Another Night Of Terror: A journal entry

[lost_in_FOG]

I wanted to share a journal entry that I wrote for my therapist about one of the MANY rages that I experienced with my ex.  This one happened about three weeks ago and I thought this would be a good place to share my experience since so many of you here have likely experienced similar abuse from your BPD partners.

Another Night of Terror:
She invited me to join her at Sedona for happy hour after work.  We sat at the bar outside, ordered some Happy Hour wine, some appetizers, and we worked together on filling out her March Madness Bracket for our work pool that we have going on. It was ok, but I kept feeling myself realize and see with clarity that the experience was all about her.  We worked on her bracket and discussed her work and her frustrations with her son and her ex husband. I felt myself resenting the situation inside that our entire interaction has become so centric to her. In our conversation and her venting / blame session about her ex, she started getting angry with me because I wasn’t supporting her perspective of reality fully the way she wanted.  I would say things like, “I’m going to challenge you on that and offer a possible other perspective…”  and that set her off. That was the trigger for her.  She became worked up and said things that were not nice, to which I said “It seems that you don’t really like me all that much, and it’s confusing to me”.  She then said “You don’t make it very easy to like you”.  I responded to that logically in my head with “If it’s so difficult to like me or show me that you respect me, what are we doing?”

That was apparently the wrong thing to say because I watched her tremble, her face become red with rage, and saw her immediately say ‘So you’re breaking up with me?  Bye”  and she turned and walked off leaving me to pay for our food and drinks.   Then it got scary.

After I paid and walked to my car, she was sitting in her car that was next to mine. I was so frustrated by her immaturity and selfish anger toward me.  As I tried to back out, she backed out and blocked me from being able to leave.  It was unbelievable that she was acting this way.  I could tell she was completely unhinged and had entered into a full BPD rage.  After blocking me in, she got out of her car and came over to me and started yelling at me as I was in my car telling me all sorts of mean and untrue things. She said things like… “This is a betrayal! You never loved me. You hate me and you don’t care about me.  You already have another relationship.  Have fun in your new relationship that you’re replacing me with.  F&%@ you for doing this to me again.  I hate you.  Don’t ever talk to me again.  Don’t ask for a favor, advice, and don’t expect me to ever talk to you. I hate you for doing this to me again. You never loved me. “

Once I was finally able to drive my car again… I drove home and when I got there I was met by her car in my driveway blocking me from getting to my own home. I had to park on the street by my front yard.  And things continued to get worse from there. The screaming continued, as did the blame and irrational accusations about other relationships and me having someone in my house that she didn’t want me to know about.   I was terrified by her anger and unpredictability.  I reminded her that I had clearly set my boundaries in our shared document that read..

The boundaries I am setting for myself and need to be respected are:

Physical abuse: If you physically abuse me, I will walk away and end all communication. This is not tolerable.
Emotional Abuse:  If you yell at me or say demeaning things to me, I will walk away and end all communication.  This is not tolerable.
Maintaining a secret emotionally or physically intimate relationship.  If this happens and is brought to light,  I will not stay in this relationship.
Repetitive calling and texting demands or threats when I need space.
 
She raged on me and couldn’t control herself.  She tried getting into my car (I shot video of this because I wanted evidence if she broke anything).  I calmly asked her what she was trying to do and her response was “what do you care”.  Then when she saw me recording it she came after me angry. After more rage, blame, name calling, and irrational accusations she sat on my porch to deny me from getting into my house.  I let her know that this is not the lifestyle I want and her irrational behavior is scaring me.  Her response to that was belittling with words such as “What are you scared of?  What could I possibly do to you?”  Followed by “I’m not crazy and I'm not a mean person. You are making me this way.  This is your fault!”.   

I was finally able to get inside after she got in her car by storming past me and saying over and over “You never loved me.  You hate me.  You have always wanted to get rid of me”.   Once inside the house my heart was racing and I started to process the reality of the chaos that just happened.  Having recently read “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” definitely helped me navigate the situation by remaining calm and repeating the things she said to acknowledge what she was feeling.  I know that her fear of abandonment is excruciating and that she was disassociated from reality when going through that painful rage.  But my understanding doesn’t make the behavior ok and I was holding a strong boundary as I had promised I would before we ever tried to get back together.

Then she began pounding on my back door with extreme force.  She found my old spare key and was trying to use it to get in, and when she found out that key no longer worked her rage worsened.  She was screaming and banging on the door, and I thought she might actually break it down.  She tried all of the doors in the house and then started ringing my doorbell incessantly. It wasn’t until I saw her pick up one of my chairs from the front porch that I opened the door.  I was worried she might use the chair to break my window and I didn’t want that.  When I came outside I said to her “Please stop.  You are scaring me and I don’t want to have to call the police because it would greatly impact your custody and parole (she was arrested for domestic assault at her ex's house in November) I know you don’t want that, and I don’t want that for you either. I’d rather you just stop and go home to calm down so we can talk about this tomorrow when you’re not so worked up emotionally”.  This seemed to help somewhat. She put my key in my shirt pocket and said “I guess you changed your locks because I’m such a monster”.   I responded with “Yes, I changed the locks after the last episode like this and I am thankful that I did”.   She went to her car angrily, and I thought I was finally out of the water with this chaos. But then I noticed that she had not gone anywhere and then I got a text from her that read “Can you throw a lighter out here”.  She was wrapped in a blanket and collecting sticks from the woods in my back yard to try to build a fire in my fire pit.  I went outside and said to her, “I’m not going to give you a lighter and I don’t want you in my backyard right now.  This is crossing another boundary and I’m letting you know that I would like you to go home now so we can talk tomorrow when you are more clear headed”.

After a little more discussion after she had calmed down I was finally able to go inside and not think she would do anything too scary.  In our conversation she acted as if none of that just happened almost as if she had snapped back to reality and was no longer disassociated.  As we talked she told me she no longer wants to be “That Person” and that she’s working really hard to change. She explained why she has a hard time with intimacy and that “I’ve made her feel unsure of herself” so it’s hard for her to want to touch me because she’s in her head and doubts herself because of me.  I listened to her and she asked if she could come inside to sleep on the couch.  I said I didn’t want her inside tonight and that I’d appreciate her respecting that.  I said “I understand that you are calmer now and that you can forget in this moment that all of that just happened, but I’m feeling very distraught by it and it is still very present for me.  So I don’t feel comfortable with you in my house right now.”  I went back inside and she didn’t leave.  Her car remained in my driveway until after 3am. 

It was intimidating and also heartbreaking to leave her out there in the cold.  I imagine she feels that I’m unloving for not giving into her demands and that I am an evil person for letting her stay out in her car in the cold like that.  I don’t expect that she will understand the boundaries I have set and held.  She likely thinks they are about her, but those were my boundaries for my own mental health and self respect.   I asked when I went inside that she text me when she was home safely, but she didn’t leave until 3am and didn’t text me when she got home.  I’m mentally and physically exhausted.

[NotAHero]

I wanted to share a journal entry that I wrote for my therapist about one of the MANY rages that I experienced with my ex.  This one happened about three weeks ago and I thought this would be a good place to share my experience since so many of you here have likely experienced similar abuse from your BPD partners.

Another Night of Terror:
She invited me to join her at Sedona for happy hour after work.  We sat at the bar outside, ordered some Happy Hour wine, some appetizers, and we worked together on filling out her March Madness Bracket for our work pool that we have going on. It was ok, but I kept feeling myself realize and see with clarity that the experience was all about her.  We worked on her bracket and discussed her work and her frustrations with her son and her ex husband. I felt myself resenting the situation inside that our entire interaction has become so centric to her. In our conversation and her venting / blame session about her ex, she started getting angry with me because I wasn’t supporting her perspective of reality fully the way she wanted.  I would say things like, “I’m going to challenge you on that and offer a possible other perspective…”  and that set her off. That was the trigger for her.  She became worked up and said things that were not nice, to which I said “It seems that you don’t really like me all that much, and it’s confusing to me”.  She then said “You don’t make it very easy to like you”.  I responded to that logically in my head with “If it’s so difficult to like me or show me that you respect me, what are we doing?”

That was apparently the wrong thing to say because I watched her tremble, her face become red with rage, and saw her immediately say ‘So you’re breaking up with me?  Bye”  and she turned and walked off leaving me to pay for our food and drinks.   Then it got scary.

After I paid and walked to my car, she was sitting in her car that was next to mine. I was so frustrated by her immaturity and selfish anger toward me.  As I tried to back out, she backed out and blocked me from being able to leave.  It was unbelievable that she was acting this way.  I could tell she was completely unhinged and had entered into a full BPD rage.  After blocking me in, she got out of her car and came over to me and started yelling at me as I was in my car telling me all sorts of mean and untrue things. She said things like… “This is a betrayal! You never loved me. You hate me and you don’t care about me.  You already have another relationship.  Have fun in your new relationship that you’re replacing me with.  F&%@ you for doing this to me again.  I hate you.  Don’t ever talk to me again.  Don’t ask for a favor, advice, and don’t expect me to ever talk to you. I hate you for doing this to me again. You never loved me. “

Once I was finally able to drive my car again… I drove home and when I got there I was met by her car in my driveway blocking me from getting to my own home. I had to park on the street by my front yard.  And things continued to get worse from there. The screaming continued, as did the blame and irrational accusations about other relationships and me having someone in my house that she didn’t want me to know about.   I was terrified by her anger and unpredictability.  I reminded her that I had clearly set my boundaries in our shared document that read..

The boundaries I am setting for myself and need to be respected are:

Physical abuse: If you physically abuse me, I will walk away and end all communication. This is not tolerable.
Emotional Abuse:  If you yell at me or say demeaning things to me, I will walk away and end all communication.  This is not tolerable.
Maintaining a secret emotionally or physically intimate relationship.  If this happens and is brought to light,  I will not stay in this relationship.
Repetitive calling and texting demands or threats when I need space.
 
She raged on me and couldn’t control herself.  She tried getting into my car (I shot video of this because I wanted evidence if she broke anything).  I calmly asked her what she was trying to do and her response was “what do you care”.  Then when she saw me recording it she came after me angry. After more rage, blame, name calling, and irrational accusations she sat on my porch to deny me from getting into my house.  I let her know that this is not the lifestyle I want and her irrational behavior is scaring me.  Her response to that was belittling with words such as “What are you scared of?  What could I possibly do to you?”  Followed by “I’m not crazy and I'm not a mean person. You are making me this way.  This is your fault!”.   

I was finally able to get inside after she got in her car by storming past me and saying over and over “You never loved me.  You hate me.  You have always wanted to get rid of me”.   Once inside the house my heart was racing and I started to process the reality of the chaos that just happened.  Having recently read “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” definitely helped me navigate the situation by remaining calm and repeating the things she said to acknowledge what she was feeling.  I know that her fear of abandonment is excruciating and that she was disassociated from reality when going through that painful rage.  But my understanding doesn’t make the behavior ok and I was holding a strong boundary as I had promised I would before we ever tried to get back together.

Then she began pounding on my back door with extreme force.  She found my old spare key and was trying to use it to get in, and when she found out that key no longer worked her rage worsened.  She was screaming and banging on the door, and I thought she might actually break it down.  She tried all of the doors in the house and then started ringing my doorbell incessantly. It wasn’t until I saw her pick up one of my chairs from the front porch that I opened the door.  I was worried she might use the chair to break my window and I didn’t want that.  When I came outside I said to her “Please stop.  You are scaring me and I don’t want to have to call the police because it would greatly impact your custody and parole (she was arrested for domestic assault at her ex's house in November) I know you don’t want that, and I don’t want that for you either. I’d rather you just stop and go home to calm down so we can talk about this tomorrow when you’re not so worked up emotionally”.  This seemed to help somewhat. She put my key in my shirt pocket and said “I guess you changed your locks because I’m such a monster”.   I responded with “Yes, I changed the locks after the last episode like this and I am thankful that I did”.   She went to her car angrily, and I thought I was finally out of the water with this chaos. But then I noticed that she had not gone anywhere and then I got a text from her that read “Can you throw a lighter out here”.  She was wrapped in a blanket and collecting sticks from the woods in my back yard to try to build a fire in my fire pit.  I went outside and said to her, “I’m not going to give you a lighter and I don’t want you in my backyard right now.  This is crossing another boundary and I’m letting you know that I would like you to go home now so we can talk tomorrow when you are more clear headed”.

After a little more discussion after she had calmed down I was finally able to go inside and not think she would do anything too scary.  In our conversation she acted as if none of that just happened almost as if she had snapped back to reality and was no longer disassociated.  As we talked she told me she no longer wants to be “That Person” and that she’s working really hard to change. She explained why she has a hard time with intimacy and that “I’ve made her feel unsure of herself” so it’s hard for her to want to touch me because she’s in her head and doubts herself because of me.  I listened to her and she asked if she could come inside to sleep on the couch.  I said I didn’t want her inside tonight and that I’d appreciate her respecting that.  I said “I understand that you are calmer now and that you can forget in this moment that all of that just happened, but I’m feeling very distraught by it and it is still very present for me.  So I don’t feel comfortable with you in my house right now.”  I went back inside and she didn’t leave.  Her car remained in my driveway until after 3am. 

It was intimidating and also heartbreaking to leave her out there in the cold.  I imagine she feels that I’m unloving for not giving into her demands and that I am an evil person for letting her stay out in her car in the cold like that.  I don’t expect that she will understand the boundaries I have set and held.  She likely thinks they are about her, but those were my boundaries for my own mental health and self respect.   I asked when I went inside that she text me when she was home safely, but she didn’t leave until 3am and didn’t text me when she got home.  I’m mentally and physically exhausted.

 Yup typical night out with a BPD that “loves” you …

[OutofthePain]

When things are this bad with someone, I call the police.  I am never going to tolerate this kind of behavior again.