Can't Even Give me One day

[fisher101]

Context...I play in a band that plays maybe 4 times a year. A few rehearsals here and there. Of course she wants to tag along but complains that he takes to long (she can't do anything that takes more than a couple of hours). Everyone was ok until we got to the show yesterday when if I'd walk away for 5 minutes she'd start to pout and whine about wanting to go home. Now that we are home from the gig she is threatening to move out. She agree 2 days ago to go to father's day dinner with my dad and I. She now refuses.

They can't even give us one day can they? Can't stand not to be the center of attention for 5 minutes.

I can't do anything right. Can't be gone for more than a couple of hours.

End of rant. Sorry.

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[fisher101]

Sorry guys just needed a place to get it out. Maybe I'm in the wrong, but she won't articulate to me what the issue is. Of course if I take my dad out to dinner by myself there will be a price to pay for that as well.

What would you guys do?

[thankful person]

I hope I’m not too late to say, definitely take your Dad out.

[Rev]

Take your dad out.

Stay quiet ... as much as possible.

Rev

[thankful person]

Just wanted to get that out there first about your dad, as I don’t know what time it is over there…

I can totally relate to your frustration. My wife is jealous of my ability to play the piano, my ability to impress people with this and my ability to connect with people through this.

I am ashamed to say that I had stopped playing the piano for pleasure altogether, because she literally told me it wasn’t fair that she couldn’t play the piano so it upset her. I am ashamed to say that I was performing for care homes residents regularly up until covid hit, and my performances were below par, due to the fact that I felt too intimidated to spend time preparing for my performances at home.

Since joining bpd family last year, I have slowly been turning things around. Even playing the piano was hard at first (Not physically but just because I was terrified of her reaction…) But then I realised that it was a little like performance anxiety, and actually my heart racing and my whole body shaking with nerves as I sat down to play the piano was somewhat exhilarating. I did it more and more and remembered, I’ve always been a rebel, why did I ever become such a slave to my wife’s rules? One by one, I enjoyed breaking them all. And she has actually become ok with most of these things. She doesn’t challenge me anymore. She knows nothing of what I’ve learnt here. But she knows if she tells me what to do I’ll be like, “um no…”

We have recently moved to a new area and I have been preparing a new set for the care homes, I’m going to ring round them tomorrow. I’m not nervous of my wife anymore. She is laying on the guilt about how I get to meet new people through my performing, teaching and cleaning work and connect with previous students online. While she stays home with the kids… That is her choice. There are plenty of ways she can meet people if she wants. I have to work to support our family.

I know it’s hard, but the more you fight for your right to do whatever you want to do, the better…  validate her feelings but don’t back down… My wife got very angry at first but she’s pretty much over it now. She is calmer and more reasonable.

I always recommend, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. It is by far the best bpd book I read, along with “raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist”, which is by the same people. I bought the audio books and I still listen to them regularly in my car, it’s like therapy for me. Good luck with everything.

[fisher101]

Take your dad out.

Stay quiet ... as much as possible.

Rev

Thanks. I did and we had a great time. Glad I did it. Not turning my back on my dad, who has always been there for me, for someone who's love is so conditional.

Of course now she's not speaking to me, I'll end up on the couch tonight. But here's the thing, I'm not speaking to her until she comes to me first. I just don't wanna cave on this. Not sure if that is the right choice or not.

[fisher101]

Just wanted to get that out there first about your dad, as I don’t know what time it is over there…

I can totally relate to your frustration. My wife is jealous of my ability to play the piano, my ability to impress people with this and my ability to connect with people through this.

I am ashamed to say that I had stopped playing the piano for pleasure altogether, because she literally told me it wasn’t fair that she couldn’t play the piano so it upset her. I am ashamed to say that I was performing for care homes residents regularly up until covid hit, and my performances were below par, due to the fact that I felt too intimidated to spend time preparing for my performances at home.

Since joining bpd family last year, I have slowly been turning things around. Even playing the piano was hard at first (Not physically but just because I was terrified of her reaction…) But then I realised that it was a little like performance anxiety, and actually my heart racing and my whole body shaking with nerves as I sat down to play the piano was somewhat exhilarating. I did it more and more and remembered, I’ve always been a rebel, why did I ever become such a slave to my wife’s rules? One by one, I enjoyed breaking them all. And she has actually become ok with most of these things. She doesn’t challenge me anymore. She knows nothing of what I’ve learnt here. But she knows if she tells me what to do I’ll be like, “um no…”

We have recently moved to a new area and I have been preparing a new set for the care homes, I’m going to ring round them tomorrow. I’m not nervous of my wife anymore. She is laying on the guilt about how I get to meet new people through my performing, teaching and cleaning work and connect with previous students online. While she stays home with the kids… That is her choice. There are plenty of ways she can meet people if she wants. I have to work to support our family.

I know it’s hard, but the more you fight for your right to do whatever you want to do, the better…  validate her feelings but don’t back down… My wife got very angry at first but she’s pretty much over it now. She is calmer and more reasonable.

I always recommend, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. It is by far the best bpd book I read, along with “raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist”, which is by the same people. I bought the audio books and I still listen to them regularly in my car, it’s like therapy for me. Good luck with everything.

All sounds way too familiar. Its tough and I'm tired of caving into it. Years ago I woud've given in to her demands but these days I just can't do it anymore or I'll have "me" left.

[Rev]

Thanks. I did and we had a great time. Glad I did it. Not turning my back on my dad, who has always been there for me, for someone who's love is so conditional.

Of course now she's not speaking to me, I'll end up on the couch tonight. But here's the thing, I'm not speaking to her until she comes to me first. I just don't wanna cave on this. Not sure if that is the right choice or not.

Best thing you can do at this point. If it escalates - consider leaving the house to.give the space it needs.

She won't like anything you do. So make sure you're prepared and protected.

Hang in there.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

Fisher...the most important thing I am going to say is for you to focus on YOU. Seriously. You can't change or control the other person and you are walking on egg shells. That isn't doing you any good or her any good actually. Think of this in the context you are dealing with a child throwing a temper tantrum and she is pouting. Be an adult like you were in taking your dad out. Do things like that more often. Fill your time with things YOU WANT to do and let her come to you.

Perhaps you cave in because ultimately you are afraid of her leaving, etc? If that is the case change your perspective to not worrying about that. Why is that? That is out of your control. If you do YOU and let the rest fall into place you will be in a much better emotional and mental place.

It isn't easy no, but try to subtly make changes as you have been attempting to do since picking some things up from here. Essentially I am just reassuring you here.

Every time you doubt yourself and you think or say to yourself you can't or won't do that try to stop yourself and think ok well that is what I have always done and that hasn't exactly gotten me the results I wanted so let's at least give this new idea a try and be open to it.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC- 

[Riv3rW0lf]

Perhaps you cave in because ultimately you are afraid of her leaving, etc? If that is the case change your perspective to not worrying about that. Why is that? That is out of your control. If you do YOU and let the rest fall into place you will be in a much better emotional and mental place.

Wanted to echoe this. This is valuable advice for ANY relationship (BPD or not, friend or partner). The truer you are to yourself, the truer the relationships you develop with people will be and the better you will feel because you will attract like-minded people.

Think of it this way : if she leaves because you are being true to your emotional needs and to whom you are, then this is what one may call "dodging a bullet". A relationship is not about having to change ourselves to please the other (not out of reason anyway, we can all improve but not change our basic needs for family and friendly connection, nor passions... Music in your case) nor about changing the other person, and even less so about controlling their ins and outs. It is about pulling each other up and making life easier, nicer to live. Having good company through it. 

Be true to yourself and let her decide if she wants you or not. But don't lie to yourself for her, because the price this will cost you is incredibly high to pay in the long run...

And anyone who will tell you that being true to yourself is being narcissistic and egoist is lying... We can take care of others while being true to ourselves, and it is absolutely ok to have activities for ourselves too... This is true for both people in a relationship.

[thankful person]

Fisher, I am so glad you took your Dad out and had a good time. Family time is precious and I never regret defying my wife’s wishes for such a reason.

As a fellow musician, I just wanted to share with you a little more of my journey. I guess I am still astounded and still resentful. Even though my relationship and family are in a much better place… it’s still a battle. My wife has been splitting on me again today. According to her I am not a good wife or whatever, but I know it is actually that she is jealous of the amount of time I am spending at the piano preparing my care home sets.

When we first got together, my wife loved watching and listening to me play the piano… more than anyone else ever had. My YouTube views went up by 1000’s every day. Was she sharing my videos? Was she buying me “likes”? Was she just obsessively watching me all day? (I think there were too many views for this). Hmm maybe, maybe not. It was a long distance relationship so some time before we met in person. Now that I ask these questions I realise this is creepy af. I knew it at the time but I loved the attention anyway. But the fact that maybe her even liking me playing the piano was bs from the start… is a bit disturbing.

When we moved in together and my piano was delivered… my wife was devastated… that something was in the house that had been in the house with my ex bf for 14 years. Ummm I was also in the house with him for 14 years. And he slept with me not my piano .

So that was the beginning of the end really. She shortly told me she didn’t like me playing for pleasure or if I was angry or upset… I had always used my music to emotionally regulate and she forbade this. She also didn’t like my students in the house. I started visiting them at home which I hated.

Doing all that driving, I actually wish I’d had Alexa echo auto back then. My wife also pressured me to dispose of all my CD’s as she thought they reminded me of my ex. Actually they reminded me of earlier times and the many people I was obsessed with back then. I now have Alexa echo auto which I love but spend most of my driving time listening to bpd audio books argghh. My wife would be so jealous if she knew how much I love Alexa.

I continued to write songs for my wife but I realised that I was doing this when she wasn’t around then presenting them to her completed. She “pretended” to like them for some time. Then I wrote a song, “So we can hold our baby” when she was pregnant with our first child. To thank her for carrying our child. I put the lyrics on Facebook. She “loved” that. A week later I posted a photo working at the piano on the song, there was some sheet music in the picture. She “loved” it on Facebook. Then when I offered to play and sing the song she totally split on it. She didn’t like the fact my musician friends got to know the song before her. They really didn’t and they really wouldn’t care either. I deleted the photo but left the post up. Anyway, she has refused time and again for me to share this really important song with her and it hurts like hell. The baby is 2.5 now. She told me to throw the song away. I said, “no I’ll put it in this folder and you can throw it away when I die.” (I am 15 years older than her). I think there is another song in there that she doesn’t know about called “broken in love”. I wrote it about her when I felt so rejected over the other song amongst other things. I might move that song before I die. I might not. Yep I’m still resentful.

Sorry to go off on a tangent on your post. It helps me to process these things.

“They may take our lives, but they will never take our music!”

[Husband2014]

Glad you went to dinner.  Every time my wife gives me the silent t treatment I feel like I won because it’s quiet and I set a new boundary that I won’t put up with her nonsense and she always comes around. She can’t function without me whether she knows it or not.  It’s an absolute mental grind because the way she talks is so full of confidence but it’s the polar opposite.