong? Isn’t it understandable to do your best to get over something and forgive but then find that it still hurts? Or should I have found some magical switch and flipped it and forgiven everything he did instantly?

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[EZEarache]

Am I wrong? Isn’t it understandable to do your best to get over something and forgive but then find that it still hurts? Or should I have found some magical switch and flipped it and forgiven everything he did instantly?

In my opinion we can forgive painful experiences from loved ones, but we never truly forget them. Even after long periods of time, something can trigger the memory of that experience and it still can really hurt. My theory is it is a primordial instinct that protected us from treacherous neighboring tribes.

In addition, I view behavior on drugs and alcohol as extensions of who we truly are. This is true with alcohol especially. While drunk, if your personality has a little bit of a certain trait, once you lose your inhibition from booze, that trait can really become exaggerated.

With that said, I think it is really unrealistic for your BPD to expect you to just forgive and start with a blank slate. I don't think you're in the wrong here. Other than all or nothing thinking, what does the therapist say about it?

[bluebutterflies]

You are not wrong. People are still responsible for their actions, even if they are splitting or not. Just because he had split, it doesn't mean everything he did that hurt you can automatically be excused.

My husband prefers to forget everything that happened and move forward. This is his coping mechanism, but also denial. It hurts him a lot to remember that he has hurt me, so he would rather we not talk about it. I understand how you feel because I am still hurt from everything in the past, but chose to downplay my feelings. Now, I am moving forward with being clear with my boundaries and the way that I want to be treated.

Your partner doesn't seem like he is emotionally regulated right now, so nothing you say will really help except for validation (tools like SET..etc). Once he is out of his split, maybe you can have that conversation again. If he is truly committed to getting better, then he will work with you to make you feel understood.

Did he choose to get counseling himself?

[Dancer87]

He has a counselor but i don’t think it is helping. It sounds like she just says what he wants to hear. She just validates his feelings the whole time. I could be wrong but I haven’t seen any growth at all since he started counseling.

[Dancer87]

With that said, I think it is really unrealistic for your BPD to expect you to just forgive and start with a blank slate. I don't think you're in the wrong here. Other than all or nothing thinking, what does the therapist say about it?

The therapist agreed with basically everything I am feeling. She called me the next day and said that it's hard because he asks me to share things with him but then he flips out when I do. And that she had been trying really hard to not make him mad because she knows he quits therapists whenever he disagrees with them. (this is our 3rd marriage counselor in 2 years). It was very validating to hear from her

[PeteWitsend]

You weren't wrong for bringing something up IN COUNSELING for heaven's sakes!

Don't get too hung up on the words a disordered person uses.  One minute they can "never forgive this" or "will never trust you again."

Then a minute later They've moved on and gotten over it.  So  Talk about what you want or need to talk about, explain yourself and ignore their extreme or unfair reaction.

If I had a nickel for every time BPDxw told me she would "never forget XYZ" or "could never trust again" and then was back to "normal" the next day... I'd have a lot of nickels!

I used to especially be frustrated by her making a mountain out of a molehill with someone she had painted black at that moment, and completely ignoring much worse treatment from people she was on good terms with.